Counseling Session #2

Yesterday, our counselor, Brad, asked me to stop trying to get better, for the next 6 months.  I told him, "but I want to get better," and he simply stated, "you will, but you can't make yourself."


I think about how I felt about my life before I had Tripp.  I loved my life.  I was happy.  But, I didn't wake up every morning and will myself to be happy.  I just was.


The grief isn't going to go away because I want it to.  I need to get through the ugliness of it and in order to do that, I need to get through one day at a time.  Everyone's been telling me, "time heals" and I need to let it.  I can't worry about getting better.


So, I am fine tuning what I am doing.


First, I am not Hugh.  I can't do what Hugh does to get myself feeling "better".  What Hugh is doing works for him.  I need to do what works for me.


Second, there are moments when I just want to be sad.  I want to wallow in it.  I am allowed.


I was describing to Brad how, at times, I feel like I want to crawl into a hole and he suggested I should.  He said instead of calling it my hole, call it my sanctuary and when I need to, let Hugh know that I need a hour or two in my sanctuary.  While I am there, I am free let the grief consume me.  The key to this is not allowing it to take control of my day.  It is a few hours to let myself grieve and think about Tripp.  Hopefully, this will allow me the time I need to be sad.  I know I need to have sadness to heal.


I still have choice.  I may not be able to will myself to be better, but I can choose to enjoy playing with Calder or to enjoy my morning coffee with Hugh.