Good Saturday

We spent most of Saturday in the company of our good friends, Danielle and Jordan.  Jordan (with some conspiring with Hugh) booked both of us girls a day at the spa.  Hugh and Jordan planned a relaxing day in with Calder and their son, Jack.  I was nervous to go to the spa.  I was worried about how much time I would be alone and I was worried that if I did feel out of sorts I wouldn't have Hugh to lean on.  

Danielle and I headed into the city for our first appointment at 10 am.  We had our pedicures done side by side and were able to chat.  After that we had a break and we went for lunch at Earls.  Here I got to share some tears with Danielle as I told her more details about Tripp's story.  We hadn't got the chance to talk about it yet and neither of us felt like it was a story to be told over the phone.  It felt really good to tell Danielle.  Not only is she a great friend (our husband's would describe us as 2 peas in a pod), but I hadn't told Tripp's story in while.  As I told Danielle, I realized that I was starting to be fuzzy on some of the medical details.  By telling the story I was able to work through those details and bring back some of those memories and details I don't want to forget.

We headed back to the spa for manicures.  We both laughed at this because we have the shortest nails and didn't want any color but clear put on our nails!  Although you probably wouldn't notice my posh figure nails, it felt good to be pampered!

Lastly, we had a massage.  This was the part I was worried about.  One hour ALONE.

I spent the entire hour thinking about Tripp and I didn't shed one tear.  That has never happened before.  It seemed like I couldn't really think too deeply about anything which was good.  The massage was distracting me from getting completely into my thoughts.  I was relaxed and was able to enjoy my massage and Tripp.  It felt amazing.

Danielle and I headed back to her house when we were done.  The 4 of us visited and had supper before we headed home.  Hugh and I got Calder to bed and were just sitting down to watch a movie when Hugh's cooperating teacher, Dianne stopped by with some food.

Dianne had lost her husband a few years ago and when we started talking we realized that many of the details of Tripp's story were very similiar to her husband's story.  It was the first time since Tripp's death that I had spoken to someone in detail about their loss.  We spoke about grief, choices, and survival.  It sounds funny to say it was good to talk about the death of our loved ones, but it did feel good to share with Dianne.

On Saturday, I felt very little of that heavy weight of sadness that has been hanging over me and last night I did a bit of reflecting on it.  I still felt sad and had moments of tears, but the grief wasn't consuming me.  Maybe it was just a good day and I could simply chalk it up to that.  But I keep thinking about Hugh.  I have spent many days alone with him and he sees the worst of me.  I know we save that for the people we feel we feel safest with, but I love him the most and want him to see more of the best of me.  I am not sure what the answer is, but I do know that Saturday was good and it made me happy not to be so sad.