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Sunday Blues

When I was in University and just starting out teaching I often had the Sunday Blues.  Now, I can't seem to remember all the things that made me blue, but I am pretty sure they weren't helped by the massive intake of depressants I drank the night before!

Since being married and having Calder the Sunday Blues have been replaced by Relaxing Sunday.  We love Sundays around here.  A day to hang out at home and cook a nice supper.

Yesterday the Sunday Blues were back.  It was a hard day.  Both Hugh and I felt like the weight of sadness was a bit heavier.  It was harder to put on a smile.  It was harder to shower and get ready.  It was harder to leave the house and be out in public.

Any time we are out in public it is especially hard to see families.  Especially ones that look how ours was supposed to look.  I can't stop myself from thinking, "it isn't fair. . . that was supposed to be us."

My sister, Jes, had tough day as well.  She was coaching yesterday and had us on her brain.  She also had a number of caring people showing concern for our family and asking questions.

In a way, I can relate to that.  I am already afraid to meet someone in public who gives me a hug or asks a few questions about Tripp.  How will I react?  How will I feel?  I know it will be hard and it might even make me sad.

But, the bottom line is that I would MUCH rather have the hug and questions than no acknowledgement at all.  And I know Jes feels the same.  It doesn't matter how hard it is.

Yesterday, I also got a heartfelt email from Abbey, my sister-in-law.  Between the email and seeing how upset Jes was, I was reminded of the pain our family is feeling.  Our family, for the most part, is keeping their grief to themselves.  I think I know why.  Hugh and I are already grieving and our family feels powerless to help us.  They don't want to put their grief on us.  They don't want to add to our pain.  It is something they can control.

It felt good to read about Abbey's tears and see the tears in Jes's eyes.  It helped me see I wasn't alone in the deep grief I am feeling.  It helped me see that although they only got to meet Tripp once their love for him runs deep.  I knew they were grieving and I knew they loved Tripp, but it felt good to share those emotions with them.

Needless to say, by the end of the day, I was exhausted and couldn't make the tears stop so I took a sleeping pill.  I had a great sleep and feel much more rested today than I did yesterday.

Hugh, Calder and I are heading off to Edmonton today for a family getaway.  I am a bit nervous about the 5 hours in the van.  It is a lot of time to think, but Hugh and Calder will be there to be my distraction.

Sunday is over and I am on to Monday.

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