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Too Much Thinking

I had kind of a rough day yesterday and I woke up sad this morning.  Because of my rough day, I went to bed upset and consequently didn't sleep well.

Hugh and I talked last night and he said that he keeps busy so that he doesn't think about it too much.  Our brains are wired completely different.  If he sees a couple with a toddler and a baby, he will think of Tripp and then can push the thought out of his head to focus on what he is doing.  I can do that sometimes, but sometimes I just hang on to that thought.  I can carry it with me for minutes or even longer.

I knew Hugh's brain was wired different years ago.  I would ask him while we were lying in bed or while we were driving somewhere, "what are you thinking?"  There were times he would answer, "nothing," or "I don't know".  At first I thought he must be lying.  Seriously, how could you be thinking NOTHING?  But over the years, I continue to get the sincere answer of, "I'm not thinking of anything," and I know he must be telling the truth.  Hugh has moments where his brain is quiet, and I can't even fathom what it's like not to have thoughts constantly spinning.

Yesterday, I wasn't able to push the thoughts of Tripp aside.

We went into Walmart and I saw a family, then I saw the Easter display and thought about Calder not having Tripp to hunt for eggs with.  Then I needed to buy another candle to burn in remembrance of Tripp. After that we were in the toys section and I saw some baby toys.  It just kept going on and on.   I would barely have my thoughts cleared and something else would pop up.  A different day I might have felt differently, but yesterday I couldn't stop dwelling on my loss.

I checked my school email when I got home and I had gotten an invite to the baby shower of a staff member who was due about a month before me.  I was happy for her, but sad for me.  Yesterday, the email was too much for me to handle.  I sat at the computer and cried.  I have found lately that I moan a lot when I cry.  It feels good to let it out.

I remember in University when I would be having a stressful day (or what I perceived to be stressful) and some girl time, a bag of chips and some gossip would snap me out of it.  Even last year when I had 36 grade 9 boys in a math class, I would come home and be in tears.  I was so stressed about managing them and trying to teach them the curriculum.  After a talk with Hugh and a good night's rest, I would wake-up recharged.  I would still be stressed, but I would be motivated and empowered to take on the challenging class.

This is different.  My normal coping mechanisms aren't working.  They might help for a few minutes or even hours, but in the end, I am not better or even motivated to do anything.  I know this is part of my grief.  It is different than Hugh's grief.  It is my own experience.

It sucks to feel like this.  I want to be able to snap out of it for Hugh and for Calder, but mostly I want to snap out of it for myself.  It had been a week since I had felt this bad and I hoped that I wouldn't feel this down again.  But here I am.  At least, having experienced those days of sadness, I know I will come out of it and have better days.

Until then, I am going to try to immerse myself in some curling and a cup of coffee.


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