Skip to main content

Too Much Thinking

I had kind of a rough day yesterday and I woke up sad this morning.  Because of my rough day, I went to bed upset and consequently didn't sleep well.

Hugh and I talked last night and he said that he keeps busy so that he doesn't think about it too much.  Our brains are wired completely different.  If he sees a couple with a toddler and a baby, he will think of Tripp and then can push the thought out of his head to focus on what he is doing.  I can do that sometimes, but sometimes I just hang on to that thought.  I can carry it with me for minutes or even longer.

I knew Hugh's brain was wired different years ago.  I would ask him while we were lying in bed or while we were driving somewhere, "what are you thinking?"  There were times he would answer, "nothing," or "I don't know".  At first I thought he must be lying.  Seriously, how could you be thinking NOTHING?  But over the years, I continue to get the sincere answer of, "I'm not thinking of anything," and I know he must be telling the truth.  Hugh has moments where his brain is quiet, and I can't even fathom what it's like not to have thoughts constantly spinning.

Yesterday, I wasn't able to push the thoughts of Tripp aside.

We went into Walmart and I saw a family, then I saw the Easter display and thought about Calder not having Tripp to hunt for eggs with.  Then I needed to buy another candle to burn in remembrance of Tripp. After that we were in the toys section and I saw some baby toys.  It just kept going on and on.   I would barely have my thoughts cleared and something else would pop up.  A different day I might have felt differently, but yesterday I couldn't stop dwelling on my loss.

I checked my school email when I got home and I had gotten an invite to the baby shower of a staff member who was due about a month before me.  I was happy for her, but sad for me.  Yesterday, the email was too much for me to handle.  I sat at the computer and cried.  I have found lately that I moan a lot when I cry.  It feels good to let it out.

I remember in University when I would be having a stressful day (or what I perceived to be stressful) and some girl time, a bag of chips and some gossip would snap me out of it.  Even last year when I had 36 grade 9 boys in a math class, I would come home and be in tears.  I was so stressed about managing them and trying to teach them the curriculum.  After a talk with Hugh and a good night's rest, I would wake-up recharged.  I would still be stressed, but I would be motivated and empowered to take on the challenging class.

This is different.  My normal coping mechanisms aren't working.  They might help for a few minutes or even hours, but in the end, I am not better or even motivated to do anything.  I know this is part of my grief.  It is different than Hugh's grief.  It is my own experience.

It sucks to feel like this.  I want to be able to snap out of it for Hugh and for Calder, but mostly I want to snap out of it for myself.  It had been a week since I had felt this bad and I hoped that I wouldn't feel this down again.  But here I am.  At least, having experienced those days of sadness, I know I will come out of it and have better days.

Until then, I am going to try to immerse myself in some curling and a cup of coffee.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

What I'm wearing

After my Simons' flop, I recently picked up three pairs of jegging capris at Costco. I think they were about $16 each. I got them in grey (above), teal (also above), and white. I absolutely love them and have been wearing them like crazy. My favorite of the two outfits is the bottom one. The jean jacket is Mavi and I HIGHLY recommend it. In fact, I recently bought another. Exact same style, different wash. This jacket was recommended by both Deena and Christy, so you really can't go wrong. The scarf is one I picked up this spring (Gap). I heart orange and teal. Last week I mentioned trying to define my signature look and that bottom one pretty much encapsulates it. . .
And here it is again. LOVE this one too. Cardigan and scarf are recent purchases along with the grey tee (Old Navy). Jeans are old (American Eagle) and shoes are old (Nine West). I can't wait to recreate this one!
These. Jeans. (Gap). I can't get enough of them. I wore them to professional development o…

Nicknames

All of Hugh's hockey buddies call him "Hammy".

Hugh has been calling Calder "Ham" for a long time. I can't even remember when it started.

Calder started calling Boone "Bean" when he first came home from the hospital. That evolved into "Boone Dog", "The Dog", and just simply, "Dog".  Boone is not a fan of nicknames. Often after we use one of his he will say, "I not Da Dog, I just Boone." Hilarious.

Boone has called Lawson "Dawsie" from about month two. (He called her "baby" for the first two months.) Last week Boone called her Lawson for the first time ever. It took a long time for him to put the "L" on Lawson. He would repeat after us "La La La La, Dawsie". He has said "Lawson" twice since the momentous occasion last week, but I think he got too much attention for using it and has moved back to "Dawsie". "Dawsie" likely isn't going any…

Calder Update

Has Calder ever gotten into sports the last couple of months!?! Below he is at a Rush lacrosse game with Hugh and his buddy Kohen. Calder has been watching baseball, lacrosse, and now the hockey playoffs like crazy. In fact, he has stopped asking to watch any of his "shows". He just wants to watch sports. Oh. . . and add NASCAR to that list. Our boy loves his cars. I don't think that will ever change!

Here is Calder's funniest shark tooth yet. His permanent tooth pushed through in front of his baby tooth!  It was like this for weeks. No gap toothed grin for this boy! Below is the day it fell out!
Calder is doing so well in school. His teacher speaks of what a great student he is. Hearing her say these things actually makes me wish he used a few more manners and a bit more kindness at home! LOL. But, if he is going to be on his best behavior somewhere, I want it to be when we aren't around. Although it was great to hear about Calder's learning successes at pa…