Things I Should Do

My mom sent me an email this morning after reading my post from last night (Ides of March) that contained all the pictures.  She wrote:


I felt like you did your blog, for me and people like me this morning....you didn't want to drag us down with your grief and sadness....I hope you will write what YOU need to help cope...if writing about the things that made you feel good helps...then great, but if you need to share your pain...then share...we can take it...



My mom was right.  When I sat down to write last night I was tired and felt tired of writing about all the sadness.  It wasn't that I wasn't feeling the sadness.  In fact, I had a really bad day yesterday.  In the afternoon, I had done some reading about blogging and micro-blogging (which is what they call tweeting and facebook status updates) and they suggested to keep the writing upbeat.  Between that and not wanting to thinking about what specifically was making me sad, I decided to try and write a more positive, upbeat post.  It wasn't true to how I was feeling, but it allowed me not to think about it.


Today was another hard day.  I can't pinpoint my feelings today on any one specific thing.  I just feel down.  


This afternoon the boys were going to head outside to splash in the puddles.  Hugh asked me if I wanted to go and I didn't.  He reminded me of how fun it is to watch Calder play and how good it is to be outside.  It didn't help.  There wasn't one part of me that wanted to go.  

I did go, but I only went because I thought I should.  I find myself frequently doing this.  Whether it be getting out of bed, playing with Calder, or leaving the house.  Sometimes I want to do these things and sometimes I feel like I should do them.


When I don't want to do these things I just want to curl up in bed by myself.  I don't always want to sleep there.  Sometimes I just want to lay there and think and other times I want to get lost in a book.


Today while we were outside we walked about a block past the end of our crescent.  Calder was dawdling and I was cold so I headed back to the house by myself.  It wasn't a long walk, but I did a lot of thinking in those few short minutes.


I thought about Tripp and how I feel so much closer to him when I am outside.  I breathed in the air and I imagined breathing in Tripp.  I imagined him entering every one of my pores.  I wanted to be completely consumed by him.  


I thought about my Grandpa Fritshaw.  I imagined him smiling down at me and I could hear him telling me it was going to be alright.  It didn't feel like it in that moment, but I knew he was right.  I pictured Grandpa holding Tripp.  Tripp had his eyes open and looked completely at peace.