The Other 'G'
I didn't lie in my last post when I said I enjoyed the ups of yesterday. I did. In fact, I would even go as far to say I had a good day.
Before bed I felt down. Tired doesn't go well with my emotions. I began to feel grief and the other 'g', guilt.
I began to wonder this morning why I am feeling guilt. I am trying to sort through all of my emotions and it can be daunting at times. The more I think about this feeling of guilt the more I feel like this guilt comes from fear and worry.
I feel like if I am not sad, I didn't love Tripp. Or maybe not that I didn't love him, but I don't love him enough. When I am sad it is proof that I loved him. That love is causing me great sadness. I am afraid being happy means I don't love him.
I worry about forgetting about him. He was in our lives for such a brief moment. I worry about how our lives have been changed and worry about how they will look down the road. I worry about how it has changed Calder.
Somehow, I think, that worry turns to guilt. I feel guilty for being happy.
I also worry about what other people think.
This is nothing new for me. I always wished I was one of those people who don't care what others think, but I'm not. In fact, there are people that I don't like and if I hear that they don't like me, my feelings get hurt.
So, with that being said, I worry that other people won't think I loved Tripp right to my core. . . that I miss him more than I have missed anything in my life. I worry they won't understand that it feels like I have lost an arm or a leg, like part of me is missing.
And that worry turns to guilt. I want people to understand the depth of my loss and if I am showing it on the outside, it seems like they will understand. If I am happy on the outside how will they know how much I long for Tripp?
Hugh's cousin Kelly commented on my last post. She wrote, "Don't ever feel guilty for happiness, because the happiness does not diminish in any way the grief or the memory."
The thing is that in my head I know that what she is saying is exactly true. That ugly 'g' word is resilient and I just can't seem to shake it.
Before bed I felt down. Tired doesn't go well with my emotions. I began to feel grief and the other 'g', guilt.
I began to wonder this morning why I am feeling guilt. I am trying to sort through all of my emotions and it can be daunting at times. The more I think about this feeling of guilt the more I feel like this guilt comes from fear and worry.
I feel like if I am not sad, I didn't love Tripp. Or maybe not that I didn't love him, but I don't love him enough. When I am sad it is proof that I loved him. That love is causing me great sadness. I am afraid being happy means I don't love him.
I worry about forgetting about him. He was in our lives for such a brief moment. I worry about how our lives have been changed and worry about how they will look down the road. I worry about how it has changed Calder.
Somehow, I think, that worry turns to guilt. I feel guilty for being happy.
I also worry about what other people think.
This is nothing new for me. I always wished I was one of those people who don't care what others think, but I'm not. In fact, there are people that I don't like and if I hear that they don't like me, my feelings get hurt.
So, with that being said, I worry that other people won't think I loved Tripp right to my core. . . that I miss him more than I have missed anything in my life. I worry they won't understand that it feels like I have lost an arm or a leg, like part of me is missing.
And that worry turns to guilt. I want people to understand the depth of my loss and if I am showing it on the outside, it seems like they will understand. If I am happy on the outside how will they know how much I long for Tripp?
Hugh's cousin Kelly commented on my last post. She wrote, "Don't ever feel guilty for happiness, because the happiness does not diminish in any way the grief or the memory."
The thing is that in my head I know that what she is saying is exactly true. That ugly 'g' word is resilient and I just can't seem to shake it.
Hi. My heart aches for you and your family. Anyone who has ever been a mother or a father can partly understand how sad you must feel and how deep your despair at losing Tripp must be. I say partly, because of course, unless one has experienced the loss you and your family have experienced we can never know it 100%. It's okay to feel happy. We know you grieve now and will forever grieve for Tripp regardless of how you feel at a particular point in time. Take care. Our prayers continue to be sent your way.
ReplyDelete