Ups and Downs of Friday

There are have been so many ups and downs since Tripp was born.  Within each day there are  a multitude of ups and downs.  Every day is different.  Some days are better than others.

Yesterday, I woke up sad.  I guess that isn't any different from any other day.  It is hard to get up.

Friday was full of reminders and I welcomed a break for coffee and a visit with a group of friends.  We got to talk about things I had been blogging about.  It was nice to have a conversation about some of those thoughts and feelings.  It was also nice to talk about some of the things that I haven't been blogging about.

When they left I felt much better than I had when I first got up.  I felt good.  It was an up.

While the girls and I were visiting Hugh tried to do some work on report cards.  He was alone in the bedroom with nothing but time to think and after everyone left, Hugh was down.

After lunch with Calder, I went to lay down and Hugh busied himself with some things around the house.  By the time we left for the doctor's office, Hugh was feeling better and I was feeling worse.

We both had a hard time at the doctor's office.  It is scary to talk about family planning and difficult to hear about waiting for the autopsy results.  When we hopped in the van to drive home we felt utterly drained and exhausted.  Down.

Calder was spending the night at his BFF's house so that Hugh and I could head to Shellbrook for Hugh's hockey game.  We drove to Shellbrook with friends, which was an up.  Company made less time for idle thoughts, which was welcomed by both Hugh and myself.

Being a spectator at the hockey games was filled with ups and downs.

I overheard a man telling his neighbor in the stands that, "Hugh Hamilton just had a baby boy.  Died after only 5 days."  I was frozen.  It was strange to hear someone else saying it and it caught me off guard.  I held back tears and took a couple of deep breaths and refocused on the game.

There were hugs from players parents and family friends.  I could see tears in some of their eyes and although I had none to give in that moment, I could see the love they had for myself, Hugh, Calder and of course, Tripp.  It felt good.

I got to sit with a bunch of players wives and it felt good to be in the company of friends.  It is easier not to think about the greatness of my loss when I am surrounded by people who care.

After the game we went to the curling rink to wait for the boys.  It was late and I was tired.  It was harder to focus on the many conversations that were going on around me.  My mind wondered and I felt that weight of sadness getting a bit heavier.  I was glad when Hugh walked in.  When he is with me I feel the weight is a bit lighter.

Although Hugh's team lost and he felt a bit out of shape, he was very happy to be back with his team.  Hugh plays with an amazing group of guys and he was missing being in their company.

Today we will continue to live on our emotional roller coaster of ups and downs.

Comments

  1. Jordan and Hugh,
    I am constantly thinking and praying for you. That emotional rollercoaster is draining...always knowing that you can never make it better by bringing Tripp back. It is a permanent loss; a permanent hole in a part of your heart. Gradually over time, your coping skills will improve and the pain will soften. The words that others say or use can totally catch you off guard. Those moments are tough. You made it through one of those moments with dignity. Unfortunately, it will probably happen again. Life without Tripp - I'm so sorry he is gone. May you continue to find strength from within to feel some peace of mind and moments of happiness.
    Hugs filled with comfort and understanding,
    Bonnie S.

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