Four Weeks. One Month.

Tripp was born on Friday, February 18.  He would have been exactly 4 weeks today.  He would have been 1 month old today.


This morning I got up around 8:30 am and did a good job of accomplishing tasks, reading to Calder and bossing Hugh around.  At about 10:30 am Hugh could see the grief was starting to consume me, so he gave me a hug and suggested the 3 of us head outside for a walk.  I didn't want to go, but I did, because I have learned that when I feel that consumed by sadness, I need to listen to Hugh.


The walk was nice.  Fresh air is good.  I came in, still sad, but doing better than I had been before we left.  After lunch, we put Calder down for his nap and I curled up on the couch.  I had been saving an old episode of Oprah that Garth Brooks was on and for the first time in a while, I just felt like vegging out in front of the t.v.


Garth Brooks talked about being a parent, his show in Vegas and he sang a few songs.


"Unanswered Prayers" - Garth Brooks
Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers 
Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs 
That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care 
Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers 


I always loved this song, but today I thought differently about it.  I prayed to God that Tripp would be okay.  I feel like if God really had his hand in things here, he would have helped Tripp.   How can his dying be a gift from God?  He was a baby.  He had his whole life to live.


I have really been questioning my spirituality and even my beliefs in Christianity since Tripp died.  I have always had questions about these things, but I didn't really take the time to put much thought into them before he died.  


I feel confident in some of my beliefs.  I believe there is more to life than what we experience on Earth.  I believe in an afterlife where pain doesn't exist.  I believe there is a higher power.  I believe I am being watched over by this higher power. 


But, I'm not sure I believe that God picks and choses which prayers to answer.  In fact, I am not sure He changes anything that happens on Earth.  The God I believe in is good.  Tripp being sick and dying is not good, so how could the God I believe in have made that happen?


I know that I have more thinking to do on this and I know I need to do some reading and have some conversations with people who are more knowledgeable than me.  I know that grieving is a process and I  know that figuring out what I believe in will be a process as well.


At the end of Oprah, Garth Brooks sang a song that I will never listen to the same way again.


"The Dance" - Garth Brooks
Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey, who's to say you know I might have chanced it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes, my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance


Today is another hard day.  A milestone day.  It isn't the first and won't be the last.  I am just thankful for Hugh for helping me move through today.  Four weeks.  One month.