Rolling Thunder

My cousin-in-law, Kelly, wrote this after I posted about pulling into the residential street and having a cry in front of a random house:

For what its worth, I think you should have rolled the window down and told the couple your story. Perhaps there was a reason you were in front of that particular house, at that particular time when that man was leaving for work. Fear of a moment being awkward can mean missing out on something bigger or a deeper message sometimes. The man asked because he cared and if you had let him, he would have cared for Tripp too:)just a thought...

It made me think.  

I read a book just out of university called The Celestine Prophesy  by James Redfield.  It talked about the same kind of thing Kelly is talking about.  I remember really connecting with the book.  In fact, my copy is full of highlighted passages and notes in the margin.  I have about 5 books on the go right now, but I think I am going to start rereading that one.  I have been really starting to believe in the idea that we are all connected--even more than we can begin to understand.
* * * 
Tonight, Calder was being a terd (or is it turd?).  He has been hitting me 5 or 6 days of the week. Hugh has been the one doing the immediate consequence of a time-out with him, but Hugh isn't home, so today after he hit me, I put him on his red time-out mat. Then, when I was asking for an apology, he hit me again--time-out.  After it was over, he leaned in to give me a hug and hit me again--time-out. This happened one more time, before the message sunk into Calder's big skull (yes, it is big, off the charts big, in fact). We promptly went into his bedroom to change his diaper and he started kicking me.  On purpose. I said "time-out." and shut him in his room.  I came out to the kitchen to get my composure and the phone rang.  Unknown Name.  Long Distance.  There was a distinct pause after I said hello. It was a telemarketer.

"Hello, I have an urgent message about your computer system."
"Do you even know what kind of a computer I have?"
There was a slight pause.

"Yes.  It has a keyboard, screen, and mouse."
"My son died 4 months ago today.  I don't have time for this."

I hung up.

As the conversation was playing out my thoughts went to Kelly's words.  I do want to try and make connections with people. Especially about Tripp.  

I got off the phone and had regret.  I shouldn't have hung up on the man.  I should have verbally ran up one side him and down the other.  Did he actually think that lame joke was going to keep me on the line?  He is a moron.  I've been seriously regretting hanging up ever since. And it will probably take me days to STOP regretting it.  What an idiot.

I want to make those connections, but apparently it will not be happening with a telemarketer after have a 15 minute WWF battle with my son.
* * * 

I am sitting on the deck listening to the thunder roll.  I am imagining my baby in my Grandpa's strong, safe arms.  


  1. I love you and am imaging the same thing.

    I'm sorry you're having such a tough time with Calder. Hang in there, Hugh will be home soon.


  2. Why does Calder choose to hit you? Is there something he needs from you? I know it must be frustrating. We are practicing assertiveness words at school. Maybe say to Calder,"Calder, Stop! Don't do that! When you hit me it makes me feel upset or sad!" Maybe this will help him to understand what his actions do to others and how they affect how others feel. It is all about social development and growing up! Be patient with yourself!

  3. For what it's worth, I think you said all you needed to say to that thoughtless telemarketer. If he has half a brain, hopefully he learned something from the brief conversation.

    Even though we've never met, I'm sending you big hugs today. And even though I never met Tripp, I want you to know that I think about him and you so very often.

  4. okay, now I am crying. And laughing a little too. I know I shouldn't laugh at your troubles with Calder, but I know there is nothing more stubborn than a two year old boy. Nothing. Ever. Good work with the consistency. It will pass. Eventually. Although it may seem like it takes a hundred years.
    There is nothing that comforts me more than thinking of Vince holding Tripp's hand (is it weird that I already see tripp as more like Calder's age?) and showing him how the thunder works, and explaining everything to him in his quiet way. All my love.


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