Forging Ahead

After we read Calder his stories and tucked him into bed last night, I drove over to Kerri's. I had had a good day and felt like I need to share some things with her that would be better said in person.  I missed her.

I told her what it was like after we left her house on Monday. I needed her to know how hard it was for me.  I am fairly confident, Kerri already knew how hard it was, but I wanted her to hear it from me.  I wanted her to know that losing our friendship would be worse than how I felt on Monday.  We lost Tripp, but we don’t have to lose each other.

Kerri and I are in a situation where she has her baby and I don’t have mine.  Life isn’t fair, but what we make of it is up to us. 

Both of us had conversations with our husbands this week about what could happen to our friendship.  We both thought of the possibility of not recovering from this. 

Neither of us want that, so we forge ahead, together.  

I wish this wasn’t the path we were on.  I wish that when she told me Drew gave her a 5 hour stretch of sleep last night, that I could have complained that Tripp was still only giving me 3.  I wish Tripp was here, but he’s not.  So we move ahead.

The hardest part of my visit with Kerri is the aftermath.  Last night and today are the hard parts. I did my best to stay in the moment last night.  It is later, when I reflect on our conversation, that I am reminded of what I don’t have. I forgot how newborns legs just curl right up into their bellies, even when you hold them in the air—they just stayed so tightly curled. I still can't get over the envy I feel and the sadness for my loss when I see Kerri and her family. . . Especially when I would do anything to get rid of those feelings. . .

Kerri told me she would do whatever it takes to help me heal.  She means it. For now, that means easing back into our routine of phone calls and play dates.

I took a leap forward when I went over to Kerri’s last night.  I know there will be steps back.  It won’t be easy, but if Kerri is willing to stick it out for me, I would be crazy not to do the same.


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