I have been avoiding all things baby and pregnancy on the Internet the last 3 weeks. I only check Facebook when I get notifications to my email that I have been sent a message and I have stopped reading anything on the Internet associated with these things. They make me sad. I wish they didn't, but they do. I figure, I feel bad enough during the day without looking at things that are highly likely to make me feel worse. I am glad that everyone has wonderful pregnancies and healthy babies, but it is a constant reminder of what I don't have. Ultimately, it just makes me miss Tripp more. So, I have been avoiding.
For some reason, unknown to me, I broke my "no pregnancies and babies" on the Internet rule. The author of a blog I follow is pregnant and she made a post with the title "Birth Stories." I clicked on it. Her post led me here. This is the blog of Ava Faith's mom. In her mom's words, "Ava Faith Monchuk, was delivered directly to God." Ava Faith was full-term and stillborn.
I left a comment on the blog. At first I debated doing this. I wasn't sure if it was appropriate. I don't know Laura, Ava's mom. Then I remembered that saying something is better than just thinking it, so I pondered what to say and left this:
I lost my baby in February, so I know that there are no words that can take the pain away. Please know that I am so sorry for your loss. No one should have to bury their baby. You, Ava, and your family are in my thoughts.
"All that we love deeply becomes part of us" - Helen Keller
My mind was heavy with thoughts of Laura and Ava. I wasn't ready to go to bed and checked my email. I had 2 messages, one from my cousin-in-law, Kelly and one from my friend, Deena. Both included a link to Laura's blog. At the end of Deena's message, she wrote, "I think good can come from Tripp and I think you are it."
This message spurred me to locate Laura's email and write her a personal note. I told her some things I have learned that in their own ways were comforting to me. I wrote and rewrote the email a number of times. Finally, late last night, I pressed "send".
One of the things I told Laura is that whatever she is feeling is right. This is her journey and she needs to do what is best for her and her family. I told her that on my journey it felt right to email her. So that is exactly what I did.
I encourage you to read Laura's post. It is beautifully written and filled with love for her daughter. When Tripp first died, I would look at the number of hits my blog had and it made me feel good to see that people were connecting to my story. I appreciated EVERY comment I got, so if commenting feels like part of your journey, you should do it.