This morning emotions hit me at the breakfast table. I teared up, but wasn’t able to put to words how I was feeling. As I drove into the city, it was more of the same tears and an abundance of emotion. When I pulled into the parking lot I wiped my tears, took a few deep breaths and headed to the office to collect keys and my laptop. One of the kindest students at my school was in the office when I arrived. A huge smile lit up her face when she saw me. She ran over and gave me a hug.
I had wanted some sort of acknowledgement from people when I came back to work. I knew that everyone was thinking about me, but I guess, I greedily wanted to see it first hand. I wanted hugs and I wanted words. I know that not everyone is comfortable with that kind of emotion, so I tried not to expect anything. I got at least a half a dozen hugs and even more welcome backs. It was so good. I needed them.
It wasn’t until about the 3rd person asked me how I was feeling that I was able to finally put into words all the emotion I was feeling. It wasn’t that my school, colleagues, students or work weren’t great. I truly love all those things. It was that I was supposed to be at home with my baby. Once I realized where the emotion was coming from I felt better. The reason seemed so obvious to me AFTER I figured it out. Obviously, thinking clearly and emotional don’t mix for me.
I took 2 boxes to school. One labeled, TOP DESK DRAWER, and the other labeled, TEXTBOOKS. I opened the TOP DESK DRAWER first to find something to write with and I found a Teacher’s Journal that my sister, Jes gave me years ago. I read the last entry.
Day: Tuesday Date: Jan. 25, 2011
The weather today is: Beautiful High -5
In the school news today: Period 4 final. My prep day.
I feel good about: Making the choice to be done work at semester break. My body hurts.
I am concerned about: Not coming back to Bowman.
What I would like to see happen (foresight): Carry this healthy baby full term.
People/students that touched my life: Murray (co-worker in math dept.) told me the other day it was good to have made the decision to be done. “Like a weight being lifted.”
What I did to brighten someone’s day: I brought donuts and handed them out to teachers and office administrators.
Goals and ideas for a better tomorrow: Find more boxes to pack.
I cried. What a different place I was on January 25. "Carrying this healthy baby full term." Tripp was already so sick on January 25 and I didn't even know.
Day: Monday Date: June 6, 2011
The weather today is: Beautiful and sunny. High +18
In the school news today: I am back at work. (I actually was mentioned in the weekly memo)
I feel good about: Taking this next step being back at work.
I am concerned about: Holding my emotions together.
What I would like to see happen (foresight): Today is survival.
People/students that touched my life: Hugs from Teresa, Jen, Brennan, Emily, Ron, Katie, Kathy
What I did to brighten someone’s day: Today I am concentrating on me.
Goals and ideas for a better tomorrow: Get more organized so I can be more productive.
With that, I am off to find loose leaf, a binder and my space heater (I wore my coat all day and could have used some mini-gloves).