Last night, Calder and Hugh sad on the couch watching the hockey game and eating a snack. I curled up on the love seat with my book. I was sad. I had been doing a bit of surfing on the internet and between a few baby photos on Facebook and a couple of somber blog posts, I found myself sluggish and depressed.
Calder thoughtfully brought me the blanket Hugh was laying with. I guess I looked cold. He grabbed an armful of cars and squeezed his way on to the love seat beside me. We exchanged a few words and a kiss. I continued reading my book and Calder began to run his cars over my belly, chest and up on to my shoulders. As Calder babbled away, a word caught my attention. . . Tripp.
I have a necklace that Deena gave to me that has each of the boys birthstones. The first time Calder took an interest in it I told him that the blue one stood for Calder and the purple one stood for Tripp. It didn't take long before I could ask him whose was whose and he could regurgitate what I had told him. It didn't seem meaningful. It felt like one of those "tricks" you teach your kids (or pets) to entertain yourself and others.
It was different last night. Calder brought it up Tripp on his own. Tears started welling up in my eyes as I realized he was pointing to the purple stone and saying, "Tripp's color." I glanced over at Hugh, but I couldn't make prolonged eye contact. I was barely holding it together. Tears started running down my cheeks. It is hard to explain the emotions I was feeling. I want Calder to know about Tripp, but it makes me sad that the only thing he knows is that the purple stone on my necklace is Tripp's. Calder was supposed to have a brother who was annoying and the best all at the same time. He was supposed to have Tripp to complain about Hugh and I with and shoot pucks on in the backyard.
As I tried to organize my emotions and get them together, Calder delicately, with the back of his tiny closed fist, wiped the tears that ran down my face. He asked me if I was sad and I told him the truth.