We had errands to run this morning and for efficiency sake Hugh and Calder stayed at home.  I drove into the city motivated.  I made some mini-lists in my head and even started thinking about writing an upbeat blog about how motivated I was.  I was on a mission and happy about it.

I went to Home Depot and then to Rona.  By the time I arrived at Walmart, something had changed in my mood.  I was no longer motivated.  I wasn't focused on completing my mission with the utmost efficiency.

It felt like everywhere I looked, someone was screaming, "YOUR SON DIED".  There were young couples with two boys, baby products and pregnant women. Even smiling faces seemed to shout that statement.

I wanted to transport myself (Star Trek style) to my sanctuary.  Instead, I choked back tears, put my cart in high gear, and dodged anything that looked like it could start hollering.

Tears spilt out as I drove home. I have done shopping trips like that other days, but always with Hugh and Calder. Today, I learned that I am not ready to take on an outing like that by myself.  The screaming gets a bit too loud.


  1. Jordan, never forget that you are embraced with love, caring thoughts and hugs of healing every day. Even though you may feel alone, there are so many people thinking of you and praying for you and Hugh, to give you both strength to endure. Be patient. This is an extremely difficult journey that you are on and only you are in the pilot's seat (but don't forget, God is your co-pilot). Lots of hugs.


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