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May 18

Last night, I laid in bed just after 11 pm on my belly and elbows, resting my head in my hands.  I couldn't sleep.  I had company in my misery.  Hugh had a cup of coffee at his meeting after supper and I could tell from his breathing he wasn't sleeping.  A wave of fear rushed over me.

"What is the date today?"

"The 17th"

The wave of fear was followed by a wave of relief.  I didn't want to miss today.  Today is Tripp's 3 month birthday.  Tripp is always the first thought that pops into my head when I get up in the morning and today was no different, but it wasn't until I was driving to Calder's movement class that Tripp's 3 month milestone came into my consciousness.

The timing wasn't ideal.  In Calder's class there is one visibly pregnant woman, one woman who brought her 4 year old and 2 year old boys, and 2 woman who are expecting in the fall.  I was surrounded by baby talk and today, I wasn't in the mood.  I could have chirped in and spoke of my experiences with Calder and my pregnancy with Tripp, but I didn't feel like it.  I felt like I was on the outside and alone.  There were times during the class that I added to those feelings by physically moving myself to the outside, where I could stand back, by myself.

At one point Calder went to push another boy.  I quickly intervened and got Calder to apologize to the boy. The boy's mom started a conversation with me that moved into daycare talk.  I acknowledged I was on maternity leave.  This brought on the question, "how old is your little one?" and was followed with a deep breath and a statement explaining that Tripp died and you get 15 weeks of maternity leave when that happens.  The woman was kind, but once again, I felt like I didn't do Tripp justice.  I wasn't able to explain in those few short seconds what Tripp means to me.

I have done an immense amount of thinking on how to "sum" Tripp up into 3 or 4 meaningful sentences, but I have yet to come up with how to do it. This has compelled me to the conclusion that, like many things in my life, I will just have to live with it.  My sense of loss and love for Tripp cannot be summed up. This means that when I tell people about Tripp they may, or may not, understand what he means to me. I think I will continue to deliberate on the best 3 or 4 sentences, because I want to find them.  Those sentences won't be able to tell the whole story, but I am going to imagine that they do.

So, right now I am imagining the kind lady from Calder's play group holding her son just a little bit tighter, thankful that she has him.  I am imagining her welling up with tears as she tells her husband about me and about Tripp. Even though I will never know for sure, I am imagining her understanding the love and loss I feel for Tripp.

Comments

  1. Honestly Jordan, you always leave me wondering what sentences you could have possibly used that wouldn't have done Tripp justice to the emotions you have for him. "I had a baby, his name was Tripp, and he passed away at five days", does it. In any way, shape or form, no matter how many words you use or don't use, they carry this huge ball of emotion that is so much larger than the tiny little words could ever carry on their own. Those dozon or so words carry the emotions of a novel. She got the novel. Tripp gets the novel. As always, my thoughts are with you.

    Happy birthday Tripp. I bet in heaven babies get to eat ice cream before a year.

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