The Hand I Was Dealt

We went into the city this morning to Dutch Growers.  We were given a number of gift cards when Tripp died to purchase trees/shurbs/plants.  Hugh and I picked out a Thunderchild Flowering Crab and we are going to put it in the front lawn.  Spending the gift cards made me sad.  I was hanging on to them.  They were one of those reminders I had of Tripp and I was sad to have to give them up.  I kept the envelopes they came in.  I am not sure what I will do with them.  I should recycle them, but I will probably put them into the bag filled with the rest of Tripp's stuff.

Kerri texted me on Friday morning and said that they got home from the hospital on Thursday.  I have wanted to call her but felt like I couldn't.  Every time I think of Kerri and Drew my chest tightens up and if I don't stop myself from thinking about them at that exact second, tears start to swell.  If I continue to let myself think, I cry.  Hard.  So -- I have been avoiding.  Pushing thoughts out of my mind.  Making myself too busy to have time to call.  The problem with this is that I know I am avoiding.  And I know that avoiding my fears is much harder than facing them.

Today when we got home from Dutch Growers I called Kerri.  I cried.  I didn't know what to say.  I feel like a bad friend.  Kerri and I eventually eased in to the routine of our regular chats.  We talked about our last few days and our plans over the weekend.  For me, this meant talking about the teacher strike and doing yard work.  For her that meant breastfeeding and having a baby at home.

All of Kerri's daily stuff is a reminder of what I don't have.  It isn't her fault.  It is just life.  Life dealt me a different hand than it dealt her.  I don't want my relationship with Kerri to change.  I want to know the intimate details of her life.  Those details are what make our relationship so special.  I don't want Kerri to mince words.  If she does, I am afraid our friendship will change and I don't want it to.  I want to maintain the closeness I have with Kerri, so I am going to have to forge ahead and Kerri is going to have to keep talking.  I keep reminding myself that it will get a little easier everyday.

The moment after I got off the phone with Kerri was one of those hard moments.  I came out of our bedroom sobbing.  Hugh gave me a hug -- the kind only he can give -- and asked me if I wanted to talk.  There was nothing to talk about, so I summarized by saying,  "I just wish I was Kerri".