Skip to main content

The Hand I Was Dealt

We went into the city this morning to Dutch Growers.  We were given a number of gift cards when Tripp died to purchase trees/shurbs/plants.  Hugh and I picked out a Thunderchild Flowering Crab and we are going to put it in the front lawn.  Spending the gift cards made me sad.  I was hanging on to them.  They were one of those reminders I had of Tripp and I was sad to have to give them up.  I kept the envelopes they came in.  I am not sure what I will do with them.  I should recycle them, but I will probably put them into the bag filled with the rest of Tripp's stuff.

Kerri texted me on Friday morning and said that they got home from the hospital on Thursday.  I have wanted to call her but felt like I couldn't.  Every time I think of Kerri and Drew my chest tightens up and if I don't stop myself from thinking about them at that exact second, tears start to swell.  If I continue to let myself think, I cry.  Hard.  So -- I have been avoiding.  Pushing thoughts out of my mind.  Making myself too busy to have time to call.  The problem with this is that I know I am avoiding.  And I know that avoiding my fears is much harder than facing them.

Today when we got home from Dutch Growers I called Kerri.  I cried.  I didn't know what to say.  I feel like a bad friend.  Kerri and I eventually eased in to the routine of our regular chats.  We talked about our last few days and our plans over the weekend.  For me, this meant talking about the teacher strike and doing yard work.  For her that meant breastfeeding and having a baby at home.

All of Kerri's daily stuff is a reminder of what I don't have.  It isn't her fault.  It is just life.  Life dealt me a different hand than it dealt her.  I don't want my relationship with Kerri to change.  I want to know the intimate details of her life.  Those details are what make our relationship so special.  I don't want Kerri to mince words.  If she does, I am afraid our friendship will change and I don't want it to.  I want to maintain the closeness I have with Kerri, so I am going to have to forge ahead and Kerri is going to have to keep talking.  I keep reminding myself that it will get a little easier everyday.

The moment after I got off the phone with Kerri was one of those hard moments.  I came out of our bedroom sobbing.  Hugh gave me a hug -- the kind only he can give -- and asked me if I wanted to talk.  There was nothing to talk about, so I summarized by saying,  "I just wish I was Kerri".

Comments

  1. Oh Jordan! My heart just aches for you! I hope you find some peace today...somewhere...somehow.
    Shelley

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are a good friend and Kerri will understand. Thinking of you and hoping each conversation will get easier...

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Nicknames

All of Hugh's hockey buddies call him "Hammy".

Hugh has been calling Calder "Ham" for a long time. I can't even remember when it started.

Calder started calling Boone "Bean" when he first came home from the hospital. That evolved into "Boone Dog", "The Dog", and just simply, "Dog".  Boone is not a fan of nicknames. Often after we use one of his he will say, "I not Da Dog, I just Boone." Hilarious.

Boone has called Lawson "Dawsie" from about month two. (He called her "baby" for the first two months.) Last week Boone called her Lawson for the first time ever. It took a long time for him to put the "L" on Lawson. He would repeat after us "La La La La, Dawsie". He has said "Lawson" twice since the momentous occasion last week, but I think he got too much attention for using it and has moved back to "Dawsie". "Dawsie" likely isn't going any…

What I'm wearing

After my Simons' flop, I recently picked up three pairs of jegging capris at Costco. I think they were about $16 each. I got them in grey (above), teal (also above), and white. I absolutely love them and have been wearing them like crazy. My favorite of the two outfits is the bottom one. The jean jacket is Mavi and I HIGHLY recommend it. In fact, I recently bought another. Exact same style, different wash. This jacket was recommended by both Deena and Christy, so you really can't go wrong. The scarf is one I picked up this spring (Gap). I heart orange and teal. Last week I mentioned trying to define my signature look and that bottom one pretty much encapsulates it. . .
And here it is again. LOVE this one too. Cardigan and scarf are recent purchases along with the grey tee (Old Navy). Jeans are old (American Eagle) and shoes are old (Nine West). I can't wait to recreate this one!
These. Jeans. (Gap). I can't get enough of them. I wore them to professional development o…

Calder Update

Has Calder ever gotten into sports the last couple of months!?! Below he is at a Rush lacrosse game with Hugh and his buddy Kohen. Calder has been watching baseball, lacrosse, and now the hockey playoffs like crazy. In fact, he has stopped asking to watch any of his "shows". He just wants to watch sports. Oh. . . and add NASCAR to that list. Our boy loves his cars. I don't think that will ever change!

Here is Calder's funniest shark tooth yet. His permanent tooth pushed through in front of his baby tooth!  It was like this for weeks. No gap toothed grin for this boy! Below is the day it fell out!
Calder is doing so well in school. His teacher speaks of what a great student he is. Hearing her say these things actually makes me wish he used a few more manners and a bit more kindness at home! LOL. But, if he is going to be on his best behavior somewhere, I want it to be when we aren't around. Although it was great to hear about Calder's learning successes at pa…