A Little Closer to Heaven

I have had a couple of sad days. Not the kind that are sad from the moment you wake up until the moment your head hits the pillow, more the kind of sad with multiple moments that bring you to tears.

On Monday night I visited Tripp's tree and bench. I needed to be with him. I crouched down and let my hand trace the letters of his name on the memorial stone. The candle was gone. Melted away. I have the new one on our step freezing as I type. I have said it before, but I just feel closer to Tripp when I am outdoors. There are no walls between me and heaven. I cried as I crouched there and told him how much I miss him.

When Hugh and I visited our counsellor, Brad, before Christmas I shed tears as I told him what we were going to do over the holiday. For me the mountains are majestic. I have always felt in awe around them. I knew seeing them would give me comfort. I knew that of all the places I could go outdoors, the mountains were where I would feel closest to Tripp. Brad told me that he wanted me to take a moment on the mountain and grieve for Tripp.

The moment came on the most beautiful day on the prettiest run we snowboarded. It was a winding, flat run and everyone in our group had passed me trying to maintain some speed. I got tired from pushing my board and unstrapped both boots. As I stood up and looked around I knew my moment had arrived. I wish I had had a camera to capture the beauty, but I don't think I will forget. I was all alone on that narrow run. Trees sagging with snow. I sobbed.

These are some of the pictures that my sister's boyfriend, Nate, took that day. And as beautiful as they are, they don't quite capture what I saw.

All of this record breaking warm weather has been amazing, but I am looking forward to getting Tripp's new ice candle in is place.


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