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I miss him.

It's 9:34 pm on Saturday night. I still have the flu. I am getting a head cold. I am tired.

But mostly, I miss Tripp.

I have been missing him all day. I missed him this morning as I picked up Calder's cars. I missed him when Grandma Hamilton was playing with Calder and my nephew Pace in Calder's bedroom. I missed him when Hugh took Calder out to go sliding. I missed him when Calder curled up with me on the couch when Hugh left for hockey. I missed him when Grandma and Grandpa Fritshaw read Calder his bedtime stories.

I missed him so much that tonight as I lay in bed trying to sleep I convinced myself that the clicking of the nursery door was a sign from Tripp and not just a draft. I have been thinking of that clicky door being a sign for weeks, but tonight I let myself believe it was. In fact, it might be Calder's door clicking and not even the nursery, but tonight I am telling myself it IS the nursery and it IS a sign.


Tonight I wanted to curl up in the chair in the nursery, wrapped in the blanket my sister made for Tripp and just cry.

I didn't and I'm not going to.

I am too afraid that I would start crying and wouldn't be able to stop.  Instead I just sit at my computer sobbing.

I am delaying this to post on Monday. I don't often let myself get emotional and type anymore. I'm not sure why, but tonight it feels right. By the time you read this I will be better. In fact, I will be putting on the Mrs. Hamilton show for my new semester 2 classes.

I guess I just want you to know that I still ugly cry miss my baby.

Comments

  1. And I still 'ugly' cry miss my Mom. I don't think that will ever completely stop Jordan. Still, it gets better and it is nice to know in the morning the tears will be dry. I am sorry...that is all I can say, still now and forever.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This summer, I went to the 100 year anniversary of my town and while there I visited the cemetery. I saw a tiny grave that just said "baby" and the last name. It was a baby that my cousins grandparents lost very soon after birth more than 50 years ago. Looking at that marker made me cry and I guarantee that the baby's mother, who is in her 80's, still cries over the loss of her child. No one but a mother knows the intense love you feel for a child long before you even feel the first kick.

    Have you read "Heaven is for Real?. It may be too soon for you to read it, but at some point I think you would love it. Take care.

    ReplyDelete
  3. No words. But sending you my love. And hoping that today was gentle and brought you some renewed energy. <3

    ReplyDelete
  4. This post was beautiful Jordan, I am still so, so sorry that you lost Tripp and always will be :( The documentary that I posted on my blog sent a powerful message I thought: there are some kind of particles in the air (sorry, I can't remember what they called them)that are constantly circulated. So when Joan of Ark breathed them in, and then back out again, the particles are still circulating in the air. So essentially we are breathing the same particles that Joan of Ark breathed. This means, that for the time that Tripp was breathing, the particles that he breathed out are still in the air, and will be for the rest of time. I hope that next time you miss him, you think of people breathing in and out Tripp's particles and know that he is touching everyone in the world, for all time. He is still here, just in a different way :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Kelly - I agree. I like the place I'm at in my grief now that I know in the morning that things will be better.
    Dani - as always, thanks for the thoughts and good vibes you send my way.
    Cristin - Thank-you for sharing the headstone with me. I find comfort knowing I am not the only one. And I have been looking at that book for a while - I will pick it up.
    Carmen - I love that we are all breathing him in.. . breathing all of our loved ones in . . what a calming thought.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dear Jordan,
    Love you dearly. Hang in there.
    I have a copy of Heaven is for Real if it's something you want to read sooner than later. Good suggestion, Dani.

    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I mean, good suggestion, Cristin. My bad :)

    ReplyDelete

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