It feels right. . . I am allowed
This is the first time I have sat down to blog without knowing exactly what I want to say. I have a list of blog ideas. . . things that I have thought about along this journey, but didn't write about at the time, because something else felt more pressing. . . and even though I have this list to go to, I don't feel like writing about those things today.
I guess this leads to the question, "why post anything, then?" The answer is simple. Tripp. I have been writing daily since Tripp was 2 days old. This writing is about me, but Tripp started me on this journey and right now it feels like I NEED to write something for him. Right now, for me, it feels like this blog keeps his memory alive. I know there will come a day where I don't post something, but that day is not today. It feels right to blog today.
I have really begun to realize how important it is to do what feels right and to trust that, because it feels right, it is right. I am not sure if that makes sense. . . I guess an example of this could be my aversion to holding babies. Before I was feeling guilt about not doing it. Now, I don't have guilt. It doesn't feel right to hold a baby, so I am just not going to do it. I feel very comfortable and almost at peace with this decision. I am also feeling more confident in how I will feel in the future. Before I was worried that I might not ever want to hold a baby that wasn't my own again. Now, I don't worry about it. If it doesn't feel right, I am just not going to do it. If I never do it again, it will be because it doesn't feel right and I will not feel guilt about this. In fact, I will feel good about my choice, because it feels right. Honestly, I am sure the day will come when I hold a baby again, but I am not worrying about it. One day, it will feel right to do it and I will.
Whenever I do something based on "it just feels right" I tell myself, I am allowed. This makes me feel good about how I feel. It gives me confidence that I am making the right choice for the right reason. I am allowed.
It feels right to go to my room and cry. I am allowed.
It feels right to go for a walk with Hugh and not say a word. I am allowed.
It feels right to push sad thoughts to the side and live in the moment. I am allowed.
It feels right to lay on the couch and read my book. I am allowed.
It feels right to buy myself new rubber boots. I am allowed.
It feels right to laugh. I am allowed.
It feels right to avoid seeing people. I am allowed.
It feels right to zone out of a conversation and think about Tripp. I am allowed.
It feels right to blog about how I feel. I am allowed.
I guess this leads to the question, "why post anything, then?" The answer is simple. Tripp. I have been writing daily since Tripp was 2 days old. This writing is about me, but Tripp started me on this journey and right now it feels like I NEED to write something for him. Right now, for me, it feels like this blog keeps his memory alive. I know there will come a day where I don't post something, but that day is not today. It feels right to blog today.
I have really begun to realize how important it is to do what feels right and to trust that, because it feels right, it is right. I am not sure if that makes sense. . . I guess an example of this could be my aversion to holding babies. Before I was feeling guilt about not doing it. Now, I don't have guilt. It doesn't feel right to hold a baby, so I am just not going to do it. I feel very comfortable and almost at peace with this decision. I am also feeling more confident in how I will feel in the future. Before I was worried that I might not ever want to hold a baby that wasn't my own again. Now, I don't worry about it. If it doesn't feel right, I am just not going to do it. If I never do it again, it will be because it doesn't feel right and I will not feel guilt about this. In fact, I will feel good about my choice, because it feels right. Honestly, I am sure the day will come when I hold a baby again, but I am not worrying about it. One day, it will feel right to do it and I will.
Whenever I do something based on "it just feels right" I tell myself, I am allowed. This makes me feel good about how I feel. It gives me confidence that I am making the right choice for the right reason. I am allowed.
It feels right to go to my room and cry. I am allowed.
It feels right to go for a walk with Hugh and not say a word. I am allowed.
It feels right to push sad thoughts to the side and live in the moment. I am allowed.
It feels right to lay on the couch and read my book. I am allowed.
It feels right to buy myself new rubber boots. I am allowed.
It feels right to laugh. I am allowed.
It feels right to avoid seeing people. I am allowed.
It feels right to zone out of a conversation and think about Tripp. I am allowed.
It feels right to blog about how I feel. I am allowed.
Good on you:)Letting our feelings guide us is exactly what we should allow ourselves to do. I understand your feelings, and I am glad you are allowing yourself to experiance them as they come.
ReplyDelete...and rubber boots are a neccesity this time year anyway;) I have worn my Hunters every day for two weeks. There is a four inch puddle on way to the carport!
you are also allowed to post pictures of Choncho playing mini sticks!!!
ReplyDelete