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Sad Day

I have had almost a weeks worth of pretty good days, so it was only inevitable that I was going to have a sad day sooner or later.  That day is today.

I think it actually started last night.  We got a sitter and met Hugh's brother, Billy, and his wife, Abbey, at the Keg for supper.  Everything was perfect, great food and even better company.  I just kept finding my mind and eyes wander over to the table where I sat at the last time I was at the Keg.  In late January, Hugh and I went to the Keg with my sister, Jes, her boyfriend, Nate, my brother, Luke, and his girlfriend, Brittany.  I kept thinking about how I felt that night.  I was wearing my very favorite pregnancy outfit and I even brought out a pair of heels for the occasion.  We had so many laughs and we talked about how our world was going to change with 2 little ones to chase after.  I found myself wishing I could go back to that night.  I was still pregnant then.  I still had Tripp.

I only let my mind wander for brief moments.  As soon as I caught myself, I quickly brought myself back to reality.  I really enjoying spending time with Billy and Abbey and wanted for me and for them to live in the present.

When we got home, I drove our babysitter home.  The last time she babysat for us, I was pregnant.  In fact, I even think it was that night, in late January, when we went to the Keg.  She didn't ask about the baby and I didn't say anything.  After dropping her off, I cried all the way home and even for a few minutes parked in the garage.  Part of me felt bad that I didn't acknowledge Tripp, but the other part had no idea how to do it.  Do I just come out and say, "our baby died?"  I can barely type that, let alone bring it up in conversation.

I also think that some of my sadness today is also coming in anticipation of tonight.  A very good friend of Hugh's is having his wedding reception.  We will see people there who know about Tripp (which is good--there are a few hugs I am looking forward to getting), but we will also, probably, see some people we know who don't know about him.  I am uneasy thinking about the awkwardness that could result.  I am obviously not pregnant.  Will people congratulate me on having the baby?  Will they be uncomfortable when I tell them what happened?

Today is a sad day.  Whether there is something specific causing it or not, it is just sad.

Comments

  1. Sending you a big hug. Love you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I loved our time at the keg. Those times will come easily again. You did awesome this week. I'm so proud of you. Please don't ever forget how strong you are. Hugh is home, let yourself have a few tough days. Being so far away and not being able to talk made it much easier knowing you were doing so well. Let your guard down, have some good cries so you will be able to face the next week. I'm now checking your blog from nate's iPod. I'll be home to talk soon! Love jes.

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