Laughter

I have never experienced sorrow like this before.  I didn't really know what it meant to grieve.  I obviously know people who have died, but when I think back to the grief I felt when they passed, it feels significantly different than this.  I think I was grieving more for someone else's loss than I was grieving for my own loss.

For example, when I was in university, my best friend's younger brother died.  Her brother's funeral was the first funeral I ever attended.  I took this loss very hard.  I was completely saddened that he died, but I didn't hang out with her brother and so I didn't miss him as part of my everyday life.  I was mostly sad for my friend.  She lost her brother and I couldn't begin to even imagine how that felt.  I grieved for her loss.  

When my Grandpa Fritshaw died I definitely felt some sadness for myself.  My kids would never meet this wonderful man and I would tremendously miss playing cards with him.  But to be truthful, most of my sadness and grief was for my Grandma.  As she put it, Grandpa was "the love of her life."  Grandma had spent her whole life with Grandpa and I felt sad that she didn't have him anymore.

Now, for the first time in my life, most of my grief is for my loss.  I am hurting for Calder's loss, but I am mostly heartbroken for me.

One of the things that comes with being consumed with grief is just that--I am consumed.  There are parts of the day where I get busy with things and I don't think of Tripp, but then I will be interrupted and thoughts of him will come to my mind.  Hugh described it so well the other night.  He said that his brain doesn't rest.  Either it is busy thinking about a task or it is thinking about Tripp.  I guess that is why I felt I needed a vacation from grief earlier in the week.  My brain just doesn't get a break.

Even in grief, we have laughter. 

Yesterday, I started thinking a bit about this.  As much as we are consumed by thoughts of Tripp, we still laugh every day.  I can honestly say that we even had laughs on the day Tripp died.  There was some lady who was so rude and presumptuous at the drug store.  Hugh and I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of it.  Hugh had held open the door for a very elder woman who was coming in using a walker.  There was a lady trying to leave the store behind us.  Instead of waiting for the elder woman to come in, the lady busted by Hugh who holding the door and pushed pasted the little old lady.  It might not have even been funny any other day.  She was just so rude.  Hugh and I got into the van and were like, okay, our son died today and we didn't forget our manners.  What the heck is wrong with that woman?!?!  I wanted to punch that lady, but instead, we just laughed.

Even in grief, we have laughter.

We have Calder and I don't think it is possible to live with a two year old and not be subjected to laughable moments.  Even in the evenings, when I the weight of sadness gets a bit heavier, I can flip on a re-run of the Big Bang Theory and catch myself smiling and even letting the odd laugh out.  

I had a number of laugh out loud moments yesterday.  Calder and I were playing hide-and-go-seek with his stuffed elephant, Ella and he decided he wanted to hide it.  He ran into our bedroom and then ran back out to tell me to go look.  I had no sooner taken two steps toward our room when Calder ran into the room and came charging back out screaming, "Found Ella!  Found Ella!"  He obviously hasn't quite grasped the concept of hide-and-go-seek, yet!  Then, Oprah had some bloopers from her previous 29 seasons and one clip had her hysterically laughing and not being able to compose herself.  Even though I had no idea why she was laughing, I found myself laughing out loud with her.  

Here is some footage of Calder from the December video I worked on yesterday.  He is laughing so hard that I can't help but smile!

This is a video from when Calder was 6 months old.  His hair is almost as funny as the video.  What was I thinking not cutting it!  This one makes me laugh out loud every time!

I hope you LOL today!!