Ritual?
Today, it has been 2 months.
Last night, I laid in bed reliving our last moments with Tripp. I had a really difficult time falling asleep and eventually had to just make myself stop thinking. I said, "goodnight" to Tripp and told him I loved him and then was forced to shut my brain off by sheer exhaustion.
I am currently in my sanctuary. Today is hard. I haven't needed my sanctuary that much in the past few weeks, but I need it today.
As I laid in my room, I started reading The Grieving Garden by Suzanne Redfern and Susan K. Gilbert which was given to me by my friend, Kyla. It contains anecdotes from 22 parents who have lost children. Today, I flipped to the section on marking anniversaries. I felt comforted by what these parents are doing to mark the anniversaries. Most of the parents speak about how they celebrate their children's birthdays and grieve on their death day.
I know that Tripp's 1st birthday, February 18, 2012, will have significant meaning to me, but so do each of his monthly milestones--1 month old, 2 months old, etc. A baby's age is counted in months not years. It makes sense that March 18, April 18, etc. will have significant meaning to me. And I guess, because I am counting his age in months, I am counting the months since his death as well. None of the parents in the book talk about the monthly anniversaries of their children's death, but maybe that's because none of them lost an infant--I'm not sure.
I think I need a ritual to help me through these days. I am not sure what it will be. I want to talk to Hugh about it. I need a plan, because these days are hard and I don't do well "winging it". . . not in grief, not in anything.
Last night, I laid in bed reliving our last moments with Tripp. I had a really difficult time falling asleep and eventually had to just make myself stop thinking. I said, "goodnight" to Tripp and told him I loved him and then was forced to shut my brain off by sheer exhaustion.
I am currently in my sanctuary. Today is hard. I haven't needed my sanctuary that much in the past few weeks, but I need it today.
As I laid in my room, I started reading The Grieving Garden by Suzanne Redfern and Susan K. Gilbert which was given to me by my friend, Kyla. It contains anecdotes from 22 parents who have lost children. Today, I flipped to the section on marking anniversaries. I felt comforted by what these parents are doing to mark the anniversaries. Most of the parents speak about how they celebrate their children's birthdays and grieve on their death day.
I know that Tripp's 1st birthday, February 18, 2012, will have significant meaning to me, but so do each of his monthly milestones--1 month old, 2 months old, etc. A baby's age is counted in months not years. It makes sense that March 18, April 18, etc. will have significant meaning to me. And I guess, because I am counting his age in months, I am counting the months since his death as well. None of the parents in the book talk about the monthly anniversaries of their children's death, but maybe that's because none of them lost an infant--I'm not sure.
I think I need a ritual to help me through these days. I am not sure what it will be. I want to talk to Hugh about it. I need a plan, because these days are hard and I don't do well "winging it". . . not in grief, not in anything.
(HUGS)
ReplyDeleteMilestones are difficult, but it is important to recognize them; for you and for Tripp.
Our situations are different with our grief, but I know that in our family, the first year after my dad's passing was counted in months, and we always made sure to do something as a family on the 22nd to celebrate his life. Maybe you can think about something that Tripp would have enjoyed doing at each month milestone, and then do it as a family?
Wishing you strength and peace,
Rebecca.
I needed that. Thanks so much, Rebecca.
ReplyDelete