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Before Tripp, my blog for the most part is filled with anecdotes from our daily life.  I usually try to write about the funny or memorable things that have happened in my life.  Most times those posts include Calder. He is the center of our world.  And often times, I make fun of Hugh!

With that being said, I haven't really written about my relationship with Calder before.  Some people may say he's a Daddy's boy.  He is, but for me it goes beyond that.  I don't know a word to define it, so I will give you some examples.

Starting in the fall, when I would go to get Calder out of bed in the morning or after a nap he would crawl to the farthest reaches of the crib, start frantically crying and saying "no, no, no, daddy".  He wouldn't let me pick him up.  (This has gotten much better the last couple of months.  Now he just occasionally cries for Daddy when I go in!)  Most days, Calder will refuse to kiss or hug me in the morning or at bedtime.  Often, he even refuses to say "good morning" to me.    If he gets hurt and I try to console him, he will put his feet into my belly, push me away, and run across our house bawling to find Daddy.  Lots of times Calder will refuse to play with me.  He would rather cry at Daddy's leg in the kitchen for him to come and play than play with me while I am sitting in the middle of a pile of trucks.

Calder isn't unique in this.  Lots of boys are Daddy's boys, but I do think the extremeness of his "daddy's boy" mentality is rare.

I have shed many tears over this.  Don't get me wrong.  I KNOW Calder loves me.  He isn't intentionally hurting my feelings.  It's just sometimes it would be nice to kiss a boo boo or not get denied a good night kiss.

The only time I get to kiss a boo boo or be the number one playmate is when Daddy is away.  As soon as Hugh comes home, Daddy's boy is back!

The reason I am posting this now is because of the change we have seen in Calder since we returned from the hospital.

Since I have been home I have asked for more kisses than I have ever asked for before.  Calder has maybe denied me once.  Calder looks for me when Hugh gets him up from his naps.  He even comes over on his own to give me hugs and kisses.  He sits on my lap when Hugh is in the room.  Calder came and cuddled with me today before I had my nap and I heard him (even with ear plugs in) come to the door twice, call for me and try to open the door.

Calder has had some really sad moments the last few days.  The kind of "fake cry" moments we have only had glimpses of with him in the past.  This morning I started crying at the table when he was doing a puzzle beside me.  He said "mommy sad?"  I wiped the tears put on a happy face and we made happy faces together.  A few minutes later I started tearing up again.  Calder stopped doing the puzzle, looked at me and threw the puzzle on the floor.  He then folded his arms on the table, put his head down and started crying.  I couldn't get him to stop until I pulled him onto my lap for some love.

While I was pregnant people always asked if Calder understood what it meant to be pregnant.  We told him that there was a baby in Mommy's belly.  He would point to it and say "baby".  He would kiss the baby good morning with Hugh.  He knew he was moving out of his room (which is currently the nursery) into the big boy room and that the baby would sleep in the nursery.  But, did he know what having a baby meant?  I have no idea.

Yesterday morning after Hugh pulled Calder out of his bed for a little snuggle time with us in ours, Calder pointed to my breast and said "baby".  I said "no, that is mommy's boob".  (LOL.  I can't believe I wrote that, but it was seriously funny).  He then pointed to my belly and said "baby".

Hugh and I had knew this moment was going to come and knew what we were going to say when it did.  Calder needs an answer.  We have been telling him that there is a baby in my belly for months.  Kerri (his 2nd mom) currently has a baby in her belly.  We can't say "no" to that question. There can be babies in bellies.

So, I said, "no, the baby is in heaven".  He then turned, pointed to my knee and said "knee".

Does Calder understand?  I don't think entirely, but he understands something and probably more than we can even imagine.

Oh, and so you know, Calder may be a Daddy's boy, but Tripp was a Momma's boy :-)


  1. Dear Jordan,
    Your blog touches me each and every time I read it, along with everyone else who has read it. I can't relate to the pain that you are going through over the loss of your boy. I can however relate to some of the issues you've had with Calder, as I've had the disscussion with Hugh. I will tell you this though, my realationship with Halie has improved so much over the past 3 months and it means the world to me. This tragic event may also be the turning point for you and Calder. I do hope that over the next days, weeks, months, that Calder gives you many hugs and kisses that you deserve and need.

  2. I have been reading your blog the last few days and have been brought to tears many times. In this last entry you wonder if Calder understands...I think in his own way he does. When we had Laney she was in the PEDS unit for 7 days. We left Luke with Buck's parents. He knew something was wrong. He clung to them and was quite quiet. He also developed the habit of chewing his nails. This lasted almost 3 years! Kids have an underlying sense that makes them aware....and give you the extra lovin and kisses that you need in these difficult times. Hang in there Jordan. I remember you as a very strong and determined person who achieved many things.
    God and Baby Tripp are watching over you and will be there when you need them most.


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