A number of people in the last week have talked to me about how Tripp was born pre-mature.  He was.  He was born at 35 weeks.  He didn't die because he was premature. Tripp was 4 pounds 6 ounces.  He didn't die because he was small.

In Tripp's short 5 day stay with us the doctor's couldn't figure out what was wrong with him.  They treated his symptoms, but they couldn't find the cause of them.  The doctor told us he had only seen one case similar in all of his years.  It was similar, but not the same.

The doctor also told us that there are only about 5 or 6 babies that die in NICU a year.  Hugh and I were shocked.  Any parent who has spent time in NICU knows that there are some small babies in there and some sick babies.  We couldn't believe the incredible work they do to help all those infants. The doctor said 30 years ago they would lose more than 30 a year.  Wow.

The doctor's theory about Tripp is that at some point between my 20 week ultrasound (which showed a perfectly healthy baby) and week 31 when my fundal height stopped growing Tripp rolled onto the ambillical cord and cut off his oxygen supply. In the same breath they said that problem with this theory was his lungs. His lungs were nearly perfect and usually when they see a situation where there is a lack of oxygen, they see significant damage to the lungs.

When we were spending our last hours with Tripp, I told Hugh that I thought we should get an autoposy.  I thought that if they could learn something about what caused all of Tripp's ailments that they might be able to help another child.  Hugh agreed.  Neither of us needed to know the "why" for ourselves.  Our baby was gone regardless of the "why".  When we spoke to the doctor about our wishes, he used the phrase, "for the advancement of science."  I liked it. 

Our family doctor agreed that it would be a good idea to get the autopsy as well.  She wasn't looking out for the advancement of science.  She was looking out for us.  She said that if we decided to have another child it would be good to have some of the information from the autopsy.  Scary. 

The picture Hugh and I had of our life and our family has been washed away.  We were so confident before about what it would look like and now we feel a little bit lost.  We don't have a picture anymore.  I am a planner and I don't have a plan. 

Regardless, Hugh and I hope that the pathologist will find out some information from the autopsy.  We know we won't get the "why" we ultimately want.  That bigger question is for God. 


  1. I appreciate the clarity you have, Jordan. Of course the "why" will never make things okay for you guys, but to be so selfless and do it for the benefit of others is not something that many people could do. I certainly don't know what I would do if in the same situation.

    We are thinking about you guys a lot in our household, and I hope you know that you are not in this journey alone. I really do hope you continue to find strength and peace from within, and remember to take it from those around you as well. Some days, that's the only place you'll find it.

    Take care,
    Rebecca Dunbar

  2. Hi Jordan. Kerri is home right now and told us about the sad times in your household. She let me read the blog to help me understand what had gone on.
    I even dreamt of you and your family last night. You are definitely in our thoughts and prayers. Your hearts will be heavy and the days will seem long right now. You have a little boy who will help give you some precious moments day by day. Take care of each other and yourself. I will keep on reading your blog. Andrea

  3. Jordan...

    Just a random stranger who has been sending you much energy, prayers and thoughts since a friend told me of your heartbreaking story.

    I hope that you can give yourself the time to continue to grieve and be gentle with yourself. Your life shouldn't have to continue on with the ratrace that the rest of the world is running along with. Take all the time you need to continue to heal and find more peace. You deserve this, even if the world wants you to speed up.

    Your strength and clarity are inspiration and empowering to others (me;)). Thank you for sharing them with the world. You are amazing.

    Continue to take care of yourself, and more prayers and energy are sent your way.

  4. Jordan, Hugh and Calder,

    I was speaking with a friend of mine who also lost her little girl far to soon. She is a planner just like you. She said something to me once that I have never got out of my head (I am a planner too). She simply said that she didn't need a plan right now, God has a plan and right now her only job was to sit back and let God take the wheel for awhile.

    So you don't need a plan, at least not right now...your life will fall back in to place once you, Hugh and Calder have had your time to heal.

    So just let God drive....

    sending you guy lots of love and prayers....


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