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The post I didn't write

Friday's post isn't the one I wanted to write. I wanted to write about Drew's (Kerri's son's) first birthday party. I wanted to write about the giggles, the 3 big boys racing around, and the dance party. I wanted to write about how I counted 5 boys. And how I couldn't stop thinking that I should have counted 6.

Drew was going to be Tripp's best bud. Drew turned one. Tripp remains 5 days old.

I didn't write that post, because I am so conscious about what people think. . . or maybe more so, what they say behind my back. I know there are people who say, "Why is she STILL writing about Tripp?" and "She needs to just get over it." And I do know they say it. It sometimes gets back to me.

I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but no matter how many times I tell myself that the people that are saying it, only do so because they don't know what it is like to lose a child, I can't stop the pain that those comments cause me.

I think the people say those things because they don't allow themselves to feel what I feel, even if it is just for a moment. Those people don't have true compassion, they have judgement. If only they knew that they weren't allowed to judge until they have experienced the loss of a child. And if God forbid, they did lose a child, they would quickly find out that you can't judge another's grief.

Sometimes I want to tell those people to go to hell. But as much as I don't like people saying those things, I like conflict even less. So instead, I put on my happy face when I see them. But I am not that good at fake happy when they are around.

Kerri sent me a text when I got home from her house after Drew's party. She acknowledged that it must have been hard for me to be there. Kerri gets it. I think she brought Tripp up twice while we were over there. No doubt, Kerri counted 5 and couldn't stop thinking that there should have been 6.

Sometimes it is hard to remember that although there are a few people who are thinking, "Get over it," most of the people I am surrounded by are like Kerri. They get it. I just need to figure out a way to get those few negative people out of my head.


Comments

  1. I bet if you asked those same people to go even one day without talking about any of their kids, they couldn't do it. They will talk about their kids until the day they die, just like you will.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I feel sorry for people who lack compassion. I think they are shallow to not understand the depth of emotion you feel and will always feel. You came home without your baby, and he will always be loved and missed. There will always be a hole in your heart (understandably) and you can't ever go back to being the old Jordan and move on like that, because you are not the same person. Tripp is a part of you now and forever. As far as I am concerned, people who don't 'get that' should not matter at all.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I agree with Kelly. There are so, so many of us out there that may not truely understand what you continue to go through, but feel it all the same. If I picture, even for a moment, losing a child, my heart breaks so hard that I find it hard to catch my breath. So I can imagine the real thing. You are a strong woman and you will think of Tripp forever. Anyone who thinks differently, doesn't deserve to read your blog, be your friend, or least of all bring you down. Those of us that "get it" will always be the kind of shoulders you should look for :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. In the words of Dr. Seuss:
    "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter."

    Continue to surround yourself with people who care; and believe me, there are a lot who do.

    ReplyDelete

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