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My Loss vs Your Loss

It has been seven and a half months and I still find myself questioning the magnitude of my loss. Occasionally, I will try comparing my loss to someone else's, but mostly I wonder what other people are thinking about my loss. Do they think I shouldn't be hurting as much as I am? Do they think I should be over it by now?

When I compare my loss to someone else's, I never come to the conclusion that either of our losses is greater than the other's. I always find the other person's loss extremely sad for many of the same reasons my loss is sad.

Why then, do I feel like other people are judging me differently? I never think, "get over it," or "mine is worse." Why would they?

I was watching a new show called, A Gifted Man, the other night. It is about a surgeon whose ex-wife dies and then begins visiting him from beyond the grave. I was drawn to this show for all the obvious reasons. The main one being that I constantly wonder about life after death. The 2nd episode has a menopausal woman find out she is 26 weeks pregnant. A day later she finds out she has cancer and that she needs to start chemo. As the woman goes into surgery, she tells the main character that if he has to choose, she wants her baby to live. She has only known about the baby for a day, yet the love she has for it is so powerful that she is willing to sacrifice her life. I felt validated watching this. I was reminded that it doesn't matter how long Tripp was in this world. He was deeply loved, therefore he is is deeply missed.

I wonder if I will ever get to a point in my grief where I am confident.

Where I won't feel like people are judging me.

Where I don't care if they are.


  1. Wonderfully written.

    I don't think anyone can judge anyone else about their losses. (or should judge in any way... period... ;))

    I know I can imagine the pain that you've been through, but in reality, I have absolutely no idea how very traumatic and devastating it would've been. I just know that it is likely even worse than how I have imagined it... as my losses have been worse than I was worried about.

    I still think you're pretty amazing. That the strength you show in your grief is powerfully awe-some.

  2. Jordan,

    I won't pretend that some people are not saying "Why is she not over it?", because there are likely people who are. In the end though, those people have nothing to do with your grief, or your relationship with Tripp. Those people have probably never lost a child. Those people do not matter in this regard at all.

    I have found your grieving process inspirational. I admire how you are actually "dealing" with this loss, instead of sweeping it under your rug. Letting the grief out, and processing your emotions is harder, but in the end I think you are doing a great service to yourself, your family and to Tripp, who is with you forever, even if you can not "feel" him or see him.

  3. "I wonder if I will ever get to a point in my grief where I am confident."

    What a loaded statement. Wow. I think that we are always wondering about and questioning our emotions because everyone experiences emotions in a different way. For example, I am not a person who cries easily, but that does not mean that I do not experience intense emotion. I often catch myself off-guard when I do react to a situation with tears, and I sometimes get embarrassed or frustrated with myself for crying even though I know it is a healthy, normal reaction.

    I can see where you're saying that you don't know if you'll ever be confident in your grief, and to be honest, I don't think you have to be. People who have lost someone close to them understand this, and for those people who may think "why isn't she over this yet" should be thankful that they have never experienced such a loss because the loss of a loved one is not something to "get over." I think I told you before that life after such a loss does not get better with time, it just gets different.

    You've got me thinking, Jordan...

  4. Hi Jordan - I went on to read Deena's post - Tribute to her grandparents, and then I promptly went on to read your blog.

    Jordan, you must stop worrying about what other people think about your grieving process. There will always be people who disagree, but ultimately, you cannot change how you feel. Continue to use your energy for your family and yourself - let the other go. I know, easy for me to say . . . I think of you, Hugh, and Calder often. Love from A. Faye

  5. Jordan,
    The people that think you should be over your loss clearly have never lost a baby or child before. Do not belittle your loss. It is just as painful and life changing as any other loss. You have lost a piece of your family puzzle and that piece will always be missing. Hopefully with time though you will be able to add more pieces to that puzzle to make life more enjoyable and interesting. The gap will always be there though - just like the gap will always be there for us with the loss of Jaren. Not a day goes by where we don't think of him and wish we could change what has happened. His sister is broken hearted and more sings of that are starting to come out now.


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