Auntie Jordan and Pace

Today was my niece Madison's 8th birthday. Her mom, Abbey, Hugh's brother Billy and our nephew Pace came over for supper and cake.

It was a big day for Maddy and a big night for me. A milestone night for me.

Pace is just shy of 11 months. He is crawling like a champ, has started taking his first steps, but I haven't held him since Tripp died. A couple of months ago I emailed Abbey. I was starting to feel little urges to hold Pace, but was afraid people were going to make a big deal out of it. She assured me she wouldn't do a cheer, nor would she cry. We agreed we would probably do both those things but we would wait until well after the moment to do them. We didn't want my fear of a reaction preventing me from doing what felt right.

I made a giant stride at Thanksgiving. I sat on the floor with Pace between my legs and we played football with Calder. On the way home Hugh told me he was proud of me. I cried. I was proud of me too.

Thanksgiving I got close to the finish line but tonight I crossed it. Today I held Pace for the first time in 8 months. He was crawling on the floor after supper and I just happened to look down and I noticed he had puked and was about to drag his leg through it. I hesitated, just for a moment, before I scooped down, picked him up and waltzed him to the sink so I could give him a clean-up.

The moment came and it went. Nobody said anything. It was like it wasn't a big deal. Except it was. As I type this I am shedding those tears Abbey and I agreed would come. I missed being the auntie I wanted to be with Pace.

It was a big day for me.


  1. Good job Jordan! You know, when I am struggling with something and wondering whether there is a God, it seems that he always gives me a sign. Maybe this was yours. You have been thinking about wanting to pick him up. However thinking and doing are two different things. Yet, as you say, when you saw that he had puked and was about to go through it, you made the instinctive decision to pick him up. Maybe that was a sign, where the actual act of picking him up was based on instinct more than "it's time". No matter what the reason, ultimately you moved forward and that was a huge, successful step. Congrats!

  2. Good job Jordan...I know you are a great Auntie to Madison and with time you will be a great Auntie to Pace. You should be very proud of yourself..

  3. Good job Jordan:) I am sure Pace loved the attention from his Auntie, and I gaurantee Tripp was smiling too.
    Theresa (I know I am obsessed) told a women last week that when she holds another baby, she is also holding her baby at the same time. I don't know exactly what she meant but I think she is right. I guess it has something to do with the Universal love that binds all spirit and people. When you show love to Pace, you show love to Tripp too:)

  4. So proud of you! Shed a tear myself.


    ps. wow he looks like billy!!

  5. Congratulations Jordan! Ain't love grand?

  6. Soo happy for you Jordan!
    He is a cutie :)
    Auntie Pat

  7. I am so happy for you Jordan! There are going to be a lot of "first" things to hurdle. I am very proud. Congratulations on have such an adorable nephew.


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