Six Months
When Tripp first died, I asked our counsellor what I needed to do to get better. I wanted so badly for the hurting to stop. He told me to stop thinking about getting better for 6 months. Today is 6 months since we lost Tripp and I am not trying to get better anymore. I know that I can’t. Grief and sadness are part of my life. I have just learned to live with them a bit better.
With that being said, it has been a hard day. I went into work today and couldn't get motivated. I read this blog and decided I needed to call a friend. There was no answer and instead of hanging up, I got choked up and left her a tear filled message. I miss her. Our relationship has changed. I am changed. Days go by between messages and return phone calls. I don't know the particulars of her day-to-day. I don't know what kind of baby her newborn is or how she is managing. I hate it. The last few times someone has asked me, "how's she doing?" I have bumbled out a makeshift answer by trying to piece together small snippets of things she has told me and what I have heard from mutual friends. Last night was my most pathetic attempt yet. After fumbling around for a few seconds, turning to a mutual friend for help, I answered honestly and said, "I don't know." I honestly am trying, but it is hard and because its hard, I make excuses and sometimes avoid. I realize our friendship isn't going to get back to where it was overnight. It is going to take time, work, and love. I just wish, amoung with other things, that it wasn't this hard, because the bottom line is I love her and I love her 3 boys.
I tried to do busy work the rest of the morning, but I couldn't even do a good job of that. I called Hugh and we met for lunch. I can't tell you what I did in the afternoon. Could 3 hours have been filled aimlessly surfing the internet and arranging pens in my desk drawer? I was exhausted when we drove home. I went right into my sanctuary and cried. It felt good to release some of the emotion.
On days like today my mind works against me. I think thoughts that haven't recently crossed my mind. I went to Walmart before lunch and when I got out of my car a woman and her four kids were getting into the van beside me, you have no clue how lucky you are. I make eye contact with a younger man as I walked down the school supply aisle. He smiles. He exerts kindness and I push anger his way, my son DIED. Those thoughts eventually push me through sadness and into anger. A young boy is standing in my way. A special needs man cuts me off. I tense up and grit my teeth so I don't push them. We follow a car home that has a cartoon family bumper sticker. I put my head down and see my favorite Starbucks travel mug and picture myself leaning out the window and chucking at the cars back windshield.
I have been hiding out since I got home. Its time to go give Calder a hug - Whether he likes it or not.
With that being said, it has been a hard day. I went into work today and couldn't get motivated. I read this blog and decided I needed to call a friend. There was no answer and instead of hanging up, I got choked up and left her a tear filled message. I miss her. Our relationship has changed. I am changed. Days go by between messages and return phone calls. I don't know the particulars of her day-to-day. I don't know what kind of baby her newborn is or how she is managing. I hate it. The last few times someone has asked me, "how's she doing?" I have bumbled out a makeshift answer by trying to piece together small snippets of things she has told me and what I have heard from mutual friends. Last night was my most pathetic attempt yet. After fumbling around for a few seconds, turning to a mutual friend for help, I answered honestly and said, "I don't know." I honestly am trying, but it is hard and because its hard, I make excuses and sometimes avoid. I realize our friendship isn't going to get back to where it was overnight. It is going to take time, work, and love. I just wish, amoung with other things, that it wasn't this hard, because the bottom line is I love her and I love her 3 boys.
I tried to do busy work the rest of the morning, but I couldn't even do a good job of that. I called Hugh and we met for lunch. I can't tell you what I did in the afternoon. Could 3 hours have been filled aimlessly surfing the internet and arranging pens in my desk drawer? I was exhausted when we drove home. I went right into my sanctuary and cried. It felt good to release some of the emotion.
On days like today my mind works against me. I think thoughts that haven't recently crossed my mind. I went to Walmart before lunch and when I got out of my car a woman and her four kids were getting into the van beside me, you have no clue how lucky you are. I make eye contact with a younger man as I walked down the school supply aisle. He smiles. He exerts kindness and I push anger his way, my son DIED. Those thoughts eventually push me through sadness and into anger. A young boy is standing in my way. A special needs man cuts me off. I tense up and grit my teeth so I don't push them. We follow a car home that has a cartoon family bumper sticker. I put my head down and see my favorite Starbucks travel mug and picture myself leaning out the window and chucking at the cars back windshield.
I have been hiding out since I got home. Its time to go give Calder a hug - Whether he likes it or not.
Oh man... I was there today. I wish I would've known how to find you just so I could've given you a hug.
ReplyDeleteLife sucks some days. Praying for peace to sneak into your life in small little ways in the next few days.
Jordan & Deena,
ReplyDeleteIt was so great to get together on monday & visit again. But its more than a visit. I am so thankful to be surrounded by such great friends, to be able to share love, loss, laughter, & pain with just a simple unconditional understanding. Even though we may not see each other daily, there is something about being able to catch up with people & pick up where you left off without missing a beat. Friendships that are genuine, relaxed, non judgemental and are always there.
love you girls
Jordan,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that yesterday was such a difficult day for you. I will be thinking about you more than usual today and sending positive thoughts and prayers your way hoping that you have a better day today.
Love Meagan xo