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My Life As A VCR

Sometimes it feels like everyone is zooming ahead and I am just standing still. I want to zoom ahead. In fact, I want to hit the fast forward button and get to a place where I am further along in my grief, to a place where I am coping better.

The last few weeks have been hard for me. I don't know if there is something about the 6 month mark, or just that summer is over and school is starting. Maybe it is both. Maybe it is something else entirely.

On the way to work yesterday I felt angry. I am mad that I am on this journey. Isn't it enough that I am grieving the loss of my son? Do I need to also be struggling with seeing pregnant woman and babies? I have 2 coworkers who are expecting, so sometimes I feel like the only safe place is inside the walls of my home.

I have read a number of baby loss blogs that talk about the loss of friends after the death of a child. I can honestly say that when I first read about this I couldn't believe it. I thought that those women's friends must be terrible people. What kind of person would act insensitive or turn their back on a friend who lost their child. Then I read this blog a few weeks ago and it reminded me that as with any relationship, there are two people involved. The more I think about it the more I understand how you can lose friends when you lose a baby. For me, it is hard to be around babies and pregnant people. All of my friends are at an age where they are having babies, which can make being around some of them hard. I have started to get angry that its hard. I lost Tripp. Why do some of my friendships have to be challenged? Isn't losing my son enough?

The biggest thing that makes me angry is that I don't know what to do about any of the things that are troubling me. How do I stop the sadness when I see babies? How do I hold my nephew? How do I feel comfortable around my best friend and her son?

Maybe instead of fast forward I need a tracking button like the one on a VCR. That way I could change my fuzzy distorted picture into something crystal clear. Then, maybe, I would know what to do. Since my life is not a VCR, I am going to see our counsellor on Thursday. I need some new eyes looking at my fuzzy screen. The anger and sadness are exhausting me these days.

Comments

  1. <3 So many thoughts, and wishes, and understanding in the most minute little bit that I hold... but I hope the tracking does continue to get more clear. Until then, continue to be gentle with yourself? <3

    (ps... I'm very angry that I'm back to work. I wasn't supposed to be back to work this year. Does that also make you angry? :s)

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  2. I'm sorry, Jordan. I hope that you receive the clarity you seek soon. Until then, all I can do is let you know that I think about you pretty much every day & hope that your grief journey moves through this phase quickly so that you can start to feel more peaceful. I know that we are not close friends, but I am always a willing ear and a safe place for you to vent if you need it; I promise I won't judge or try to offer canned advice.

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