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Reba Sings. I Write.

For me, singing sad songs often has a way of healing a situation. It gets the hurt out in the open into the light, out of the darkness.
Reba McEntire 

I am having another off day. I presume last nights thinking has carried into today, not to mention the interrupted sleep I had last night. I did a lot of dreaming about Tripp. In my dreams he is always dead and I am always grieving. I started waking from my dream when the Band Perry's If I Die Young began playing. It appears its even too sad for my dreams. I woke up and could still hear the song. Foggy, I asked Hugh if he could hear it. Once I spoke, I realized that I actually could hear the song and it was coming from the kitchen. It was quite loud. It was actually almost blasting. I got out of bed, turned it off, and stumbled back to bed for a restless few more hours.

This morning I realized that the alarm on our kitchen radio must have gotten turned on. I looked and it was set for 12:00. I heard the Band Perry at 12:43. The music was blasting for 43 minutes and I didn't hear it until it made my sad dream even sadder.

When I am having sad days I want to spend money. Like somehow, draining my bank account, will fill some of the empty places in my soul. I also want to eat carbs and have no desire to exercise or go out doors. I know that doing the opposite of those three things would actually make me feel better, but it would take too much effort to actually do it.

I looked at Facebook today and deleted a girl I went to university with. She never posts anything (in fact I forgot we were Facebook friends), but today she posted, "20 weeks. Half way there." She is a wonderful person. It isn't personal, but some days I can barely keep it together with the babies and pregnant friends I actually have. I don't think I can handle the happy pregnancy/baby status updates of someone who has become an acquaintance.

I had my mind made up to not post on the weekends anymore, but I needed to write today. I could have saved it and posted it another day, but maybe some of your kind thoughts and vibes will swing my way and I will have a better day tomorrow. I hate being sad. It hurts.

Reba sings. I write.

Comments

  1. I am virtually hugging you RIGHT now.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hugs Jordan. Push yourself through the sad...happiness is on the other side! Wish I could take your hurt away.
    Love Auntie Pat

    ReplyDelete
  3. So sorry you are having a rough day, Jordan. I hope things feel better tomorrow for you. Try to treat yourself with something ...a bubble bath, time alone to read a good book, go for a walk, watch a funny movie or good tear-jerker of a movie etc...anything for you. I know it won't make your hurt go away, but hopefully help you to endure it. My prayers are sent your way.
    SF

    ReplyDelete
  4. I totally understand what you mean about the sad songs bringing the emotion to the surface. The good thing about that Jordan is that when you let yourself feel sad and have these kind of days, you are one step further ahead in your grief process, because you are acknowledging it, instead of burying it deep inside.

    Let some of it out today and tomorrow will be brighter

    ReplyDelete
  5. I can't get over the "coincidence" (are there even such things as coincidences or is the universe trying to tell you something) of that very song waking you up in the middle of the night from your kitchen radio alarm somehow getting set !?

    ReplyDelete
  6. There is something cathartic about getting to the bottom of the pain and leaving it on paper. It helped me get over the depression of many miscarriages.

    Sending hugs and love.

    ReplyDelete
  7. May God give you strength, and through this, you and your family will be stonger. I can't help but think that someone, somewhere is hurting so bad that they cannot think straight, and your honesty and kind spirit will bring them hope.
    I don't know you, but my heart goes out to you.

    ReplyDelete

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