Skip to main content

If I Die Young

I woke up Monday with If I Die Young by the Band Perry in my head. It was on repeat. It played in my head all day. Any time my thoughts stopped, the song played. It is such a pretty song that part of me didn’t mind it. That was the part of me that needed a sad day. Just like when I was a teenager and feeling angry. I would play Green Day or Nirvana as loud as my little stereo would go. I felt rebellious. I wasn’t, but the music made me feel like I was. Now the Band Perry helps me feel the entire weight of my sadness. Music is empowering.

Monday didn’t come out of the blue. It has been building. There have been so many quiet, calm, peaceful days at the lake. They have been wonderful, but along with them come many moments to reflect on our family. Our family without Tripp.

We were at the lake on July 23 – the day Tripp had been gone for 5 months. I didn’t bring the computer, but had some alone time to write when everyone else took off to the park. I scribbled down my thoughts and stored them in our suitcase. They were still there today when I went looking for them. It seems fitting to share them (unedited) today.

July 23rd, 2011 4:20 pm

Penny for your thoughts. . .

I am crying now, but this is the best(?) 23rd yet. 5 months. 5 months is starting to seem like a long time and I am not sure why or what that means. I have tried not to let myself relive any of those moments from 5 months ago and I know that helps. I guess at 5 months I have more strength to do that than I did at 2 or 3 or even 4 months.

I am beginning to find a bit of contentment with our life. It isn’t what we planned and definitely not what we wanted, but I am starting to make different plans – some plans that couldn’t be done with a baby – and I am feeling okay with that. But I still want him back.

In the first couple days after Tripp died I read in a baby loss book that some mother’s arms ache after the loss of an infant. I baulked at it. . .Yah right, I thought. Those women must be crazy. I won’t be like them. I think in those first few days I was numb, not to mention hopped up on Tylonel 3 for my c-section pain.

It wasn’t long before my arms ached. They felt especially numb when I would think of Tripp. My arms were separate from my body and they knew something was missing. They were supposed to be curled around my baby and they knew. Eventually, as time passed, they ached less and now they only ache when I am really sad and upset.

They ache now.

Today, the more I think of Tripp, the sadder I get, which isn’t unlike any other day, but for today I am done thinking.

I had just enough time. . .

I have memories and pictures of my living, breathing baby. How lucky am I? There are so many women in the Dead Baby Club who don’t have that.
* * *
I had actually forgotten that I had been singing If I Die Young that day, until now. Maybe I always sing it when I’m sad. Send me away with the words of a love song.


  1. It's weird - I think of you and Tripp when I hear that song and it always chokes me up because it is so beautiful and sad. Now I know why I think of you two.


    p.s. I too was a rebel without a cause when I listened to Green Day or Nirvana. ;)

  2. I also think of you when it comes on the Radio. Reminds me of your trip to school and the gentleman who stopped to check on you.

    Continue to be gentle with yourself as you grieve. <3

  3. "Make me a rainbow who shines down on my mother. She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors."

    I hope your life is filled with lots of rainbows!


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What I'm wearing

After my Simons' flop, I recently picked up three pairs of jegging capris at Costco. I think they were about $16 each. I got them in grey (above), teal (also above), and white. I absolutely love them and have been wearing them like crazy. My favorite of the two outfits is the bottom one. The jean jacket is Mavi and I HIGHLY recommend it. In fact, I recently bought another. Exact same style, different wash. This jacket was recommended by both Deena and Christy, so you really can't go wrong. The scarf is one I picked up this spring (Gap). I heart orange and teal. Last week I mentioned trying to define my signature look and that bottom one pretty much encapsulates it. . .
And here it is again. LOVE this one too. Cardigan and scarf are recent purchases along with the grey tee (Old Navy). Jeans are old (American Eagle) and shoes are old (Nine West). I can't wait to recreate this one!
These. Jeans. (Gap). I can't get enough of them. I wore them to professional development o…

Calder Update

Has Calder ever gotten into sports the last couple of months!?! Below he is at a Rush lacrosse game with Hugh and his buddy Kohen. Calder has been watching baseball, lacrosse, and now the hockey playoffs like crazy. In fact, he has stopped asking to watch any of his "shows". He just wants to watch sports. Oh. . . and add NASCAR to that list. Our boy loves his cars. I don't think that will ever change!

Here is Calder's funniest shark tooth yet. His permanent tooth pushed through in front of his baby tooth!  It was like this for weeks. No gap toothed grin for this boy! Below is the day it fell out!
Calder is doing so well in school. His teacher speaks of what a great student he is. Hearing her say these things actually makes me wish he used a few more manners and a bit more kindness at home! LOL. But, if he is going to be on his best behavior somewhere, I want it to be when we aren't around. Although it was great to hear about Calder's learning successes at pa…


All of Hugh's hockey buddies call him "Hammy".

Hugh has been calling Calder "Ham" for a long time. I can't even remember when it started.

Calder started calling Boone "Bean" when he first came home from the hospital. That evolved into "Boone Dog", "The Dog", and just simply, "Dog".  Boone is not a fan of nicknames. Often after we use one of his he will say, "I not Da Dog, I just Boone." Hilarious.

Boone has called Lawson "Dawsie" from about month two. (He called her "baby" for the first two months.) Last week Boone called her Lawson for the first time ever. It took a long time for him to put the "L" on Lawson. He would repeat after us "La La La La, Dawsie". He has said "Lawson" twice since the momentous occasion last week, but I think he got too much attention for using it and has moved back to "Dawsie". "Dawsie" likely isn't going any…