I woke up Monday with If I Die Young by the Band Perry in my head. It was on repeat. It played in my head all day. Any time my thoughts stopped, the song played. It is such a pretty song that part of me didn’t mind it. That was the part of me that needed a sad day. Just like when I was a teenager and feeling angry. I would play Green Day or Nirvana as loud as my little stereo would go. I felt rebellious. I wasn’t, but the music made me feel like I was. Now the Band Perry helps me feel the entire weight of my sadness. Music is empowering.
Monday didn’t come out of the blue. It has been building. There have been so many quiet, calm, peaceful days at the lake. They have been wonderful, but along with them come many moments to reflect on our family. Our family without Tripp.
We were at the lake on July 23 – the day Tripp had been gone for 5 months. I didn’t bring the computer, but had some alone time to write when everyone else took off to the park. I scribbled down my thoughts and stored them in our suitcase. They were still there today when I went looking for them. It seems fitting to share them (unedited) today.
July 23rd, 2011 4:20 pm
Penny for your thoughts. . .
I am crying now, but this is the best(?) 23rd yet. 5 months. 5 months is starting to seem like a long time and I am not sure why or what that means. I have tried not to let myself relive any of those moments from 5 months ago and I know that helps. I guess at 5 months I have more strength to do that than I did at 2 or 3 or even 4 months.
I am beginning to find a bit of contentment with our life. It isn’t what we planned and definitely not what we wanted, but I am starting to make different plans – some plans that couldn’t be done with a baby – and I am feeling okay with that. But I still want him back.
In the first couple days after Tripp died I read in a baby loss book that some mother’s arms ache after the loss of an infant. I baulked at it. . .Yah right, I thought. Those women must be crazy. I won’t be like them. I think in those first few days I was numb, not to mention hopped up on Tylonel 3 for my c-section pain.
It wasn’t long before my arms ached. They felt especially numb when I would think of Tripp. My arms were separate from my body and they knew something was missing. They were supposed to be curled around my baby and they knew. Eventually, as time passed, they ached less and now they only ache when I am really sad and upset.
They ache now.
Today, the more I think of Tripp, the sadder I get, which isn’t unlike any other day, but for today I am done thinking.
I had just enough time. . .
I have memories and pictures of my living, breathing baby. How lucky am I? There are so many women in the Dead Baby Club who don’t have that.
* * *
I had actually forgotten that I had been singing If I Die Young that day, until now. Maybe I always sing it when I’m sad. Send me away with the words of a love song.