Just Jordan

We had a scary morning.  I felt sick before we left the house and starting crying when we pulled into the parking lot at RUH.  I wasn't ready to be back. While we were waiting with Calder and I had many tearful, sad moments.  I was scared for Calder and I was feeling the loss of Tripp all at the same time. Our "bear" did great until about 9 am when hunger set in.  He started asking for Fruit Loops and Smarties. When we weren't caving to those requests he started asking for healthy things like milk and yogurt! He cried until the took him in for surgery at 10 am.  It was hard.  Calder only wanted hugs from his dad. I was happy Calder had Hugh to comfort him. Calder has had a cold the last couple days and has been doing a bit of coughing.  When the anesthesiologist came to speak with us she told us there could be an increased risk.  My brain shut off.  All I could think about was Calder not waking up. What are we doing?  I star...

Just before supper our computer froze up.  I got scared.  I hadn't downloaded any of the pictures or video footage of Tripp yet, but what if I did and our computer crashed? Downloading was at the back of my mind all through supper, so this evening I got up the courage and pulled out the two cameras.  I had been avoiding looking at the pictures and footage, because I knew it would bring a world wind of emotions back to the surface. I downloaded all that we had.  I did my best not to look, but the occasional picture caught my attention and brought tears to my eyes.  I am not ready to sort through all of those memories yet. I have never saved video and pictures in as many places and with such speed and efficiency as I did this stuff.  I left the original footage on the cameras, saved it to our hard drive and our external hard drive, and will run our back-up drive as soon as I am done this post.  Tomorrow I will burn it on to a DVD and probably save ...

Things are slowing down around our house.  My sister Jes and her boyfriend Nate are the only ones left and they are heading out after supper. Thanks to the generosity of our friends and family our cupboards are filled with food.  The laundry has all been done and the house has been cleaned.   Tonight, we will be back to normal.  Whatever that is.   My brother Luke and his girlfriend Brittany will be here.  That is part of our normal.  Luke lives in the basement!   We might rent a movie, but maybe not. Monday at 10:30 in the morning is Calder's surgery and we have to be back at RUH by 7:30 am.  Calder can't eat or drink when he gets up, so we are going to have a bear on our hands.  A good night's rest will be good for all of us.  It is going to be a stressful day.  Not only do we have Calder's surgery, but Hugh and I are going to head back up to NICU.  They have created a memory box for Tripp that needs to be pic...

A number of people in the last week have talked to me about how Tripp was born pre-mature.  He was.  He was born at 35 weeks.  He didn't die because he was premature. Tripp was 4 pounds 6 ounces.  He didn't die because he was small. In Tripp's short 5 day stay with us the doctor's couldn't figure out what was wrong with him.  They treated his symptoms, but they couldn't find the cause of them.  The doctor told us he had only seen one case similar in all of his years.  It was similar, but not the same. The doctor also told us that there are only about 5 or 6 babies that die in NICU a year.  Hugh and I were shocked.  Any parent who has spent time in NICU knows that there are some small babies in there and some sick babies.  We couldn't believe the incredible work they do to help all those infants. The doctor said 30 years ago they would lose more than 30 a year.  Wow. The doctor's theory about Tripp is that at some point between...

Today was our formal good-bye to Tripp.  I had a hard time leaving the house.  Part of me didn't want to begin living through today, because once today is over we have to deal with the rest of our lives.  The last few days have been like a dream.  Life goes on and right now that is the part that is frightening for me. As I cried in our room before we left for the service, Hugh reminded me that we had already said good-bye to Tripp.  There was a time when we weren't even going to have a formal good-bye for Tripp, because Hugh and I felt we didn't need one.  We said our "I love you's" and had already wished him a safe journey.  Funerals are for the living. In the end, we wanted to give others an opportunity to say their "I love you's".  We are so happy with the choice we made. The priest said some words we are glad to have heard and it felt wonderful to be around so many people who care. The few times I have been around death I have not know ...

Before Tripp, my blog for the most part is filled with anecdotes from our daily life.  I usually try to write about the funny or memorable things that have happened in my life.  Most times those posts include Calder. He is the center of our world.  And often times, I make fun of Hugh! With that being said, I haven't really written about my relationship with Calder before.  Some people may say he's a Daddy's boy.  He is, but for me it goes beyond that.  I don't know a word to define it, so I will give you some examples. Starting in the fall, when I would go to get Calder out of bed in the morning or after a nap he would crawl to the farthest reaches of the crib, start frantically crying and saying "no, no, no, daddy".  He wouldn't let me pick him up.  (This has gotten much better the last couple of months.  Now he just occasionally cries for Daddy when I go in!)  Most days, Calder will refuse to kiss or hug me in the morning or at be...

Later last Friday morning I got a phone call from Calder's Urologist.  Calder has a hydrocele that needs repair and they had a cancelation on Friday Feb. 28th and could fit Calder in for day surgery.  According to the Urologist it is a simple day surgery, but I wanted to talk it over with Hugh, so I gave him a quick call. My concern about having the surgery was the baby.  I was afraid with it getting close to my due date (March 21) we could have the baby early and have a newborn AND be taking Calder for surgery.  Hugh and I decided we wouldn't be having the baby before the 28th and that if God forbid we did, we would just cancel Calder's surgery. Tripp's health has filled most of the days of this past week.  Hugh and I decided that for Calder's health we need to keep the surgery for Monday.  It is just better for Calder to get the surgery over with.  It could be months until we get another surgery date. So today, we are off for his pre-op appoin...

Last Friday I was still sleeping right now.  Calder was in the habit of sleeping in until 7 am.  This was such a treat for Hugh and I last week, because his usual wake-up time is 6 am and it is no shock to have even the occasional 5 am day.  (Don't worry - we NEVER get up with him at 5 am!  We put ear plugs in while he plays in his crib and sleep until 6 am!  LOL) When Calder woke up around 7 am, Hugh went and grabbed him and his cup of milk and brought him into our bed for some cuddle time - our normal routine.  Calder chugs his milk and then usually crawls around flipping on bed side lamps repeating "light, light".  When he gets them on, he then covers his eyes and says "bright, bright"!  I don't remember all of the specific details of February 18th, but, it started out as just a usual day.  I do remember that we were having trouble last week getting him to sit down and eat breakfast, but on Friday he ate his whole piece of peanut butter ...

It was hard to crawl into bed last night.  I was tired, but I had this wave of grief rush over me when I realized that Tripp was part of my day.  I had rocked him, kissed him, and loved him during the early part of the morning.  It was my last day with Tripp.  I knew that when I woke up this morning I wouldn't have him in any more of my days.  I didn't want my day with Tripp to end. Eventually, I had to stop thinking about it.  The day would end whether I wanted it to or not. The sleeping pill worked wonders.  As soon as I made myself stop thinking, I drifted off.  I slept hard until 4:45 am when I was forced awake by pain.  I needed to pump.  Unfortunately, my body doesn't know that my baby doesn't need the milk. Today, will be full of family and friends. We have already had a visit from Deena.  I am blessed to have her as a friend.  She is on top of organizing multiple different things for Hugh, Calder and I and if I as...

We will be celebrating Tripp's life this Saturday at Immaculate Heart of Mary Parish in Martensville (300 8th Ave S) at 10 am. We would love to have you join us. Currently on the agenda - sleep. On the agenda tomorrow - Be at home ALL day!  We will spend our time visiting with family and friends and resting.  We were up all last night with Tripp.  It is hard to believe that it was only this morning that he died.  The day has been so long, it feels like that was yesterday.  So, needless to say, rest, rest, and rest tomorrow.

We are taking care of Business today. First, we will continue to take care of Tripp by going to the funeral home to plan how to celebrate his life. Next, Hugh and I are headed to the doctor.  I am in need of sleeping pills and we need notes for our leaves from work.  I know for most people  the notes would not be priority, but I need to know that Hugh will be home to help me through the next few weeks. Third is Calder.  He is completely out of sorts today.  We can't blame him.  Hugh and I have not been around.  He is at home and we are not.  It must be confusing for him.  As well, the house if full of crying people and his parents are crying all the time.  Yesterday was about Tripp, today is about Calder. I will post when I have the details for Tripp's celebration.

Yesterday afternoon, Hugh and I made the hardest decision that any parent has to make.  We decided to let Tripp go. We got to hold our baby, rock our baby, sing to our baby, and be caregivers for our baby for 13 hours. At 6 am this morning he was welcomed into the arms of God.  We feel good knowing he will be looked over by my Grandpa Vince and Hugh's Grandma Margaret. This was the hardest and saddest day of our lives, but it also contains some of the best moments of our lives. Thank you for all your messages, texts and comments.  You will never know how much they meant to us over the course of the last 5 days. We felt loved.  Tripp felt loved.

Hugh and I just got to sit with Tripp for a quick couple of minutes before neurologist arrived to do an EEG. He is on the ventilator and Hugh and I were relieved to see how much more comfortable he looks. The nurse turned off the overhead light and Tripp opened his eyes to say hello to us.

Tripp is up 600 grams of fluid from his birth weight.  They are going to start a "baby" dialasis to help his kidneys. Yesterday, I thought Tripp would die from his kidney's not working.  The specialist tells us this is not the case. Up until now, they thought every system in Tripp's body was comprimised, except the brain.  There was no indication it had taken a hit with everything else.  In fact, the doctor had told us that in situations slightly similar to this, the brain is usually spared. Today he had a seizure.  Seizures are the brain. In order to investigate the brain, they need to put him on a ventilator.  He could not take the stress of the tests right now.  If they take away his breathing, he doesn't have to work at it.  Just one less thing for Tripp to worry about. Tripp is the sickest baby in NICU.  That thougth probably crosses the minds of a lot of parents here.  We are being told by the doctors that this IS th...

Tripp has still not peed.  His kidneys aren't doing their job.  He is getting really puffy from retaining all the fluids. They gave him some pain medication, because he seemed to be uncomfortable during the night. We will get to talk to the doctor sometime after 9 am to hear his thoughts on what to do next.

Tonight, Tripp met all his grandparents, aunts and uncles.  He even opened his eyes and peeked at a few of them.  So far there is no change with the steriods.  Sometimes it takes more than a few hours for progress to be seen with steriods, so we will know by the morning if they are working or not.  As our nurse said tonight, we need him to take a turn. 

Yesterday was a good day. Yesterday, I had a couple of belly laughs that hurt. Yesterday, I went to bed optimistic and hopeful. Today I was given more detailed information. Today we had to ask the question, "could our son die" and we heard the answer, "yes". Today is the worst day of my life. B.H.'s is having trouble with all of his major organs.  Right now the most concerning ones are his kidneys. They are giving him multiple medications.  He tubes going into all four limbs and his head.  He has more than any other baby in NICU.  A lot of the medications are at maximum levels. They are trying steroids today.  Hopefully they will kick start his kidneys, which will help kick start the long list of organs in trouble. After that...they don't know.  Babies can't live without kidneys and our son's are failing.  There is no long term dialysis for babies.  No transplants. Today our son needed a name.  We gave him a strong, beautifu...

I decided that I am going to blog about what is currently happening in our lives. At first, I thought it was too much information to put on the internet, but at the end of the day, I HATE texting. I have no texting skills and it takes me forever to spit something out. There is limited room to write what you have to say and to top it off; I don’t have all the cell phone numbers of people I want to keep in the loop. Yesterday, I sent out a worried text to a handful of friends. In my defence, I am emotional, and Hugh was napping so I didn’t have anything to do but sit and worry! It was just a small snapshot of our day and I thinking blogging will allow me to give you a better picture. Here goes: Fundal height measures the growth of a baby. Generally, the number of weeks pregnant you are should be in and around the same as the number of centimeters you measure (this is basically the size of the belly). The first week my midwife measured me I was 2 cm more than the number of weeks I w...

Approximately a year ago, Hugh's watch and wedding band went missing.  Hugh realized on a Monday morning that he didn't have either item.  Even after he took a quick look in the usual places, he wasn't worried.   Hugh figured he left them in his desk at school, having taking them off for phys. ed. Monday night he came home slightly worried.  He didn't find them at school.  We spent a few moments retracing his steps of the weekend and he became fairly certain he wore them both on Saturday morning.  Hugh and I had laid down that afternoon for a nap with Calder, so the first place to re-look was on his night stand.  They weren't there and after a few exhausting days of looking (including everywhere from under the bed to in the air vents), we figured that Hugh must have left them at school and they were stolen. Fast forward one month later.  I pick up a pile of clothes that I had been compiling for the Salvation Army in our closet.  Much to ...

My nose is still a faucet.  I am sick of blowing it, but that isn't the worst of it.  For the last week, I haven't been able to taste anything. I often hear people talk about this happening when they have a cold, but I can honestly say, I can't remember it happening to me.  I have also heard these same people say that they don't feel like eating when they have this happen.  If they can't taste, why bother eating? NOT ME. I know I should be taking this opportunity to eat more vegetables and cut back on the amount of butter I put on my rice.  I mean, really, I can't taste it.  I might as well eat more healthy than I have ever eaten before.  But instead, I am continually trying to eat anything I can find to "see" if I can taste it.  In fact, for the last week, I have found that the more calories it has, the more likely I am to give it a try. Case and Point: Friday was Hugh's birthday so I made cupcakes on Thursday night.  I couldn't tas...

I have been essentially bound to the couch because of my Braxton Hicks and now I am even further bound to it by a massive head cold. Monday and Tuesday were filled with painful swallows, ear aches, and clogged sinuses.  Today, my nose is a snot faucet. I am not necessarily a huge fan of hand sanitizer.  For me, the best way to kill germs is with some good, old fashioned soap and water.  The problem with the good old fashioned way is inconvenience.   In my classroom, there isn't a tap, let alone soap, so the best way to kill those germs after a good blow is hand sanitizer. At home, I have found myself using the hand sanitizer as well.  I have never done this before today.  It doesn't matter where I am in my house, I am only ever a few steps away from soap and water.  But seriously, who wants to wash their hands upwards of 10 times an HOUR.  My skin is dry enough as it is. So for today, I have positioned a bottle of hand sanitizer directly besi...

This is my 2nd day off.  Two weeks ago, my midwife, husband, and myself, decided it was time to be off work, taking it easy at home.   By the end of the day, my body has been getting really sore from all the Braxton Hicks.  I was able to finish off the semester, which was great.  There is nothing better than finals time! So here I am on day 2, checking a few things off of my to-do list.  The list is fairly long, but I plan on having this baby go to term (Calder was 4 weeks early).  This means that since I am 33 weeks, I have exactly 7 weeks until March 21 (my due date and the day the baby will be born).  Seven weeks is a long time, but I know it is going to fly by.  I am excited to get some things done around our house and enjoy some serious Jordan time. Calder is still going to daycare.  It would be more exhausting on my body to look after him all day than it would be to teach 120 high school students.  I am going to try and take hi...