Torture and Worry. Isn't there enough? Why do I do it to myself?

I used to spend a lot of time alone in my car, driving home to Tisdale, back to Brooks, then to PA to watch some hockey. More often than not (especially when I was tired) my drive would get filled with tears. I would let my mind run away with the most terrible thoughts. My dad having a heart attack, my mom getting cancer, my brother getting in a car accident, my sister getting attacked by one of those creeps from the jail, etc. As my ugly cry would be reaching it's peak, I would tell myself that by just thinking of those awful things I had prevented them from happening. I mean really, I'm not psychic. Us regular folk don't get premonitions about the future. So clearly by thinking them, they weren't going to happen. Sometimes I could fool myself with this nonsense, but usually I just wound myself up for some more crying.

Things didn't change when I got married, only now I torture myself lying in bed worrying about Hugh being in an accident as I wait for him to get home for hockey. I won't even begin to list the number of worries I've had that involve Calder. I mean sometimes I even think the worst if he sleeps in a bit later than normal.

Then Tripp was born and the worst happened.

I am often asked if I worry more about Calder now than I did before. It is so subjective that I could never say for sure, but I do know that I don't worry any less.

Calder has had a fever for 3 days. It is off and on. We are trying to avoid giving him anything for it, since a fever helps the body fight whatever the heck it is fighting. Tonight it was 39.4 degrees. I called the Saskatchewan HealthLine. You get to talk to a registered nurse. They don't diagnose, but they do give you information and recommendations based on the information you provide them with. I always find them very useful to talk too. The internet has so much information that sometimes it is just nice to talk to a person. In the end, I gave Calder some Tylenol and his fever came down. He is getting plenty of liquids, so provided we can keep his fever under control and no new symptoms come up, we will just hope that this thing runs its course sooner, rather than later. I know I have been bragging about all my cuddles, but I am beginning to feel a bit guilty! I would rather have less cuddles and more giggles from my little man. This has gone on plenty long enough.

I had a pretty scary hour while trying to figure out what to do with Calder and waiting for his fever to come down. All those worst thoughts came to mind. I was relieved when the fever broke and he started perking up again. Anyone who is around kids knows how helpless you feel when a child is sick.

I guess in the end I know that I will never stop worrying. It's just what I do. I'm sure many of you can relate.