Skip to main content

Right Where I Am

I function better day-to-day than I did 2 months ago. I don't cry every day on the way to or from work, just most days. I rarely need an afternoon to myself in my sanctuary.

I enjoyed work more in October than I did in September. The disappointment of being back to work babyless wore off and I was able to focus more on what I love there, kids and teaching.

Halloween came and went. Another holiday without my baby. I didn't bother me that much. I definitely thought of him, but didn't pine over what he would be wearing. I did wonder if he would have been crawling yet. Calder was Charles (our cat) his first halloween and he crawled around the house his costume (Calder and Tripp's due dates were a week apart).  I guess maybe it did bother me a bit. I had to stop looking through my facebook news feed the last couple of days. Too many families with their babies dressed up.

When people ask me how I am, I have started to say, "good." I didn't do that before. I always said, "okay." When I say, "okay," it means I'm sad. "Good" means that I am not forcing the smile I am giving you. It feels nice to say, "good" more.

A lot of my anxiety these days comes from our family planning process. Will we have more kids? What are the risks? What are the rewards? How will we make the right choice? The other day I was having a really bad moment as Hugh and I crossed a street downtown. A car rolled up to the crosswalk. For a brief second I wanted it to hit me. I don't think I wanted to die, more that I wanted the physical pain over the emotional.

I often still have moments of disbelief. I can't believe this has happened to me. Is this really my life? Those moments often appear right out of nowhere are usually capped with a mass of sadness.

Frequently I find myself in situations talking with people who don't know about Tripp. I could add something to the context of our conversation that is about him, but I always hesitate. I want so badly to talk about him, but I hate the awkwardness of it. Only once have I purposefully brought him up. It was with an intern at my school. She was so good. She didn't skip a beat. It wasn't awkward at all. I know I shouldn't hesitate to bring Tripp up, but I also know that often times no matter what I say the result is an awkward moment. Sometimes those moments bring more sadness than they do joy in talking about him.

After 8 months, one week, 2 days, I'm okay. Some days I'm even good.


  1. I can relate to the awkwardness. We moved here 3 months after my mom passed, so no one knew that I had just been through the death of my mom. At first, I never brought it up because I barely knew people and it felt awkward to disclose such an emotional detail of my life. Now, I always talk about her and the event of her death if it fits into the conversation. If something makes me think about her, I acknowledge it. Sometimes it is awkward, and I can tell people don't know what to say. Most of the time though, people don't say anything out of the ordinary and the conversation just continues the way it was going. I feel better though....her and her passing are a huge part of me.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What I'm wearing

After my Simons' flop, I recently picked up three pairs of jegging capris at Costco. I think they were about $16 each. I got them in grey (above), teal (also above), and white. I absolutely love them and have been wearing them like crazy. My favorite of the two outfits is the bottom one. The jean jacket is Mavi and I HIGHLY recommend it. In fact, I recently bought another. Exact same style, different wash. This jacket was recommended by both Deena and Christy, so you really can't go wrong. The scarf is one I picked up this spring (Gap). I heart orange and teal. Last week I mentioned trying to define my signature look and that bottom one pretty much encapsulates it. . .
And here it is again. LOVE this one too. Cardigan and scarf are recent purchases along with the grey tee (Old Navy). Jeans are old (American Eagle) and shoes are old (Nine West). I can't wait to recreate this one!
These. Jeans. (Gap). I can't get enough of them. I wore them to professional development o…

Calder Update

Has Calder ever gotten into sports the last couple of months!?! Below he is at a Rush lacrosse game with Hugh and his buddy Kohen. Calder has been watching baseball, lacrosse, and now the hockey playoffs like crazy. In fact, he has stopped asking to watch any of his "shows". He just wants to watch sports. Oh. . . and add NASCAR to that list. Our boy loves his cars. I don't think that will ever change!

Here is Calder's funniest shark tooth yet. His permanent tooth pushed through in front of his baby tooth!  It was like this for weeks. No gap toothed grin for this boy! Below is the day it fell out!
Calder is doing so well in school. His teacher speaks of what a great student he is. Hearing her say these things actually makes me wish he used a few more manners and a bit more kindness at home! LOL. But, if he is going to be on his best behavior somewhere, I want it to be when we aren't around. Although it was great to hear about Calder's learning successes at pa…


All of Hugh's hockey buddies call him "Hammy".

Hugh has been calling Calder "Ham" for a long time. I can't even remember when it started.

Calder started calling Boone "Bean" when he first came home from the hospital. That evolved into "Boone Dog", "The Dog", and just simply, "Dog".  Boone is not a fan of nicknames. Often after we use one of his he will say, "I not Da Dog, I just Boone." Hilarious.

Boone has called Lawson "Dawsie" from about month two. (He called her "baby" for the first two months.) Last week Boone called her Lawson for the first time ever. It took a long time for him to put the "L" on Lawson. He would repeat after us "La La La La, Dawsie". He has said "Lawson" twice since the momentous occasion last week, but I think he got too much attention for using it and has moved back to "Dawsie". "Dawsie" likely isn't going any…