Right Where I Am

I function better day-to-day than I did 2 months ago. I don't cry every day on the way to or from work, just most days. I rarely need an afternoon to myself in my sanctuary.

I enjoyed work more in October than I did in September. The disappointment of being back to work babyless wore off and I was able to focus more on what I love there, kids and teaching.

Halloween came and went. Another holiday without my baby. I didn't bother me that much. I definitely thought of him, but didn't pine over what he would be wearing. I did wonder if he would have been crawling yet. Calder was Charles (our cat) his first halloween and he crawled around the house his costume (Calder and Tripp's due dates were a week apart).  I guess maybe it did bother me a bit. I had to stop looking through my facebook news feed the last couple of days. Too many families with their babies dressed up.

When people ask me how I am, I have started to say, "good." I didn't do that before. I always said, "okay." When I say, "okay," it means I'm sad. "Good" means that I am not forcing the smile I am giving you. It feels nice to say, "good" more.

A lot of my anxiety these days comes from our family planning process. Will we have more kids? What are the risks? What are the rewards? How will we make the right choice? The other day I was having a really bad moment as Hugh and I crossed a street downtown. A car rolled up to the crosswalk. For a brief second I wanted it to hit me. I don't think I wanted to die, more that I wanted the physical pain over the emotional.

I often still have moments of disbelief. I can't believe this has happened to me. Is this really my life? Those moments often appear right out of nowhere are usually capped with a mass of sadness.

Frequently I find myself in situations talking with people who don't know about Tripp. I could add something to the context of our conversation that is about him, but I always hesitate. I want so badly to talk about him, but I hate the awkwardness of it. Only once have I purposefully brought him up. It was with an intern at my school. She was so good. She didn't skip a beat. It wasn't awkward at all. I know I shouldn't hesitate to bring Tripp up, but I also know that often times no matter what I say the result is an awkward moment. Sometimes those moments bring more sadness than they do joy in talking about him.

After 8 months, one week, 2 days, I'm okay. Some days I'm even good.


  1. I can relate to the awkwardness. We moved here 3 months after my mom passed, so no one knew that I had just been through the death of my mom. At first, I never brought it up because I barely knew people and it felt awkward to disclose such an emotional detail of my life. Now, I always talk about her and the event of her death if it fits into the conversation. If something makes me think about her, I acknowledge it. Sometimes it is awkward, and I can tell people don't know what to say. Most of the time though, people don't say anything out of the ordinary and the conversation just continues the way it was going. I feel better though....her and her passing are a huge part of me.


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