Just Jordan

A few years ago, Hugh, my sister Jessica, and I carved pumpkins. I hate doing things like this, but decided I was going to put forth a good effort, because Jes and Hugh were pretty keen on the project. I picked a stencil that had a bat in front of a full moon. I carefully carved. I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden the bat fell out of the moon. I must have some how, inadvertently cut it's wing tips off the side.  I ended up with a huge circle cut out of my pumpkin. Jes and Hugh just about died laughing. I was so embarrassed. I had actually been trying! I then tried to salvage it by carving some eyes on the top. The circle cut out was so big that they eyes were only inches away from the stem. In a last ditch attempt to save my pumpkin, I told them mine was extra scary because it was screaming. They thought that was stupid and then took all the pumpkin guts and draped them out of my pumpkin's mouth. They thought it was funnier if mine was puking.  Sigh. Until y...

Since I am getting down to business at work, I am going to keep this short. 1. Why am I not an expert at doing my own hair? My hair has been this style for almost 15 years. You'd think by now I would be able to nail it every time. Instead, I hated it yesterday, but I must have done something different today, because I love it! 2. Beat It, Thriller, Smooth Criminal, Black or White and my all-time favorite, Billy-Jean. I downloaded Michael Jackson's This Is It and have been listening to it non-stop. My family is heading to Michael Jackson The Immortal Tour Cirque du Soleil on Saturday. It is going to be AWWWWWE-SOME! Have a great weekend. Hug your kids.

If you ask me how work is, it won't matter what time of year it is, I will say, "busy." Sometimes it is the kind of busy I thrive on. There is plenty of work to be done, but with some organization and a little bit of hustle it is doable. Sometimes it is the "there's no end in sight", kind of busy. The kind that completely and totally stresses me out. Last week I was the former. I was loving my work life. This week, I am the latter. I am exhausted and don't know how I am going to get it all done. I just can't seem to figure out how I was managing last week. Could I not see the swamp on the horizon? Or did I think I would have the time to take a detour and avoid the swamp entirely? I am so, "there's no end in sight' busy that I can't even think straight. I have no clue what was going on in my head 5 minutes ago let alone last week! It is days like today that I am so glad we have someone in to clean our house. When I got home exha...

On Sunday, Hugh gave me a fantastic suggestion to make cupcakes for my neice Maddy's class and drop them off at her school for her birthday on Monday. At random times during the day on Monday I would get this surge of happiness. As soon as I tried to define it I would realize  it was the cupcakes . I was so happy about how happy how they must have made Maddy. My good deed made me feel good. Shocking, I know! It dawned on me that the job to get me back on My Happiness Project wagon should be to collect all the important dates (birthdays and anniversaries) of all of the important people in my life. My Grandma Fritshaw has this book and every page has its own month. On each page she writes the person's name and the day and year of the birthday or anniversary. It is genius. On numerous occasions we have flipped open this book to reference something. And not only that, when Grandma puts her calender up for a new year she has a quick referenc...

Today was my niece Madison's 8th birthday. Her mom, Abbey, Hugh's brother Billy and our nephew Pace came over for supper and cake. It was a big day for Maddy and a big night for me. A milestone night for me. Pace is just shy of 11 months. He is crawling like a champ, has started taking his first steps, but I haven't held him since Tripp died. A couple of months ago I emailed Abbey. I was starting to feel little urges to hold Pace, but was afraid people were going to make a big deal out of it. She assured me she wouldn't do a cheer, nor would she cry. We agreed we would probably do both those things but we would wait until well after the moment to do them. We didn't want my fear of a reaction preventing me from doing what felt right. I made a giant stride at Thanksgiving. I sat on the floor with Pace between my legs and we played football with Calder. On the way home Hugh told me he was proud of me. I cried. I was proud of me too. Thanksgiving I got close to ...

I slept in this morning, but apparently it wasn't enough rest from my weekend in Edmonton. I tried my hardest to put on a brave face today, but by 10:30 am I was snapping at Hugh for no reason and storming around. It's funny how my perspective changed this morning. At 8:30 am I was excited to get a bunch of stuff done in the kitchen (I had lasagna, homemade spaghetti sauce, and cupcakes for my niece's birthday on my list) and 2 hours later the sadness of the 8 month anniversary of Tripp's death crept in.  The tasks that once seemed like a bit of fun, were now feeling completely overwhelming. I headed for my sanctuary. I cried, but mostly I slept. I emerged 2.5 hours later a bit better equipped to grieve and function at the same time. While Hugh and Calder were in the basement setting up some furniture, I spent a solid 4 hours in the kitchen. It was good. Hugh came up around supper time and checked his email. He had one in his inbox with the title of one of our stu...

Thanks to Deena for the new header. If you are interested, Deena and her sister have a successful side business taking photos, editing, and doing videography. Check it out HERE . I am sure they could make a smash up header for you too! Not to mention take some great family photos!

I miss my boys. Usually I am just missing one, but today it is all three. I have been in Edmonton since Thursday coaching volleyball. I am with a great group of girls. We have done some shopping, had lots of laughs, and are playing in the tournament semifinal today. As fun as it is here (and there is nothing more fun than winning) I am anxious to get home and spend a lazy Sunday with Calder and Hugh.

I have been thinking about thinking. And no, I'm not high.* I think a lot about Tripp. If I am having a moment where I am not occupied, my thoughts easily move to him. If I had to put a number on the amount of time I spend in a day thinking of him it would be hours . I spent almost all of my drive in and out of the city thinking about him and that alone is about an hour. Not to mention the time I spend getting ready in the morning or the time I spend writing. I have been wondering what I used to think about. Was I focused on one particular topic (teaching, parenting, coaching) or did I jut in and out of all of them? I can't remember. It wasn't that long ago, but I don't know what I spent my time thinking about. I used to worry about Calder. I still do. I used to obsess about eating and exercise. I still do . I used to plan math lessons. I still do . I used to make to-do lists. I still do. So did I just think about those things more? If I did, what a waste of t...

The Rosthern Corn Maze  with the Simairs ( Deena , Dan, Willis and Lucia). I couldn't stop staring at those darn pigs while we were at the corn maze, and now I keep scrolling back to the picture! :-) lol Some random field on the way home. Deena posted about our adventure yesterday. She has some other great pictures of our day. . . She also has another picture of that pig. Check it out HERE . You know I have been back more than once!

I often remember my dreams. I don't like telling people about them, because they sound stupid. As real, as funny, or as scary as feel to me, they never translate into a good story. I actually don't think I have ever heard anybody (myself, obviously included) say, "you won't believe my dream last night" and follow it with a riveting tale! Sometimes my dreams are so vivid that I have flashes of them during the day. I will actually feel a rush of joy/fear when the memory pop up.  There are other times when I have a dream that is so good that it will actually aid in my falling asleep the next night. I can just crawl into bed, close my eyes and begin to think about the dream. I am almost instantly back to dreamland. My dream felt very real last night. And although I don't like talking about dreams, it is all I can think about today. Last night I had a dream that Calder was very sick. The doctors told Hugh and I that he had what Tripp had. The doctor tol...

The last time I was in to speak with our counsellor he told me I should try telling people about Tripp when they ask about kids or family. I have posted a number of times about my struggles about what to say in these situations. At parent teacher interviews on Thursday night I had 5 parents ask me specifically about Tripp. This time a year ago I was pregnant. It was only logical for them to ask about my baby. I usually prepare myself for these types of questions, but I hadn't considered that parents might ask me until the first one did. I told them the truth. We had a son. He died. All of the parents said how sorry they were to hear that. Every time an awkward moment emerged. I honestly thought everyone knew. I certainly thought all my students from last year knew. I assumed they shared the news with their parents. It made me wish they would have put it on the announcements in February. Mrs. Hamilton had a son and tragically he passed away. Please pass this on to everyone...

On Friday night we had company in from Florida. Hugh played hockey down there for a couple of years and in the process became good friends with Terry. Terry married a wonderful girl, Adrienne, and in 2008 they had a daughter, Sarah. I was so happy that Hugh got the chance to catch up with Terry. It had been too long. Hugh and Terry's friendships is one that time doesn't change. It is easy. I was so glad they got a chance to reconnect. Much of the conversation was spent reminiscing. Although I wasn't part of any Florida memories, I laughed along with the three of them. I don't think I will ever get tired of hearing about Edna. No - she wasn't some girl that Hugh or Terry dated, nor did she stalk them at the rink (that girl's name was Jen). Edna was their car. I am not even going to begin to try and explain her, but if you ever want a chuckle, just ask Hugh about her. Specifically, ask him about Edna's rules, valet parking, and taking out barricades. C...

Calder is a great sleeper and has been since we taught him how when he was 4 months old. Yes, we taught him how. At the time, Calder was tired and so were we. Hugh and I read a couple of books and came up with a plan that worked for all of us. We had some really rough days and nights, but after a month of tireless effort, Calder was sleeping through the night and on a nap schedule. It wasn't perfect. We still had the occasional rough patch, but Calder was much better rested and as a result a much happier baby. As a bonus, I was also much better rested and also much happier! Just before he was 1.5 years old Calder decreased his naps from 2 to 1 and now at 2.5 years he has transitioned to no nap. I am sad. I wanted to hang on to that nap forever, but Calder wasn't going to bed at night and we were finding it harder and harder to lay him down for a nap. It hasn't been perfect. This is our first week without naps and there have been some meltdowns. I am not sure if they a...

This question is floating around Facebook today: 2 + 2 + 2 + 2 + 2 + 2 + 2 + 2 + 2 + 2 + 2 + 2 + 2 + 2 - 2 + 2 x 0 The answer choices are 28, 26, 30, and 0. If I asked you 14 x 2 - 2 + 2 x 0 or wrote it as 14(2) - 2 + 2(0) would you come up with a different answer? I found it hard to count all those twos, but then writing it my way might make it easier to stumble upon the correct response! On Facebook the correct answer is not the most popular. Approximately 2.1 million people have voted and only 780, 000 people picked the correct response. I know that this isn't necessarily a direct indication of people's math skills, but it is definitely worrisome. The concept contained in this question is first taught to students in Saskatchewan in grade 6. I also know that although everyone adds and subtracts in their daily lives, not many use the order of operations (a.k.a. BEDMAS) or multiply by zero. Approximately 1.2 million people made a mistake with BEDMAS....

Today I was supervising students in the cafeteria at lunch. I saw a group of grade 9 boys come in. One boy was trailing behind and he caught my eye. The group gathered into a circle with this boy clearly on the outside. I began to watch more closely. He was listening, but not being included in the conversation. He fidgeted. The kind you do when you are uncomfortable. Eventually, without a word, he walked away from the group out of the cafeteria. On his way, I noticed his jeans were a good 3 inches above the tops of his runners. I only spent about a minute watching this little exchange, but after I found myself wondering what I could have done to make it different for that boy. My initial feeling was that I should have walked up to the group of boys, none of whom I knew, told them they were being rude and asked them to do a better job of including the boy on the outskirts. Then I would have turned to the boy and told him I was taking him jean shopping after school. Obviously, this g...

My brother, Luke, moved out today. In case you have forgotten, or didn't know, he has lived with us for the past year and a half. He got a promotion and is moving to Weyburn. Luke got the news about a month ago. I did pretty good when he told us. I didn't do a congratulations happy dance, but I also didn't burst into tears. I know Luke wasn't expecting a fist pumping, screamfest from me, because the second before he told us the news, he put his arm around my shoulders and gave them a squeeze. It was a pretty sad day for me and by the time I got home from work I was ready to phone his boss and tell him that Weyburn just wasn't going to work for us. Then I realized that wouldn't get me anywhere. I needed to phone Luke's boss's wife. If anyone could make something happen for me, it would be her!* Luke works on the road a lot, so we won't miss him right away. Give us a week or so and I think Calder, Hugh, and I will be having some serious Uncle Luke ...

Every January there is a teacher's hockey tournament in Saskatoon. Hugh got on to a team his first year of teaching called, Without Principals. Eight years later, a few of them have gone completely against the name and become administrators, but they are still a team and talk year round about the tournament (not unlike the boy's fishing trip). This March Hugh and I got a call from the team. They were going to have a tree planted in Tripp's name in the park at the end of our crescent. We were in Edmonton when we got the call. I remember crying. I cried because his team wanted a way to honor Tripp. I also cried, because when people do things for you in your time of need it reminds you of how much you are loved. Hugh and I picked the tree with the help of Dee from Little Tree Nursery . We have purchased all the trees in our yard from them. They have amazing selection and knowledge. We wanted a huge tree that would be nice to sit under. Dee first pointed out a European Moun...

Yesterday we took Calder to his first movie in a theatre,  Cars 2 . He sat great for the entire movie. He laughed a bit, but mostly just soaked it all in.  Pictures are grainy because it was so dark and I didn't use a flash. I wanted to document Calder's first movie, but didn't think the other patrons would appreciate the blinding flash! This one is a bit clearer, because we are watching the credits. Everyone else has left the theatre. Lights are on. Employees are sweeping popcorn. We are watching names scroll. Calder cried when we made him leave. He wanted to watch more! As for the movie, it was cute, funny, and entertaining, but I won't be buying it for Calder. It has a James Bond type theme. Two cars get killed (murdered by the "bad" guys) and there is plenty of shooting. I just don't think a 2 year old needs to be exposed over and over again to that (and in our house, basically the only TV Calder watches these days is Cars or Mater Tal...

Last Thursday we did The Terry Fox Run at my school and for a treat I walked with my grade 9's to Tim Hortons. The man behind me in line started chatting with me. At first I was polite, but quite short. I have never really liked small talk and since Tripp died I seem to like it even less. It only took a few moments for my attitude to change. The man starting saying that making small talk in line helps the time pass quicker. A spotlight hit me in the face. We are all connected and this man is trying to connect. We chatted for the 3 minutes and parted ways with a smile. The man had come into Tim Hortons carrying one of those zip up portfolios. He had a beard and a dirty ball hat on. My first impression was that he possibly owned a business in a trade. The longer we stood there and the more we talked, I began to wonder if he was unemployed. Then I questioned if he was even homeless.  I don't know his story and I have been thinking a lot about this. When Tripp first died I wa...

I absolutely hate it when people on Facebook put a lame status like: "Had the worst day every" "Hates when people tell lies behind my back" "Can't make up my mind" Instead, just write what is on your mind. It feels like you are begging us to ask you, "why?" "who?", and "what?". Instead, just tell us some jerk cut you off in traffic and you rear ended him. Tell us that you can't decide whether to go to Mexico or Hawaii. Please, just tell us. Today was a hard day. A bad day. A frustrating day. A day when I wish I could turn back time. A day where I find myself frequently crying.  Today, my blog is one of my most hated statuses. Although it seems like it, I am not begging you to ask, "why?" I am going to write about this when the time is right. It is just not today. I will completely understand if you unfriend me on facebook or take a break from  Just Jordan for a couple of days because I wrote th...

After school I hurried home to spend some mommy-son time with Calder. I decided it was time for Calder to make his first trip to the library to sign out books. At first he was just interested in running around and playing. Eventually we got around to doing some reading. Calder and I sat in the rocking chair in the corner and read 4 or 5 books. And not the 10 word board books like the one in this picture. Real books with actual stories. And he didn't try to whip through the pages. He sat there and soaked up every word. Even nodding his head and agreeing with the narrative. It was AWESOME. Then, he had had enough. He told me he was getting another book and very stealth-like hopped in the book bin. Oy. After supper last night I suggested to Calder that we make banana muffins. He thought it was a great idea, pulled up a chair, smashed an egg and was promptly distracted by Hugh "playing" downstairs. I was left to make muffins by myself. Tonight, it was a dif...

It has been seven and a half months and I still find myself questioning the magnitude of my loss. Occasionally, I will try comparing my loss to someone else's, but mostly I wonder what other people are thinking about my loss. Do they think I shouldn't be hurting as much as I am? Do they think I should be over it by now? When I compare my loss to someone else's, I never come to the conclusion that either of our losses is greater than the other's. I always find the other person's loss extremely sad for many of the same reasons my loss is sad. Why then, do I feel like other people are judging me differently? I never think, "get over it," or "mine is worse." Why would they? I was watching a new show called, A Gifted Man , the other night. It is about a surgeon whose ex-wife dies and then begins visiting him from beyond the grave. I was drawn to this show for all the obvious reasons. The main one being that I constantly wonder about life after d...

On Friday, Hugh and I were both out of our schools. Hugh was at meetings and I was at a workshop. Because of this, Hugh and I felt like we had some energy left when we got home from work. Hugh suggested we take in the Blades game, so we at and headed to the rink. Calder wanted to buy skates before we went to the rink. He thought he was going to get to play! Calder settled on wearing a hockey jersey, instead. Grandpa Hamilton was in Spokane this spring and got Calder a jersey with "Hamilton" and "3" on the back - Just like Daddy used to wear!  Calder was asking to go home after the first period. I was ready to agree with him. Between Calder kicking the seat in front of him, trying to climb over the seats and throwing the lid to the juice bottle, I had almost had enough! His tiredness sunk in for the second and Calder spent the entire period curled up on our laps. He got to see 3 goals and a fight. Not too bad for his first WHL game!