Skip to main content

Turning Into Hugh?

Almost right from day one of grieving Hugh preferred to be busy. He did big things in the house like tiling the back splash in our kitchen and putting up a wall for an office in the basement. He also did smaller things like cleaning out cupboards and organizing closets. When he needed to change the pace, he would make a to-do list and take us into the city to run errands.

I, on the other hand, found it extremely difficult to focus on any other task. So difficult that I didn't even like trying. I would have rather sat on the couch curled up in thought than try to do "busy work." Maybe I was wallowing? Regardless, it worked for me.

This fall I have found being back at work a challenge to my grieving. I have very limited time during the day to grieve in the "wallowing" way like I did at the start. I am busy. Very busy. This has meant less days that I would classify as "sad", but it has also meant that those sad days have become sadder. It feels like my grief is getting built up through the week which is causing the weekends to be significantly more emotional than they were in the summer.

Today I had some down time while teaching PE. The girls were working cooperatively on their own. They were on task. They were independent. My job as their guide was non-existent today. We were outside on a beautiful morning, I should have been marveling at them, or at the weather, but instead I found myself worrying about my feelings towards my pregnant friends and my friends with babies. Again, I felt myself getting angry that I am having to worry about friendships. I couldn't stop thinking, this isn't fair. It was a tough 45 minutes. The time moved at a snails pace.

I am realizing today that I like being super busy at work. Work doesn't feel like a good place for me to grieve, so I would rather be totally consumed with prep and teaching while I am there and save the grief for at home.

Interestingly, I am finally beginning to see what Hugh liked about being busy. It is nice to be consumed in tasks and have a few hours free from sadness.


  1. A couple of my friends that I play soccer with have lost their husbands over the past few years. At different times both these ladies told me that they loved to come out and play a soccer game because when they were playing they did not think about anything but the game.
    It gave them a mental break and renewed their energy.

    Thinking of you :)
    Auntie Pat


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What I'm wearing

After my Simons' flop, I recently picked up three pairs of jegging capris at Costco. I think they were about $16 each. I got them in grey (above), teal (also above), and white. I absolutely love them and have been wearing them like crazy. My favorite of the two outfits is the bottom one. The jean jacket is Mavi and I HIGHLY recommend it. In fact, I recently bought another. Exact same style, different wash. This jacket was recommended by both Deena and Christy, so you really can't go wrong. The scarf is one I picked up this spring (Gap). I heart orange and teal. Last week I mentioned trying to define my signature look and that bottom one pretty much encapsulates it. . .
And here it is again. LOVE this one too. Cardigan and scarf are recent purchases along with the grey tee (Old Navy). Jeans are old (American Eagle) and shoes are old (Nine West). I can't wait to recreate this one!
These. Jeans. (Gap). I can't get enough of them. I wore them to professional development o…

Calder Update

Has Calder ever gotten into sports the last couple of months!?! Below he is at a Rush lacrosse game with Hugh and his buddy Kohen. Calder has been watching baseball, lacrosse, and now the hockey playoffs like crazy. In fact, he has stopped asking to watch any of his "shows". He just wants to watch sports. Oh. . . and add NASCAR to that list. Our boy loves his cars. I don't think that will ever change!

Here is Calder's funniest shark tooth yet. His permanent tooth pushed through in front of his baby tooth!  It was like this for weeks. No gap toothed grin for this boy! Below is the day it fell out!
Calder is doing so well in school. His teacher speaks of what a great student he is. Hearing her say these things actually makes me wish he used a few more manners and a bit more kindness at home! LOL. But, if he is going to be on his best behavior somewhere, I want it to be when we aren't around. Although it was great to hear about Calder's learning successes at pa…


All of Hugh's hockey buddies call him "Hammy".

Hugh has been calling Calder "Ham" for a long time. I can't even remember when it started.

Calder started calling Boone "Bean" when he first came home from the hospital. That evolved into "Boone Dog", "The Dog", and just simply, "Dog".  Boone is not a fan of nicknames. Often after we use one of his he will say, "I not Da Dog, I just Boone." Hilarious.

Boone has called Lawson "Dawsie" from about month two. (He called her "baby" for the first two months.) Last week Boone called her Lawson for the first time ever. It took a long time for him to put the "L" on Lawson. He would repeat after us "La La La La, Dawsie". He has said "Lawson" twice since the momentous occasion last week, but I think he got too much attention for using it and has moved back to "Dawsie". "Dawsie" likely isn't going any…