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Turning Into Hugh?

Almost right from day one of grieving Hugh preferred to be busy. He did big things in the house like tiling the back splash in our kitchen and putting up a wall for an office in the basement. He also did smaller things like cleaning out cupboards and organizing closets. When he needed to change the pace, he would make a to-do list and take us into the city to run errands.

I, on the other hand, found it extremely difficult to focus on any other task. So difficult that I didn't even like trying. I would have rather sat on the couch curled up in thought than try to do "busy work." Maybe I was wallowing? Regardless, it worked for me.

This fall I have found being back at work a challenge to my grieving. I have very limited time during the day to grieve in the "wallowing" way like I did at the start. I am busy. Very busy. This has meant less days that I would classify as "sad", but it has also meant that those sad days have become sadder. It feels like my grief is getting built up through the week which is causing the weekends to be significantly more emotional than they were in the summer.

Today I had some down time while teaching PE. The girls were working cooperatively on their own. They were on task. They were independent. My job as their guide was non-existent today. We were outside on a beautiful morning, I should have been marveling at them, or at the weather, but instead I found myself worrying about my feelings towards my pregnant friends and my friends with babies. Again, I felt myself getting angry that I am having to worry about friendships. I couldn't stop thinking, this isn't fair. It was a tough 45 minutes. The time moved at a snails pace.

I am realizing today that I like being super busy at work. Work doesn't feel like a good place for me to grieve, so I would rather be totally consumed with prep and teaching while I am there and save the grief for at home.

Interestingly, I am finally beginning to see what Hugh liked about being busy. It is nice to be consumed in tasks and have a few hours free from sadness.

Comments

  1. A couple of my friends that I play soccer with have lost their husbands over the past few years. At different times both these ladies told me that they loved to come out and play a soccer game because when they were playing they did not think about anything but the game.
    It gave them a mental break and renewed their energy.

    Thinking of you :)
    Auntie Pat

    ReplyDelete

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