Cleaning House

I came home yesterday to a clean house. It was not a maid and I am pretty sure it wasn't a cleaning fairy. My money is on my sister, Jes. I am completely thankful. It made me so happy that I am convinced I need to try getting someone in every couple of weeks.

I also met with our counsellor yesterday. It was a good chat. I didn't feel the sense of urgency to have answers like a week and a half ago. Ultimately, there are no answers, but I last week I needed acknowledgement of my feelings and a bit of a plan to move forward and that's what I got. This week it was nice to chat without an agenda, because although I had a much better week, I still had some moments and it was nice to hear Brad's perspective on them.

From our conversation I know that one thing I need to work on is my idea of grief. Even last week I was thinking about getting through the angry stage so it could be over and done with. Yesterday, I was reminded that grief isn't linear (even though my linear brain would like it to be). If I pass through this angry stage, it doesn't mean I am through it for good. I could be back in it at any time. It is frustrating to think about, because I am working to get to a less sad place and to think I could be returning to any one of the stages I have already been in is daunting. It is what it is, but still, stupid grief!

I have had 3 less crazy days in a row. I have not had commitments in the evenings and I must say, I feel a lot better about my life. I need to be home in the evenings to feel my best. I need time to interact with Hugh and Calder, to have time to write and to have time to put my feet up. Yesterday, Brad reminded me about how exhausting grieving is. He says it is the most tiring thing anyone will ever do.
• • •
Conversation with Calder last night at the kitchen table.

Calder: (shouting with distinct pauses between syllables) THAT NOT MY MORNING!

Me: I can't understand you.

Calder: THAT NOT MY MORNING!

Me: (confused) Oh. . . (stifling a laugh). . . Yes, that was your warning! You need to stay at the table while you eat or you are heading to bed.

Calder: (deflated, a bit sad and in a voice quieter than normal) No. That not my morning.

All I could do was put my hand over my mouth so he couldn't see me smiling. He wasn't happy about getting the morning, but he did stay at the table and finish is snack! LOL.



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