Counseling

I have a clearer head. My meeting with our counsellor, Brad, went well. I seriously do not know how people get through difficult times in their lives without counseling. It has been incredibly helpful to me.

By the time I got to my meeting with Brad on Thursday morning, I knew that in some way I was wanting to make myself better even though I know there isn't a cure for grief. I can't do anything to make my triggers (babies/pregnant woman/families) disappear, but I know that I can control what is going on in my head. The self-talk is good and I am going to stick with it.

Brad noticed right away a change in me from the last time I saw him. I am angry. I used to be sad. I am mad that I feel crappy. I am mad that certain relationships are hard. I am mad that my life isn't where I thought it would be. This is just another stage in the grieving process. I will try and deal with the anger and hope that this stage isn't a long one. The thing is, most people wouldn't even know I am angry, but I am angry. My coworkers wouldn't know, acquaintances wouldn't, even close friends probably wouldn't know. I am angry inside and for the most part it is "regular Jordan" to the average eye.

About half way through our session Brad asked me if I felt like everyone was zooming ahead of me. I laughed. I have been feeling that way all week and have even wrote about it. Sitting in that chair, I told Brad I felt like I am in the same place I was 6 months ago. Brad said, "Yes. You are here with Tripp and everyone else is moving forward." Exactly.

I like talking to Brad, because he knows about grief. He asked me if it was harder to get out of bed the last couple of weeks and it has been. He asked me if I wanted to crawl into a hole and I do. These feelings often come with the anger. Brad said when we are angry and hurting like this we often want to isolate ourselves and that's how I've felt. Last night, if I had had to make a choice, I would have chose to get rid of all my friends. The pain of seeing everyone zoom ahead was more powerful than the thought of losing all of the wonderful people who love me.

It is during these times of wanting isolation that it is most important to try and reach out. Brad suggested that I reach out, but in a way that is not hurtful for me. I have an idea a few relationships that I want to connect with, so I am going to try and call those people during the day. At night I am not functioning well, so it isn't a good time for me to move even slightly out of my comfort zone. People seem like they are zooming ahead of me at faster speeds after the sun sets than they do during daylight.

Good session.