When the baby comes . . .

I've started saying, "When the baby comes . . ." 

Until recently I talked in terms of "If the baby comes" or "Hopefully when the baby gets here".  Three weeks ago the baby started making its presence know with love taps (now it kicks and flips). This might have been the start of my adjusted mind set, I'm not sure. To say I have a new found prospective would be a gross overstatement. Now every time I say, "When the baby comes" I just say the "If" part in my head. My mind set is shifting, but slowly. 

I'm not convinced that preparing for "the worst" makes it easier to deal with IF it happens. Yet, I am doing it. Protecting myself. I rarely get excited when talking about the baby coming. We do talk about it, but more in the sense of a to-do list. We need to organize the nursery and move Calder's car seat to the other side of the van. We don't think (or talk) about holding our living, breathing baby in our arms, bringing it home, and how its sheer presence is going to bring us more joy than we can even imagine. 

There are a couple of things I want to buy for this new baby, but I won't go buy them until the baby is at home. We bought a couple of cases of newborn diapers before Tripp was born. I remember staring at them in the spare room after he died and the pain that seeing them caused me. I won't buy anything for this baby.  I don't think I could bare to head into a store to return them if "the worst" happens.

There is a 98% chance that this baby is coming home (in terms of Neonatal Hemochromatosis).

When the baby gets here I will feel better. Doing my best not to add the "if".


  1. <3

    I wish I had words.

    If you can drop the if, I can drop the *knock on wood* after I answer "when are you due?".

    And you're right. Preparing for the worst never helps in the end anyway. It still blindsides you...


    <3 <3 <3 <3 (Thank you for your support)

  2. Don't feel bad about not buying things for the baby right away. My sister-in-law lost her baby girl to kidney problems as well. in her case it was her first child. With every child after, she didn't allow anything in the house baby related until the baby was born and ready to come home (seriously, I drove to the hospital the day my latest nephew was born with a car seat so they could take baby home). She did this with all three of her children. so you are most definately not alone.

  3. Jordan, I just read the comment you left on my blog. I read your latest post and I can totally relate--I experienced exactly the same feelings. The best thing that I can tell you is that after my oldest son, I went on to have 2 more incredible boys, who are now almost 14 and almost 17. I thank God for them every day.

    It's interesting, because although the boys never met their older brother, because of their sister he is very much a part of their lives. On his birthday they don't say anything, but give me extra hugs, and on holidays his name is brought up by them.

    I welcome you to email me, I would love to be able to be a support for you. nicolebolyea@gmail.com


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