I've started saying, "When the baby comes . . ."
Until recently I talked in terms of "If the baby comes" or "Hopefully when the baby gets here". Three weeks ago the baby started making its presence know with love taps (now it kicks and flips). This might have been the start of my adjusted mind set, I'm not sure. To say I have a new found prospective would be a gross overstatement. Now every time I say, "When the baby comes" I just say the "If" part in my head. My mind set is shifting, but slowly.
I'm not convinced that preparing for "the worst" makes it easier to deal with IF it happens. Yet, I am doing it. Protecting myself. I rarely get excited when talking about the baby coming. We do talk about it, but more in the sense of a to-do list. We need to organize the nursery and move Calder's car seat to the other side of the van. We don't think (or talk) about holding our living, breathing baby in our arms, bringing it home, and how its sheer presence is going to bring us more joy than we can even imagine.
There are a couple of things I want to buy for this new baby, but I won't go buy them until the baby is at home. We bought a couple of cases of newborn diapers before Tripp was born. I remember staring at them in the spare room after he died and the pain that seeing them caused me. I won't buy anything for this baby. I don't think I could bare to head into a store to return them if "the worst" happens.
There is a 98% chance that this baby is coming home (in terms of Neonatal Hemochromatosis).
When the baby gets here I will feel better. Doing my best not to add the "if".