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Lucky

The moment I got pregnant, I knew my blog was going to change. . .

When Tripp first died I read online. Alot. I read about death and grief and I read about moms who had lost babies. I found it hard to read the blogs of grieving moms who were farther ahead of me on their journey - the ones who had their rainbow babies. I felt a greater connection to the moms who were babyless. Their blogs were a safe space for me to read. A place where I was less likely to feel envy or sad. A place where I connected in multiple ways. A place where I felt I belonged.

The moment I got pregnant, I knew I would write about our new baby. This blog is about my life and this child, like Calder and Tripp, is at the center of our world. I also knew that speaking about our rainbow baby might mean my blog was no longer a "safe" place for those moms in a different place than me on their journey.

Although this pregnacy's over-riding emotion is fear, I still feel so much happiness that we are having this baby and it is within this happiness that I find the transition of my blog most sad. I feel sad for all of those mothers who are at the begining of their journey - who are at a place where having another baby is unimaginable. I feel sad for those mothers who have lost and continue to struggle with fertility. I feel sad for those whose baby's deaths have caused them to choose not to have another. I am sad because it  feels like pure luck that I am here -that I am one of the ones who gets to write about being pregnant. I feel completely lucky that the odds of having a healthy baby are in my favor.

I am sad because I could have just as easily not had luck on my side.

But I was lucky and I am truly thankful for that. And with my luck my blog evolves. My hope is that someday those moms who no longer find my blog a safe place come back - maybe because, like me, they got lucky. Or maybe because they made their own luck.

Comments

  1. I've read your blog for a while and know your story. I connect with a lot of what you speak about. I lost two babies before they were born. But not before they were announced and loved my me and my family and friends. I went through the grieving process too, and blogs like yours helped me realize I wasn't alone.

    And I am so lucky too. I sometimes say that my second child has brought me back to life. My (oldest) daughter helped keep my happiness alive in my grief, and my (youngest) son has helped to bring back the joy I knew before loss.

    So I am so happy for you, and am looking forward to reading your blog as it evolves. It may be a place that gives hope to other moms who have lost, and it may not. But if there are any who don't feel safe here anymore, I want you to know that there are also those of us, like me, who are lucky like you. And for us, this is now a place where we can share our joy as we experience yours. And we'll be here with open arms when other moms become lucky too.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jade,

    I am so sorry for both of your losses.

    Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you for posting that. It was beautifully written and just what I needed to hear.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I agree. I'm excited to get to see your blog evolve. ;) I'm also selfishly excited that it's evolving at this time, in this moment, helping to guide my own evolution... ;)

    ReplyDelete

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