Just Jordan

We got to work on Sunday after supper and carved our pumpkins! (We also made some delicious roasted pumpkin seeds that we are still picking away at!)  Calder was really fascinated with the guts of the pumpkin, but had no desire to touch them. This was not a surprise to Hugh and I. Calder eats every meal with a damp cloth by his side so he can wipe his hands and face between every bite! Our boy doesn't like to get his hands dirty (unless, of course, he is in the sandbox!). Notice the marks on the pumpkin in the first picture? It's hail damage on a pumpkin I grew in our back alley! I am pretty proud of those two little pumpkins on the right! Next year I will be filling the entire space along the outside of our fence with pumpkins and squash. Happy Halloween!

We took Calder for his first skate of the year yesterday. Hugh and I were excited to see improvements. In fact, after last years spaghetti legs, we knew there was no where to go but up! As we left the rink, I turned to Hugh and said, "I don't know how to make this into a blog post without gloating. I am so proud." Hugh's response, "It's your blog. Gloat if you want." Yes it is - so here I go :-) Calder did amazingly well for his first time on skates this year. We had been pumping him up hard the last week, telling him he would fall, and that skating would be difficult, but that he just had to keep trying. We told him that Sunday was about working hard at learning how to skate. When we hit the ice, he slipped and sputtered around. He didn't have any major spills and not because he was a good skater or even strong on his skates. Hugh and I forgot his helmet. GASP. I know. We were those parents. We didn't want to head home to grab it (we went ...

We had our "big" 20 week ultrasound yesterday (at 21 weeks). I call it "big" because this is the ultrasound that checks growth, the heart, the kidneys, etc. and for many women it is the only ultrasound they get. Since I have already had 2 ultrasounds and will now be having one every 4 weeks (at the very least), getting an ultrasound has become part of the routine of this pregnancy. At first I was worried about the number of ultrasounds this pregnancy was requiring, but I spoke to a friend who has done a lot of reading on the issue and she assured me that there was nothing to worry about and after my 20 week ultrasound, I couldn't agree more. Both of my 20 week ultrasounds with Calder and Tripp lasted at least 1/2 hour with the technician. My 20 week with this baby was done by my obstetrician and took approximately 5 minutes. My doctor repeated at least 3 times, "this baby couldn't cooperate any more!" I am looking to have at least 4 more ultrasou...

I've started saying, "When the baby comes . . ."  Until recently I talked in terms of "If the baby comes" or "Hopefully when the baby gets here".  Three weeks ago the baby started making its presence know with love taps (now it kicks and flips). This might have been the start of my adjusted mind set, I'm not sure. To say I have a new found prospective would be a gross overstatement. Now every time I say, "When the baby comes" I just say the "If" part in my head. My mind set is shifting, but slowly.  I'm not convinced that preparing for "the worst" makes it easier to deal with IF it happens. Yet, I am doing it. Protecting myself. I rarely get excited when talking about the baby coming. We do talk about it, but more in the sense of a to-do list. We need to organize the nursery and move Calder's car seat to the other side of the van.  We don't think (or talk) about holding our living, breathing baby in o...

Three things we have on the go: My computer is FINALLY getting a new hard drive.   It has been a lemon for over a year. I have spent close to 25 hours on the phone with Apple. It is TIME. I backed it up in two different places before we took it in to be serviced. Just in case, we thought it would be a good idea for the service provider to back it up as well. They told us the price tonight. $40/ half hour!!!  If you have ever backed up your computer, you will know that backing up from scratch can take hours. I would guess that because of all our HD video it could take up to 6 hours. Again, if you have ever backed up your computer, you will know you click a button and walk away. The computer does all the work. I told the retailer this price was outrageous. She got bitchy and I told her as politely as I could muster that we would NOT be paying for a back-up. We are getting a gas fireplace in our basement! It should be installed and kicking out heat by the end of November...

Wednesday was my 5th treatment. Weeks 1 and 2 were dreadful with pounding headaches. Weeks 3 and 4 I barely had a headache at all. Week 5 I am back to having a headache. What the heck? These treatments are exhausting. Yes, I just sit there. On a bed. For 6 hours. But this blood product is kicking my butt! On most Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday nights I hit the hay between 8:00 pm and 8:30 pm. I have been trying to have a snooze during my last couple of treatments and have had limited success. It is noisey and it seems like as soon as I nod off, my IV starts beeping, because of an air bubble or because it needs new product. The staff at the Clinical Treatment Center are amazing. They are super friendly and dedicated to their jobs. They always fill up my water or get me a warm blanket as soon as they are required! This past Wednesday the nurse decided to give my hand a break from the IV and instead put it in my forearm. I loved the fr...

This glass is clean. Believe it or not - just please don't judge! This is how all of our dishes looked on Monday. The glasses looked the worst but the plates and pots looked terrible too! After a good soak in some vinegar water, a quick wipe, and a run through the dishwasher . . .  Voila! I am really wondering how I went this long without goggling, "Hard Water on Glasses." I can't stop opening my cupboard and staring at my "new" dishes!

This weekend we bought some new sweats for Calder. He is in need now that the days are cool and pants are required EVERY day. Monday morning we couldn't find them. Hugh was adamant he had seen them in house. I asked him, "Are you sure?" 3 or 4 times having not seen the Children's Place bag all weekend. The more I asked, the more sternly he replied, "Yes, I'm sure." As I retraced the bags steps, I realized the last time I had seen the bag was at the mall. When I relayed this to Hugh, he wavered on his stance. Sure enough, Hugh called Sport Chek - the last place we remember having the bag - and it was there! Even before we knew the bag was there I was hopeful. I reasoned that there were lots of people out there like me. People who would turn the bag in rather than leave the store with it. In fact, I figured there were significantly more people out there who would turn it in that would leave the store with. It would be hard to collect data on that...

Parent Teacher Interviews are over. I actually told less parents about Tripp than I had planned. Turns out as soon as you say, "Medical Treatment" people don't want to impede on your privacy and will either make a consoling face while shaking there head or immediately flip the subject. LOL! No harm done. I was prepared to do it and I think that was just as important. • • • The evenings are getting darker which is causing me the blues, but I can't help but think that on the plus side it means that it's candle season! I only lit a candle during the spring and summer when I was really missing Tripp. Pumping the A/C and having a seance really seems counter productive! I love the warm glow of a candle (or 5) in the evening. Lucky for me, my sister-in-law, Abbey picked me up a whole bunch of tea lights from Ikea earlier this year! • • • Depending your perspective, you might find THIS appalling or humorous. I found it a bit of both. I just hope I don't s...

Thursday 4:12 pm Parent Teacher Interviews are tonight and continue tomorrow afternoon. Last year I was blindsided , but I re-read that post and it gave me strength. Unlike last year, I am confident I will be sharing Tripp with numerous parents. This year I am going to tell them I can't teach on Wednesdays because Tripp died and in order for this baby to have a chance of survival I need to be at the hospital once a week for treatments. I am tired today from my treatments, so I am not going to pretend that saying he died over and and over isn't going to be hard. It will be hard.  I just starting crying thinking about it. I might cry tonight, but I might not. Once in the groove of interviews, it is hard to do more than just deal with what is directly in front of you. There won't be time to try and conjure up an image of what our 1.5 year old might look like tonight. Nor will there be time to get lost in thoughts of, "It's not fair." I just decided I am...

This morning in a hurry to get out the door to my IVIG treatment I encouraged Calder to do something I had never asked him to do before. I asked him to race to his room to pick out his own clothes to wear to daycare. Let me tell you. He. Was. Fast. He picked out a green shirt (surprise, surprise) and a pair of sweats. As I proudly pulled off his pjs I commented to Hugh what a big boy we had. Hugh joked, "Awww. . . Calder is just getting too big. I think he needs to stop growing up and stay just the way he is." Calder looked at me as a smile grew across his face and at the same time, we said, "Nooooooooo Way!" I told Calder he was going to be such a big help when the baby came. "Yes. I am going to get toys for the baby." "Oh, that would be SUPER helpful, Calder!" "I can also carry the baby around, because I am really big." "Well, maybe we'll wait for you to be 5 before you carry the baby around." There is much...

On Saturday morning I texted both sides of the family and let them know we wouldn't be making it to either of their meals (one was on Saturday and the other was on Sunday). Calder had puked all night and was still puking that morning. My sister Jessica's response, "Well, it's a holiday, so obviously Calder is sick." It's true. There have been multiple years of Calder being ill at holiday time. None more infamous than his very first Christmas . On Saturday, Calder puke until 10 am. At 10:15 he announced to Hugh that he was done puking. I was obviously skeptical. He had puked hourly for the past 8 hours. But sure enough, our boy was cured! He never puked again. Calder laid around the rest of the day and by supper time was ready to eat. Hugh and I, feeling a tad bit sorry for ourselves missing out on Thanksgiving, bought a rotisserie chicken, whipped up some stove top stuffing, and had ourselves our own little Thanksgiving on Saturday night. We capped it of...

The moment I got pregnant, I knew my blog was going to change. . . When Tripp first died I read online. Alot. I read about death and grief and I read about moms who had lost babies. I found it hard to read the blogs of grieving moms who were farther ahead of me on their journey - the ones who had their  rainbow babies . I felt a greater connection to the moms who were babyless. Their blogs were a safe space for me to read. A place where I was less likely to feel envy or sad. A place where I connected in multiple ways. A place where I felt I belonged. The moment I got pregnant, I knew I would write about our new baby. This blog is about my life and this child, like Calder and Tripp, is at the center of our world. I also knew that speaking about our rainbow baby might mean my blog was no longer a "safe" place for those moms in a different place than me on their journey. Although this pregnacy's over-riding emotion is fear, I still feel so much...

The traffic in Saskatoon is horrific. I can't say for sure if it is horrific compared to other cities. In fact, maybe everyone is biased to the city they live in, but in Saskatoon the traffic is NOT good. In August zipper merging was consuming radio talk shows. On 650 CKOM John Gormley spent countless hours talking to experts and listeners debating the topic. In fact, one of his listeners even made bumper stickers to purchase  to promote the concept. The idea behind zipper merging is rather than pile into one long line and creep towards an area where a lane is closed, you are supposed to stay in your lane until the place where the lane is closed. At this point you are to merge like a zipper.  Image from: http://michiganstate.247sports.com/Board/93/Holy-crap-is-275-a-complete-mess-11222431/1  If I haven't made it clear enough, you can watch a video of it HERE . As Gormley said in his article , many drivers are hesitant to drive past a long line of traffic to th...

On Wednesday I start my weekly treatments. It has played out great for me at work as they have hired the same person to cover all of my treatments. It is fantastic for the kids to have consistancy and for me to be able to connect with the same person every week. I really want my students to buy into having a Wednesday teacher. Students don't always work the same, or behave the same when there is a substitute teacher in and I don't want their work to suffer because I have to be gone once a week. Because of this, I made the decision to tell them I would be gone every Wednesday for the rest of the semester, which for them will mean they have a  "Wednesday" teacher - Not a "Wednesday" sub. Since my treatment timeline had been nailed down at the end of August, I had planned on telling my students the Reader's Digest version of what is going on. I had a son, Tripp, who passed away. He died of Neonatal Hemochomotosis (followed by a brief biology lesson on w...

This weekend was great. We accomplished things: yard work, organization, cleaning, and cooking. We visited with friends and family. We played in the yard, in the park, and on the street. Unfortunately, I didn't take any photos of our events. So, since I haven't posted photos in a while, I thought I might take a quick trip back to last weekend at the Rosthern's  Youth Farm Corn Maze .  Calder is growing up so fast. I couldn't believe when he picked up this creature (is it a Guinea pig?) and plopped it down on his lap. He was so gentle with it.  It doesn't seem that long ago that Calder would step into a bouncy castle and be completely out of control. He still is completely out of control - the difference is he now purposefully crashes to his bum and slams into walls.  This is Calder's first attempt at photography. I can't even remember what I was squatting beside. A lama maybe?  Just a small little preview of October 31. Calder is VERY...