I picked up my last blog book tonight. I scanned through a few pictures and then somehow started reading. Then I started crying.
I am continually shocked to read about how I was feeling in the months passed. I forgot that it was just last fall I held Pace for the first time, or that I had to tell 5 different sets of parents that Tripp died at Parent-Teacher Interviews. I forgot that it took me almost a year to lend Tripp's stuff out or about the profound conversations I've had with my Grandma Jenny.
It is a good reminder to me to keep writing. And not only about the events happening in my life, but how I am feeling at any given moment. . .
Today at lunch time Calder told me we should get a baby. When I asked him why he wanted one, he ignored the question (or misunderstood) said that we could buy one. He also wanted to buy a baby monitor to go with the baby and told me that the baby could sleep in the crib. I asked him again why he wanted one, but he didn't have an answer.
I wanted to remind him that we did have a baby and I'm not exactly sure why I didn't. The other day, Calder brought up Tripp on his own - I can't remember exactly how he did it. I guess I should have wrote it down. Regardless, I wanted to tell Calder that we tried to bring a baby home, but it is just not quite as easy as going to Costco and picking one up. But you know what? Calder asking for a baby was not a sad moment for him and I guess in the end I didn't want to make it one. And interestingly, in that moment, I felt a profound sadness for all parents who struggle with baby loss and infertility. I was not alone in that moment of sadness.
I texted Hugh what Calder had said and he responded, "Brilliant. Ask him where we can buy one and how much they cost."
Gotta love him. Turned my sad moment into laughter.