Return to NICU

We had a meeting on Monday with the doctor that will be looking after our baby. It is the same doctor that looked after Tripp. He knows our story. Maybe not shocking, but when we first sat down to meet with him, he didn't know who we were. It wasn't until he opened our chart and read for a few seconds that he said, "Are you the same Hamiltons?" that he realized that we were Tripp's parents. After that he poured out detail after detail about Tripp. It made us feel good. Following Tripp's death we had some grievances with the hospital, but none of them had anything to do with the care Tripp received. Interestingly enough, the doctor remembered and addressed each of the concerns we had had and even gave some examples of how they have fixed things since. He also showed frustration with a few of the things we were frustrated with. It really validated how we felt when dealing with this stuff the year after Tripp died. It also made us happy to think that we may have prevented a few parents from the same frustrations we had.

Ultimately, we felt that Tripp's doctor (Dr. S) was an incredibly smart man who cared deeply about helping our son. We are glad he is going to be on our team once again.

The whole idea of meeting with Dr. S was to come up with a plan for once the baby arrives. We spoke with him about a number of the things we would like to see and from that there were some questions that Dr. S couldn't answer. He was in contact with Dr. Whitington (The Neonatal Hemochromatosis doctor from Chicago) after Tripp passed away and Dr. S said he would email him immediately to make sure we are doing things exactly the way we should. Because of my history of pre-term babies (Tripp at 35 weeks and Calder at 36) Dr. S said he would get the plan finalized in the next few days.

He then suggested we take a trip up to NICU. He even suggested that we take a few trips in the next couple of weeks to get feeling a little more comfortable, since we haven't been back since Tripp died. I hadn't prepared myself for doing this. In fact, I thought I was doing pretty well just going to the hospital by myself last week (that was the first time I've done it since Tripp died - I usually get Hugh to come with me). I started crying upon the suggestion, but Dr. S was right. The more I go, the less painful it will be.

We went upstairs and passed the room where Tripp died. I looked, but didn't get emotional. Dr. S was with us and was telling us about a nurse we worked with. I did my best to focus on his words - but don't ask me what he said. We met with a nurse (I can't remember her title - I want to call her the head nurse - but I'm not sure that is right). She already knew our story, but asked us some questions and shed some tears with me.

Going in to NICU was overwhelming. Tears came pouring out. Hugh gripped my hand a little tighter. We glanced at the bay Tripp was in, but we didn't stop. I pulled Hugh through the unit. I was bawling and people were staring. I saw moms smiling, holding their babies and I couldn't help but feel how lucky they were. I wondered if they knew how lucky they were. I suspect they probably do and that seeing me walk through bawling solidified that truth.

We might have been on the unit for 20 seconds. I know I should go back, but I don't want to. It was really emotional. I had an ugly cry Monday night. That place just brought back so many memories. I don't want to go back there, not to prepare, and especially not to visit this baby. All I can do is hope that our baby is one of the 30% that aren't affected by NH and we don't have to.

I will let you know the plan for this baby's arrival when it has been ironed out. I am really happy with the framework - so now it is just a matter of getting the fine details sorted out.