February 18

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I had a rough day yesterday. Didn't feel like writing.

This morning I have a much clearer head.

Action shot of me writing this morning. Thought I looked a bit slouchy, so snapped another -
Like this shot - other than Cleo nibbling on my ear.

Yesterday's sadness was triggered by Tripp's upcoming birthday (Februray 18). Feels a bit strange to me that it JUST hit me, because I have been ordering cupcakes and planning next Monday for over 2 weeks. In fact, up until yesterday Tripp's birthday preparations felt a lot like how we planned to include him during Christmas. There were things to do - but they weren't stressful or really even sad- just part of our tradition. 

My sadness began yesterday when I found out Hugh has a hockey game on the 18th. It just got scheduled and when Hugh sent me the list of game times, I started bawling. I am not upset Hugh has a game. This is our life. Tripp's birthday isn't a holiday (although this year it falls on one), nor are any of our birthdays. This past year we had Thanksgiving on my birthday, Hugh had to work on his . . . I think that having to make changes to Tripp's birthday plans shook me a bit, but ultimately I think it was just the reminder that our life is moving forward and as much as I wanted to dedicate the whole day to Tripp, our life has other plans. Through tears, I keep telling myself, "It's okay. We love Tripp. We think about him all the time. There isn't just one special day to devote to him." 

Hugh got home late last night. He asked how my day was and I told him. His first words were, "I'm sorry, honey. I didn't schedule the games. I don't have to go to that one." 

That game on Monday is a big one. Like a really big one. 

Hugh gave me a hug and I cried. The ugly kind. I don't remember the last time I cried in his arms like that. Usually I save those cries for when I'm alone. 

Hugh's going to the game on the 18th. So is Calder. So am I. 

Because really, I'm not sad about the game. I am sad about Tripp not being here. How can 2 years have gone so quickly?

I've just had another ugly cry, but you don't need to see a picture of that :-) Much needed release. I'm not sure if today will be better, but owning my feelings has definitely done some good.

Hug your loved ones a little bit tighter today.

Comments

  1. KellyFebruary 13, 2013 at 11:08 AM

    I am so glad you are going to the game:) That is exactly what Tripp would want you to do! It is good that you are not tying remembrance of him to one day...because we all know you remember him every second of every day, and will for the rest of your life:)
    Of course, no matter how important the 18th is in term of a hockey game, baby #3 might have other plans...just saying:)

    ReplyDelete
  2. DaniFebruary 13, 2013 at 9:30 PM

    <3

    I wish I had words that could speak the feelings in my heart for you.

    <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownFebruary 14, 2013 at 3:21 PM

    You said everything I was feeling, Kelly, including this baby having its own agenda. :-)

    Dani - I just recently discovered what <3 means :-) Thanks for sending love my way.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousFebruary 18, 2013 at 7:42 AM

    Good morning - I agree with you and Kelly we all think of Tripp often - not just on his birthday. Please know we are thinking of Tripp and your family and sending lots of love your way. A Faye.

    ReplyDelete

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