Stay at home mom

Friday, December 21 was stressful for me - and not just because I had nothing to wear to my sister's wedding.

The last day of work before Christmas is exhausting. Kids go crazy and there are many loose ends to tie up before heading out the door at 3:30. I had two groups writing an exam and a set of exams to mark from the Thursday. I had wanted to get as much marking done as possible to eliminate the amount of work I had to do over the break.

On top of that, I was cleaning my classroom. Not the spring cleaning type - I was clearing everything out, because Friday was my last day of work.

So yes, finding an outfit was a MAJOR deal, but so was being done work. I struggled with the decision after speaking to my OBGYN, so I did a bit of writing about it. I'm glad I took the time to sort through my feelings. It made me feel good 2 weeks ago and again today when I re-read it.

Thursday, Dec. 13

I am struggling with being done work at the end of December.

When I went to my appointment with Dr. J (my OBGYN) on Tuesday, I went in with the intention of telling her exactly how I felt. I told her I have to teach from my desk for the entire day to keep the Braxton Hicks and subsequent cramping at bay. I told her I have somewhere around 30 contractions a day regardless of what I do. I told her I feel best on Wednesdays when I spend 6 hours of the day laying around (minus the headaches and tiredness, of course).

I told her of the anxiety I’ve been feeling. Calder was born at 36 weeks. He stopped growing, which caused me to go into early labour and the doctors couldn’t say why he stopped growing. Because of this, I always wonder if I pushed it too much (I worked right up to the end with him) and that was what caused him to stop growing. Then I had Tripp and he stopped growing for reasons we know (NH). This baby’s size is being monitored VERY closely. There is nothing I can do if this baby stops growing because of NH, but if it stops growing and doesn’t have any signs of NH, I will wonder if it is something I did.

Deep down I knew that the result of me telling Dr. J all of this may lead to the possibility of her telling me I needed to be done work. In fact, now looking back, I wonder if I was hoping she would tell me that.

Dr. J told me I was definitely over thinking things in terms of my worry about having this baby pre-term. She also told me I was not being a wimp by feeling exhausted, sore, and stressed at work.

Dr. J and I also talked about the fact that it is hard to measure the effects of many of the things we do during pregnancy. It is going to be hard to tell the kind of impact staying at home, getting more rest will have on the pregnancy vs. being at work, but she said that if I feel better (physically and emotionally) we know that will have a positive impact on my body and the pregnancy. So even if it is a tiny impact, it won’t matter, because it is the good kind impact.

She said that the only way staying at home would have a negative impact would be if I smoked and then smoked more if I was at home, or if I sat at home and spent the entire day worrying about this baby. Obviously the first isn’t a concern and Dr. J said she is confident I will stay busy enough at home to keep my mind occupied. I am going to work VERY hard to make sure this is the case.

I did some math. Because, I mean seriously, numbers do make a person – well, me - feel better. When I went off of work with Tripp I was 32 weeks, with this baby I will be going off at 31 weeks. Not much different. This stat is helping me keep perspective. With Tripp I was feeling all of the things physically that I am with this baby, but the stress I had was WAY less. I wasn’t worrying about having a sick baby, I just worried about having a baby pre-term. With Tripp, I remember having anxiety about being done, but I also remember becoming at peace with my decision. With this baby I am getting an experimental treatment once a week and not only do I have to drink gallons of water a day just to keep the headaches at bay, but regardless of how much I drink, I can’t prevent the IVIG from knocking me on my butt from exhaustion for the following 3 days. Two years ago I thought the best to be done work early. I need to be at peace with being done this time.

I have been able to separate myself from my body with what happened to Tripp. I would NEVER have done anything to hurt him, yet my body did hurt him. I need to separate myself from my body here. I am not being a wimp. My body is just not great at being pregnant and there is nothing I can do about that. My body is not the type to feel well during pregnancy, even though I want it to be. I need to respect the fact that my body is not me and treat it the way it is telling me to treat it. 

So that's it. I'm done. I am going to try and spend as much time resting and playing with Calder as I can over the next few weeks.  I am going to focus on enjoying every day, because the amount of time before this baby comes is anybody's guess!