A Loaded Question
On Thursday morning Calder and I headed to the Soccer Center for a Drop-in Playgroup. They have an abundance of toys for kids ages 6 months to 5 years spread out on one of the fields and there is plenty of space for kids to run and play.
I met two moms that morning. Both asked me if I was expecting my 2nd.
This question is a hard one for me. I have struggled with it since the moment Tripp died. But on Thursday, I told both of those mom's that I was expecting my 3rd.
It used to really bother me when I would divulge that information and then not get some sort of, "I'm so sorry" in return. I am beginning to realize that when I don't get it, it isn't because the person isn't sorry. It is because I have shocked them with what I've said and they are struggling to respond in any way. So when only one of the mom's said it, I was truly okay with it. I also think that because I am getting more comfortable saying it, I am better able to read other people's emotion - I'm not as caught up in my own. The mom who didn't respond, "I'm sorry" was sorry. I could tell by the look on her face.
The mom who did say I'm sorry had lost a baby as well. We shared our stories with each other and although they are different, they are also the same. It felt good to re-tell Tripp's story. I know I've said it before on here, but I don't get to do that very often.
Later that day, I had a call from a parent of one of my students. At the end of the call Calder came up and asked me a question. The parent then commented that I must be excited to have our second. Running on emotions from the morning, I told her that I was actually expecting our 3rd. The parent knew about my weekly treatments for the pregnancy, so I shared with her that I am having them because of how our youngest died.
Three times in one day I shared Tripp. The next morning I thought of the significance of it. It wasn't upsetting in any of those moments. In fact those moments just felt like a regular part of my day. I felt really proud and maybe even a bit empowered.
Fast forward to Saturday.
Hugh and I were at the rink for his Teacher's Hockey Tournament. We spoke with 2 different teachers who are acquaintances and both asked us about how many kids we have. When the first man asked, we stumbled around and awkwardly glanced at each other. Eventually I sputtered "Two", mentioning Calder and pointing to my belly. I am sure the man thought that we just couldn't figure out how to say we were pregnant, but both Hugh and I knew it wasn't that. When the second man asked we again stumbled over saying two. The man then went on to say his kids were 2 years apart and how great it is because they are best buds now. I had to choke back the lump in my throat.
I felt like crap after those two exchanges. Obviously, in the moment, it didn't feel entirely right to divulge Tripp - I guess maybe those were two of those moments we were protecting him (or maybe ourselves) from something. But I felt a sadness fall over me after those exchanges and I am still thinking about them today.
Maybe I need to come to terms with the fact that the question, "How many kids do you have?" is a loaded question for me. If I share Tripp, I might get a response or some sort of awkwardness that makes me feel bad, and if I don't share him, I may be stuck with guilt and sadness from not acknowledging him. I know that at the end of the day there is no right answer and I think that is the hardest part.
I met two moms that morning. Both asked me if I was expecting my 2nd.
This question is a hard one for me. I have struggled with it since the moment Tripp died. But on Thursday, I told both of those mom's that I was expecting my 3rd.
It used to really bother me when I would divulge that information and then not get some sort of, "I'm so sorry" in return. I am beginning to realize that when I don't get it, it isn't because the person isn't sorry. It is because I have shocked them with what I've said and they are struggling to respond in any way. So when only one of the mom's said it, I was truly okay with it. I also think that because I am getting more comfortable saying it, I am better able to read other people's emotion - I'm not as caught up in my own. The mom who didn't respond, "I'm sorry" was sorry. I could tell by the look on her face.
The mom who did say I'm sorry had lost a baby as well. We shared our stories with each other and although they are different, they are also the same. It felt good to re-tell Tripp's story. I know I've said it before on here, but I don't get to do that very often.
Later that day, I had a call from a parent of one of my students. At the end of the call Calder came up and asked me a question. The parent then commented that I must be excited to have our second. Running on emotions from the morning, I told her that I was actually expecting our 3rd. The parent knew about my weekly treatments for the pregnancy, so I shared with her that I am having them because of how our youngest died.
Three times in one day I shared Tripp. The next morning I thought of the significance of it. It wasn't upsetting in any of those moments. In fact those moments just felt like a regular part of my day. I felt really proud and maybe even a bit empowered.
Fast forward to Saturday.
Hugh and I were at the rink for his Teacher's Hockey Tournament. We spoke with 2 different teachers who are acquaintances and both asked us about how many kids we have. When the first man asked, we stumbled around and awkwardly glanced at each other. Eventually I sputtered "Two", mentioning Calder and pointing to my belly. I am sure the man thought that we just couldn't figure out how to say we were pregnant, but both Hugh and I knew it wasn't that. When the second man asked we again stumbled over saying two. The man then went on to say his kids were 2 years apart and how great it is because they are best buds now. I had to choke back the lump in my throat.
I felt like crap after those two exchanges. Obviously, in the moment, it didn't feel entirely right to divulge Tripp - I guess maybe those were two of those moments we were protecting him (or maybe ourselves) from something. But I felt a sadness fall over me after those exchanges and I am still thinking about them today.
Maybe I need to come to terms with the fact that the question, "How many kids do you have?" is a loaded question for me. If I share Tripp, I might get a response or some sort of awkwardness that makes me feel bad, and if I don't share him, I may be stuck with guilt and sadness from not acknowledging him. I know that at the end of the day there is no right answer and I think that is the hardest part.
My advice is for you to respond with what is in your heart and true to yourself. Don't worry about how others may react - that is for them to deal with and sort out, not you. Even today, almost 9 years after my dad died, I get questions about my parents (usually in the context of how happy my parents must be to be grandparents) and I let them know that my dad died from cancer. Sometimes it creates an awkward moment, but that no longer bothers me. My dad is an important person to me, and I want to share him with others, so that is why I respond how I do.
ReplyDelete^ I agree. Follow and protect your heart. <3
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