Once again, Angie, over at Still Life With Circles is putting together her project, Right Where I Am. She has given parents who have lost babies an opportunity to write about exactly where they are in their grief. I participated last year. Click HERE to see where I was a year ago.
Right now, in this moment, I am sad. I have been wanting to write this post for a week, but I knew it would make me sad, so I have been delaying. Thinking about Tripp and ALL that we have lost makes me sad, thus, the procrastination. I love this project. I think it is so important to reflect on where I have been and to acknowledge how far I have come. So I will take a deep breath and immerse myself in my therapy.
I had no idea when I started this journey how intricately woven my life would be with Tripp's. He isn't here, but yet he is here. I get up in the morning and within 5 minutes I have thought of him. I put on my jewelry, I think of him. I drop Calder off at daycare and I think that I should be dropping off two. I make plans for the weekend, and realize I don't have to make plans for my one year-old's nap. I think about heading out of town, and I acknowledge how much easier it is to be packing for a 3 year-old than it is for a 1 year-old. I think of him a hundred times a day. And to think, at the start of this journey I was petrified of forgetting about him, because he didn't get to be a part of our daily lives. Tripp is in EVERY part of my life.
I still cry a few times a week. In fact I just moved to the bedroom so I could cry while I write this. I don't like to cry in front of my husband. It makes him feel bad. He wants to help me. He wants to ease my pain. And he can't. And I don't like to put him in a position he feels helpless in.
I can finally stomach being around babies. That sounds awful, but until recently, I would get agitated, nauseous, uncomfortable and sad around them. I would tense up and feel like the walls were closing in. I still haven't held a baby, and to be honest, I can't see that happening any time soon. The last baby in my arms was Tripp, and I don't want any other baby in his spot.
I am still envious of other people's healthy babies and their "perfect" families. I have to take breaks from Facebook sometimes because I can't stand seeing all the new babies in the news feed. It makes me sad. Why do they have their babies here when mine has to be in heaven? I still say, "it's not fair" alot. Because it isn't. It is NOT FAIR that Tripp died.
I have learned a lot this last year. I am better at reaching out to those who are suffering. I feel like Tripp's death has taught me how to do it. The people around me have shown me the way, leading by example. I have learned that I am strong and that I can get through the worst and even be smiling on the other side. I have learned that making connections with people is one of the most things we do while here on Earth.
At one year, 3 months, 7 days, am on a more predictable journey than I was a year ago. I have learned a tremendous amount about myself and life in the last year, but I would still, much rather, be on a completely different road.