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Nostalgia or something like that

Tonight I decided to tackle the mess of pictures I have on my computer. I have been avoiding them since the May Long weekend. My evening has been filled with deleting, editing and then deleting a few more. As I look through the photos I find myself being homesick for Tripp, wondering where he might be if things had been different.

I wonder if Tripp would have tried to smash Calder's bubbles? Would he have spilt the bubble mix before Calder got the chance?  Would I have pictures of him curled up on someone's lap? Or would the photo's be of his back as we tailed him around the cabin? 

Truthfully, I hated having a one-year old at the lake. If Tripp were here we would have had to follow him around the entire time we were outside. . . Keep him away from the water. Keep him away from the stairs. Keep him away from the edge of the un-railed deck. Keep him from putting sand and rocks in his mouth. Keep him from wondering off to the neighbours.
Sometimes I relieved I don't have to deal with a toddler while we are there. It is so much more relaxing. And then that feeling of relief is always followed by feelings of guilt.

We had one of my favourite groups of people over the last weekend in May for a BBQ play date. There were "big boys" like Calder, toddlers and even a precious baby girl. . . And I did good. In fact, it was the best I have ever felt around families and babies. And not only did I feel good while our company was over, I felt good when they left. Since our family went from 4 to 3, that has NEVER happened. Usually, I dive down into sadness as soon as I'm alone. Sometimes it is a slow, gentle dive, but sometimes I am free-falling at 150 MPH. Not two weeks ago though - the rest of my evening played out like any other "good" evening. I was really proud of myself. Proud of how far I have come.

Buster Days was held in Martensville this past weekend and we hit the parade with my good friend, Kerri and her family. While we sat there I did my count and subsequently had my evidence that Tripp wasn't there. But I was okay. . . I knew that was what was supposed to happen. I was supposed to count. I was supposed to notice he wasn't there. Love and Grief. One makes the other stronger.

Tomorrow I took another "Stay At Home" Mom day to escort Calder to the Children's Festival. We are meeting 4 other moms there. All four moms will be escorting their two children. I have already counted, and I am sure I would count a few dozen times tomorrow. But I am going to smile, I am going to laugh, and I am going to soak in every moment of my Calder and me time.


  1. Great post! Love the pics. Seems Calder enjoys the parades...time for a trip to Disney????;)I can just see you guys there having a total blast!

    I "get" your feelings of guilt about being relieved but I think you should totally LET GO of that because it is completely normal. Having a one year old at the lake is not relaxing AT ALL, and recognizing and acknowledging that is no reason to feel guilty Jordan. It does not diminish your love for Tripp even one bit.

  2. Jordan,

    You are making Tripp proud my remembering him but not letting the though of him take over the time you have with your friends, their families and most of all your family - your's and Tripp's family. Enjoy your Calder and Mom day at the Children's Festival...these are memories that Calder will have forever.

    You and your family are always in my prayers. God Bless!

  3. Kelly - Disney is definitely on our To-do list!

    Kim - We had a wonderful time at the Children's festival (and there wasn't even one time-out!)


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