Just Jordan

This week I had to go to St. Paul's Hospital. As I walked in there were three woman smoking directly in front of the NO SMOKING sign below. Had I not been so emotional (my first time back there since the Friday Tripp was born) I seriously would have told on them. Yes. I was one of THOSE kids! As you can see, I had no choice but to walk right past the three puffers.  I hate smoking, but know there is nothing I can do about strangers filling their lungs with cancer. I just wish they would be respectful of the fact that I don't want my lungs filled with cancer.

On Tuesday, I had this brilliant post formulated in my head. Then just before supper the power went out. Although the internet went down with the power, I still could have just written it on the computer to publish in the morning. Instead, I took full advantage of a sick child (who slept on the couch most of the evening) and a husband who was in the city (at his Grade 8's Farewell). I read. And also did some texting. But mostly I read (There was a moment that I thought I should conserve the power on my cell phone in case it the power took its sweet time coming on, but it was short lived. I figured that I could always go charge it in the van. Hugh was glad that it didn't get to that. He pictured me not getting the garage door open (I would have had to have manually open since there wasn't any power). Then he pictured me sitting in the van dying of carbon monoxide poisoning. I wish he would have given me a little more credit when this elaborate daydream was running t...

Calder wasn't feeling 100% last night. At around 5:40 pm, rather than climb up to the table to eat, he curled up on the couch with Ella and his blankey. I was hungry, so I sat down to eat my supper.  I glanced to the couch 10 minutes later to see Calder on the verge of sleeping. I went over, scooped him up and took him to bed. I decided to crawl into bed with him. Calder would NEVER fall asleep with us in his room on a regular night, so I took advantage of our sleepy boy and watched him twist Ella's tail between his fingers as his breathing got deeper and deeper. Two minutes later he was asleep. His usual 7 pm bedtime provides us with ample time to ourselves in the evening, so last night's 6 pm bedtime felt like an eternity. I surfed the internet for hotel rooms for my ball provincials in July while texting Deena (we had debriefing to do after our tournament on the weekend:-), before I headed outside to do some yard work. . . And there is ALOT of it. Once again, my ga...

I am too emotionally and physically drained to write a post for tomorrow. For the first time today I am going relax. Here's what I'm bringing with me to the couch: Have a great Monday!

As I glance at this I realize it might have been nice to take a few more snapshots.  Especially of myself. . . Oh, and Hugh. On Tuesday I had a moment in my classroom. My photo wall caught my eye and I made a mental note to print some more recent photos to put up. As I scanned the photos I was taken back to a year ago when I was coming off of my maternity leave and moving back into my classroom. Read THIS POST from a year ago. I was upset that I didn't have any pictures of Tripp up in my class. I wasn't ready to display them, but at the same time I felt like they were missing. On Tuesday, I smiled and got a bit choked up as I looked at my board. Turns out, Tripp is in most of them. I remember how I was feeling in EVERY SINGLE PHOTO that was taken after he was born. And in every single moment, I was missing him and wishing he was there.  Tripp is there. Calder and I have been living the single life for the last two nights as Hugh is gone on his school's canoe tr...

Yesterday morning I heard a story of a grade 1 student. It broke my heart. It was a story of abuse and neglect. Since Tripp died, sad stories feel even sadder. When I hear or read about them, my stomach gets upset, my spirit sinks and I feel like I move closer to the brink - brink of what, I'm not sure . I feel helpless. There is absolutely nothing I can do for that student but be sad. And angry that there are people in this world who don't love their kids the way they should. Yesterday, after hearing that story, I avoided all things sad. While I ate my lunch at work I saw THIS post. It was inspiring and I wanted to watch the video posted with it, but I knew that the inspiration in the video was going to come through a sad story. One sad story a day is enough for me, so I moved on, making a mental note to go back to watch on a different day. Then last night I was cruising around the internet and came across  THIS . For some reason I was drawn to it. I knew it was going ...

On Sunday I picked up the July copy of Good Housekeeping that was sitting on my night stand. I started getting them in August, but save one or two articles, I haven't bothered to read any of them (And to think I almost subscribed to a parenting magazine last week, because "it is only $14.95 for 12 issues!" Hugh was quick to point to the stack of unread Good Housekeeping. Game. Set. Match.) In Good Housekeeping, Gretchen Rubin has a column devoted to her Happiness Project. It was exactly what I needed. I had been feeling overwhelmed at the tasks in front of me and the craziness of our summer. In July's column Rubin asks her readers to weigh in on the tasks in their lives that take away from their happiness and gives advice on how to "Get Happiness Back". The first item on the list was not getting to bed at a decent time. I used to be the queen of the 9 pm bedtime, but the past few months I have been watching one more show, or reading one more chapter. I k...

We spent Father's Day at the lake. In the cabin. It poured the ENTIRE morning. Hugh and Dad worked on a puzzle (Jes was also right in the mix). Hugh ate chips. Dad ate jube jubes. I think I can confidently say they enjoyed every minute. While driving home from the lake, I was behind the wheel, Calder was sawing z's, and Hugh had a great chat with his dad. On the menu for supper was steak (not a surprise at all if it is Hugh's choice). We mixed it up tonight and had it with Eggs Benny. Mmmmm. . . Hollandaise Sauce. Tonight, Hugh and I rented the new Sherlock Holmes and are going to curl up on the couch and veg. I might even rub his feet :-) Happy Father's day.

Conversation with Calder on Tuesday night: J: Did you have fun at daycare today? C: No? J: (shocked - Calder always answers yes to that) How come? C: There were four girls . . . and I only like to play with boys. * * * Tonight I saw this video called "People are Awesome 2011" posted on Facebook. Calder hopped on my knee to check it out. That lead us to THIS video called "Super Human Strength". C: Who are those guys? J: I am not sure, bud. C: No, but, who are they? J: I don't know who they are. C: Maybe they are Uncle Nate. You be the judge. Have a great weekend!

I did some serious thinking after reading Kelly's comment on yesterday's post. I want to thank her for writing it. It has really forced me to think deeper and figure out a little better who I am and what I believe. If you didn't read the comment, it might help to start there! Firstly, I think we can edit our lives by tiptoeing around others, but I wouldn't call it tiptoeing. I would call it  being caring and sensitive  to those around us. I am not suggesting that you never talk about your husband with a widow, or your baby with someone who is lost theirs. This would be unreasonable. We need to be true to ourselves and part of who we are is who we surround ourselves with. I just want people to know that I have just really appreciated the awareness they have shown me in conversation, by not going on-and-on about their babies. My dear friend Kerri's words two weeks ago, "I didn't have my best friend for a year." Here is where I was in the fall.   Ker...

I like to be sheltered a bit. I am not always in a place to listen to "baby" talk, so sometimes it is nice when people watch what they say around me. Actually, most times it is nice. I am not good at faking interest or excitement when my first reaction is to run. For the closest exit. At a Usain Bolt speed. I think when Tripp first died I was worried that people would treat me differently. Now I am glad when they do. I am different. I learned through experience that bad things happen to good people. Because I am different, I am relieved when people consciously refrain from baby talk in my presence. This is not to say that I CAN'T do baby talk. In fact, depending on the day and the people involved, I might even be able to release some of the angst and enjoy the conversation.  It makes me wonder when I sit around a room of acquaintances what other people are wishing they were sheltered from. I bet the widow might not want to hear story after story about the crazy th...

Today we visited Wilson's Greenhouse to pick up a few perennials for my flower beds. Calder was pumped. And I mean seriously, what kid wouldn't be. . . They have the largest bouncy play structure I have seen! They also have have a beautiful mini golf course. I am in the midst of compiling a list of day trips for Calder and I to do while Hugh is working this summer (he adjusts crops for hail insurance). Wilson's got added today. Calder ran, jumped, and slid his butt off for a mere $6! I welcome any suggestions for day activities! I will compile the list and links and post it at the end of June.

Hugh and I are veterans of the Warman Rodeo Caberet (it is actually where we met, but that is a story for another post!). This year, for the first time, we took in the rodeo.  We had a great time. The arena was a muddy mess, but the rain stayed away until my favourite event - the bull riding. We were right in the action, sitting in the bottom row of the grandstand close to the  shoots. The second rider was a high school student and the bull started doing its dance right in front of us. The rider did his best but after a few short seconds was thrown from the massive creature. The boy landed on his butt and a split second later the bull was driving his head into the boys stomach, pinning him against the fence. I had a snap shot of this boy being killed right in front of us. There was nothing I could do to help him, but I knew I couldn't let Calder witness something like that. I quickly swung around and put my hand over Calder's eyes, screening him from the horror. It was...

While surfing on Pinterest  I found Funfetti Sandwich Cookies (the link includes the original blog post and recipe). They looked divine. I mean seriously, who doesn't love rainbow chip? I gave them a try last night. They have ingredients I have at home (cake mix, oil, milk, vanilla, eggs, icing sugar, margarine) and minimal prep work. First, the things I didn't like: The batter was really quite running compared to regular cookie batter. This made it hard to get the cookies off the spoon in an orderly fashion. The cookies were hard to get off of the cookie sheet. I found myself smooshing them as I tried to coax them off. Second, the things I did like: They look scrumptious. My don't look quite as professional as those on the original post, but I have already eaten two and my mouth is watering just looking at them. They taste as good as they look! They are super easy to throw together. I even cheated and used icing from a can to save some time last night. ...

Yesterday was the Children's Festival. Or as Calder adorably calls it, the Festibull! Here the boys were digging for fossils. Very cool. Much to my surprise, there were actually fossils in the rock! I thought we were just going to pretend! Check out Luke covering his ears on the right hand side! Kerri took this photo of me. This is the second time I have held Drew. The first was a few weeks ago at the party in our backyard (see yesterday's post). See? It was a really good day. I am a bit disappointed with the pictures. I should have had my flash on in the tent. My camera does not take good photos in low light. When will I learn?! I highly recommend the Children's Festival. I will definitely be taking a day off next year to attend this event again. Happy Wednesday.

Tonight I decided to tackle the mess of pictures I have on my computer. I have been avoiding them since the May Long weekend. My evening has been filled with deleting, editing and then deleting a few more. As I look through the photos I find myself being homesick for Tripp, wondering where he might be if things had been different. I wonder if Tripp would have tried to smash Calder's bubbles? Would he have spilt the bubble mix before Calder got the chance?  Would I have pictures of him curled up on someone's lap? Or would the photo's be of his back as we tailed him around the cabin?   Truthfully, I hated having a one-year old at the lake. If Tripp were here we would have had to follow him around the entire time we were outside. . . Keep him away from the water. Keep him away from the stairs. Keep him away from the edge of the un-railed deck. Keep him from putting sand and rocks in his mouth. Keep him from wondering off to the neighbours. Sometimes I ...

We were in Shellbrook for a ball tournament on Sunday. I got home exhausted from ball and the wind! I will try to come up with something interesting for Tuesday. I'm so tired right now I can't even think!

Once again, Angie, over at Still Life With Circles is putting together her project, Right Where I Am . She has given parents who have lost babies an opportunity to write about exactly where they are in their grief. I participated last year. Click HERE to see where I was a year ago. Right now, in this moment, I am sad. I have been wanting to write this post for a week, but I knew it would make me sad, so I have been delaying. Thinking about Tripp and ALL that we have lost makes me sad, thus, the procrastination. I love this project. I think it is so important to reflect on where I have been and to acknowledge how far I have come.  So I will take a deep breath and immerse myself in my therapy. I had no idea when I started this journey how intricately woven my life would be with Tripp's. He isn't here, but yet he is here.  I get up in the morning and within 5 minutes I have thought of him. I put on my jewelry, I think of him. I drop Calder off at daycare and I think ...