Just Jordan

Calder spent Tuesday and Wednesday on the couch with a sore throat and fever. He literally only got up to go to the bathroom. He was so out of it that I even put the cup of apple juice to his lips when he needed a drink. Then last night he woke up puking, so naturally he is back on the couch today. Calder's fever seems to have subsided, so he has perked up a bit this morning. Calder also hasn't puked since 7 am, which gives me a bit of hope that we are making our way out of the woods.  Now - Can I keep this bug at bay??  Typically I get sick just as Calder is on the mend. Time will tell ;-) • • • I had my weekly appointment with my OBGYN yesterday. Everything continues to be good! I am 5 days from my due date (Tuesday, March 5). She let me know that most women have their babies within a week of their due date - so hopefully I won't be over more than that (in fact, hopefully I won't be over at all!). She wants to discuss induction/c-section next week. At this po...

Who thought I would get to 39 weeks? Seriously? Did anyone? I certainly didn't and although I am still a week until my due date, I am ready. So ready, in fact, I was basically depressed yesterday that I hadn't gone into labour yet! I have been feeling 39 weeks pregnant. Full. Full. And more full. I have been having an increased number of Braxton Hicks - which make me feel gross. I told Hugh last week that I was getting so big I had started waddling. He replied as sweetly as possible, "Honey, you have been waddling for a while now." Hahahahaha! The baby continues to move lots, which makes me feel good, but I can't help but think that it has been 4 weeks since I had my last IVIG treatment. I wonder what my antibodies are doing to the baby. I want the baby out :-) • • • I am part of an online group of parents who have lost children to Neonatal Hemochromatosis. There is a mom who is getting very close to needing her first IVIG treatment and her insuran...

I recently canceled an American Express credit card that I never used. In fact, I think it had been over 2 years since I had taken it out of my wallet. The cancellation was well overdue! The last time we had paid the balance we had accidentally overpaid by $0.04. The customer service representative told me they would mail me a cheque for that amount. I told her not to worry about a cheque, but she told me they couldn't leave a balance on my account if I wanted to cancel the card. I then asked her if was possible to donate the amount and she told me no. It cost American Express $0.63 to mail the cheque. On top of that there was a cost to print it and shove the cheque in an envelope.  I am thinking that $0.04 cost them at least $0.75.  Unbelievable. 

I think the thing I am going to miss most about Calder being an only child is going to Hugh's hockey games. Calder loves it there. He listens so well. He asks questions, cuddles with me under the blankets, and shares my infatuation with 5 cent candies. It is an incredibly special time for me to have with him. Calder doesn't always listen well, especially to me and always runs to Hugh first when he has a question or is looking to cuddle. At the rink this is different. We go to watch Daddy, but it is all about Mama and Calder time. Two weeks ago we went with the team on the bus to Lloydminster. Calder was pumped to be on the bus and once we got rolling, exclaimed, "We're moving," "We're taller than a semi," "Look Mom, there are some trees." Hugh sat with some guys a few rows back. I was sure that Calder was going to want to go sit on his Dad's knee for the entire trip - be one of the boys. But he didn't. He sat with me virtually...

Hugh was off work Monday through Wednesday. We fit lots of family stuff in - swimming, a couple of hockey games, and a bit of laying on the couch! I have been enjoying being with the boys and have put writing on the back burner. I would like to thank everyone for the thoughts, prayers, lit candles, flowers, balloons, messages, and the random acts of kindness that were done to acknowledge Tripp's birthday. It really does feel wonderful to know so many people care about us and about Tripp. Saturday is the 23rd. The two year anniversary to Tripp's death. I have been trying not to think about it this week and have actually been fairly successful at it. I really don't know what Saturday will bring. We don't have plans and I don't really want to make any. With Tripp's birthday and the anniversary of his death being so close together, I just want to kind of ignore the anniversary. Not sure if that's healthy, or if it will even work. Who am I kidding? As m...

Today I am going to celebrate my youngest baby. He would have turned 2 today. I often think about what Tripp would be doing if he were here. How tall he would be or the number of words he would be saying. I try to imagine what he would look like as a 2 year-old. But most of the time Tripp is just my baby and that's how I see him. I saved writing this post until this morning. I wanted to write in the moment. I didn't want to predict how I would feel. I wanted to let myself write from February 18. I want today to be a celebration of Tripp, but in this moment I am sad. I have tried not to think about the details up to this point, because they bring up the emotions that make this moment hurt. In my mind, we started our formal celebration of Tripp's birthday yesterday with a visit to the zoo. We knew we wouldn't have much time today. I really feel closet to Tripp outside. I loved it. This morning we don't have plans. We will probably bundle up, hop in...

At our 36 week ultrasound last week I got some news I wasn't prepared for. The baby had slipped from the 85th percentile to the 35th. I was scared. Dr. M assured me there wasn't anything to worry about. She said I wasn't going to have a big baby and there was good movement and lots of fluid surrounding it. At my 32 week ultrasound Dr. M estimated the baby's weight at 6 lbs 1 oz. At this appointment Dr. M estimated the baby's weight at 6 lbs 4 oz. I was worried. At our 37 week ultrasound this week, I got news I wasn't expecting. The baby was back to measuring big! Dr. Martel said that a cause of this discrepency could simply be that the way the baby is sitting makes it hard for her to get accurate measurements. This week the baby's head had slipped so low that the best she could do was estimate the size. After taking a thorough look around, Dr. Martel told me that her measurements were saying the baby was 7 lbs 6 oz, but she felt that the baby probably we...

I had a rough day yesterday. Didn't feel like writing. This morning I have a much clearer head. Action shot of me writing this morning. Thought I looked a bit slouchy, so snapped another - Like this shot - other than Cleo nibbling on my ear. Yesterday's sadness was triggered by Tripp's upcoming birthday (Februray 18). Feels a bit strange to me that it JUST hit me, because I have been ordering cupcakes and planning next Monday for over 2 weeks. In fact, up until yesterday Tripp's birthday preparations felt a lot like how we planned to include him during Christmas. There were things to do - but they weren't stressful or really even sad- just part of our tradition.  My sadness began yesterday when I found out Hugh has a hockey game on the 18th. It just got scheduled and when Hugh sent me the list of game times, I started bawling. I am not upset Hugh has a game. This is our life. Tripp's birthday isn't a holiday (although this year it falls on one...

Calder is still obsessed with numbers. Lately he has been peppering me with questions like, "How old was Dad when I was 2?", "How old were you when I was born?", "How old will Dad be when I am 92?" FYI: Calder now thinks Hugh and I are going to live well into our 100s. The first time Calder asked one of these questions and it took our ages to a ridiculous number, Hugh tried to explain to him that people don't typically live that long. That led to our little man being scared about his mom and dad dying. So, for the record, Hugh and I both now plan to live well into our 100s! Calder knows both mine and Hugh's ages and also likes to list off ages of himself and the baby. "When I am 4 the baby will be zero. When I am 5 the baby will be 1. When I am 6 the baby will be 2. . . ." That sequence has been known to go on until Calder is a teenager! Today is the day Calder has to learn a new age for Hugh. For 25 days, Calder will be 3 and Hugh wi...

This is my first week without my IVIG appointments. My first week not having to drag my butt out of bed and head to the Clinical Treatment Centre (CTC) at the hospital. Last week I had cupcakes and pizza to celebrate, but I wanted something more - I  wanted slippers. After trying on an obscene number of pairs at the mall last week, I went home empty handed and disappointed. This past Wednesday I stepped up my game and went to The Trading Post  and found these gems. Not only do they have beautiful beadwork and are the exact color I wanted, they were made in Saskatoon!

We had a meeting on Monday with the doctor that will be looking after our baby. It is the same doctor that looked after Tripp. He knows our story. Maybe not shocking, but when we first sat down to meet with him, he didn't know who we were. It wasn't until he opened our chart and read for a few seconds that he said, "Are you the same Hamiltons?" that he realized that we were Tripp's parents. After that he poured out detail after detail about Tripp. It made us feel good. Following Tripp's death we had some grievances with the hospital, but none of them had anything to do with the care Tripp received. Interestingly enough, the doctor remembered and addressed each of the concerns we had had and even gave some examples of how they have fixed things since. He also showed frustration with a few of the things we were frustrated with. It really validated how we felt when dealing with this stuff the year after Tripp died. It also made us happy to think that we may have ...

I have spent the last week with a "live in this moment" mentality. I feel the baby kick and I stop and feel. I have been taking the time to focus on my baby knowing that it won't be long before it is no longer safely cocooned in my belly. I see my rounded figure in the mirror and I linger a little longer trying to etch it into my memory. I don't know if this is our last pregnancy, but it might be. I think regardless I would be feeling this sense of reflection. I have always gotten a sad fog wash over me in times of change. Whether it was the end of high school or university or when we bought our house. Even when the change is completely exciting, I am sad about the end of the previous era. I have also been thinking a bit more about the sex of this baby. We didn't find out, because Hugh and I loved the surprise we had with the first two.  From the moment Tripp died, I felt that if we decided to have a 3rd I would want it to be a boy. For 5 days I had two boys a...

Calder likes his Play Doh, but up until this past Monday he would play with it only on occasion for approximately 15 minutes per sitting. On Monday things changed. He got a Play Doh Cars - Lightning McQueen set for Christmas and in the midst of overindulgence and spoiled rottenness we put it away with his other Play Doh stuff and completely forgot about it until Monday morning. The McQueen set was so great he played for 3.5 hours with it on Monday. Up until this point the only things to occupy Calder for that length of time were cars, monster trucks, or hockey. By the time Tuesday hit the Play Doh was dried up and worn out. If Calder was going to put in another long stint of playing, something had to be done. I ripped out  THIS  recipe I had pinned on  Pinterest  and with the help of a trusty assistant, we made play dough.  The green and red/pink are two separate batches. You can see the blue "Raoul" mold on the left and the completed "McQueen" car in fron...